I was in the forest 2 days ago and I though black and white ravens(they actually were crows) flying over the burnt land (they burn the grass here in winter for helping the regrowth) , and I thought of you .I even took a video of them because it looked like they were dancing .
I m sorry you're going through hell, and you are being so honest about the situation, it takes courage to face your daemons and admitting your wrongs! We can all be assholes when in pain, don't worry buddy