I received a telephone call a few hours ago

My son contacted me with the news that his grandfather, Terry, had died on Saturday. Genetically they were unrelated as the grandfather was Edward's grandmother's second husband. Technically a step-grandfather, he was as loving to my children as he was to his own grandchildren. You can see him pictured above with my daughter, Rebecca when she was young.

I sent one of his daughters a message to offer my condolences. She called to thank me, even though it was problematic. I am the ex-husband of a step-sister and haven't been in contact for fifteen years. As I reflect upon our conversation and my own memories, my ex-wife and her siblings and their families (including me) were like cuckoo eggs in the nest of Terry's children. It wasn't affection that we stole (love is strange in that the more you give, the more you have), but it was the time and the opportunity to fulfil a role.

I hosted several Christmases and family gatherings in my home that were open to all the children and grandchildren, including my ex-wife's sister's inlaws. When you have 40-50 people show up at your home, it means washing many dishes. I would buy $400 worth of chocolate (at wholesale prices), so my ex-wife could make chocolates for everyone. In doing so, though, I was denying Terry's daughters and husbands the opportunity to step forward themselves.

I suppose most people know how to ride a bicycle. What if you never remove the training wheels or if your parents always rode the bike and you only sit in a passenger seat? Giving your children the opportunity to fail is one of my central tenets of parenting. There is an expression that you don't become a man until your father dies. I assume a similar sentiment applies to girls and their mothers. My ex-wife and ex-mother-in-law denied Terry's daughters the opportunity to become women. They were captive within a quasi-realm of being mothers (they had their children) but denied full "womanhood." Maybe women don't share the same impetus as men. Maybe men in other cultures don't even share the same idea. I guess I must reflect on this.