How to instill values in your children (Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris)

Today I wanted to bring this theme to the Steemit community, because I believe it is of the utmost importance for families that we have children and many times we overlook small details that leave a great future mark on our children, taking into account these authors. This important issue which they explain with much simplicity and understanding for all, I have the audacity to show you some fragments.

How to say things:

When we censor our children we usually do it to motivate them to do things better. It is likely that our parents used this method with us when we were children. However, any reprobatory comment, instead of motivating, awakens in the children an instinctive mechanism of defense that blocks any possible cooperation attempt. For a young child it is very difficult to understand that the criticism is not directed directly at him but at his attitude.

However, this does not mean that we can not convey to our children what we dislike, if we take enough time to consider the impact that our words will have on them, we can do so without undermining their self-esteem.

As soon as William's father heard the crash, he knew exactly what had happened. After getting up from his chair, he left the kitchen and headed towards the living room, aware that the glass remains of the window would be scattered on the floor. Upon entering the room, his eight-year-old son, standing in the garden, looked at him shyly and remained silent. The baseball bat was on the lawn of the garden and the ball on the floor of the room.

-I suppose you have already learned the lesson: Never play baseball near the house- said the father.
William looked down and shrugged.
-Yes dad but I ... -he hesitated- I played carefully ...
No, Will, "interrupted the father sternly," it's not about playing carefully. The lesson is to play some distance from home.
"I'm sorry, Dad," William wailed, hoping his apology would end the discussion.

After a pause, the father gave him an inquisitive look and then continued:
-Okay, when we finish cleaning the room we will calculate how much it will cost to repair the window and how much time you will have to save to pay for it with your weekly allowance.

The words of his father were for William a jug of cold water because, suddenly, he understood the terrible consequence of the mistake made. Aware that the child shrugged as if carrying the burden of responsibility, the father broke the ice:

"Did you know that Grandpa made me pay for the windowpane that I broke when I was your age?" He told the boy, who was now paying attention to his father's words.

-Really? the boy inquired, absorbed by his father's confession.

-Yeah, Will. It took so long to save the money that I never broke a window again. and now go find the broom and shovel ... We have to clean the room before Mom returns from the purchase.

Putting too much emphasis on guilt or punishment creates a distancing between parents and children, never proximity. The truth is that we all make mistakes and, of course, certain accidents are inevitable. Knowing how to react correctly and transmit positive messages in conflicting moments helps our children learn, through experience, to establish the relationship between the cause and the consequence of what happened, and to understand how they should act in the future to avoid the same error.

Grumble

We may not be aware, but grumbling and complaining constantly are two subtle ways to censor. The subliminal message that hides behind this critical attitude is: "I do not trust you." Expecting the worst of our children neither helps them nor is it profitable for us. Even young children learn to disconnect at a young age quickly when we repeat over and over the typical complaints, not to mention the adolescents, experts for their ability to turn a deaf ear to our words, whether or not they wear an earphone.

Instead of grumbling, it is much better to establish predictable routines with reasonable expectations. For example, parents who attend my workshops always suggest a simple but effective strategy to avoid falling into the familiar phrase "do not forget ..."; Emphasize the word "remember ..." For example: "Remember to put the socks in the laundry basket", "remember that with this doll you only play inside the house". These kinds of affirmations motivate our children, regardless of their age, to act responsibly. This formula is particularly useful for young children who begin to learn the functioning of family daily life. First of all, always remember to praise the efforts of your children with affirmative phrases that positively reinforce their behavior: "What a good helper you are, you have remembered to keep your toys in the box." With these kinds of phrases, while you tell them what you expect from them, you reinforce them and positively motivate them.

Like grumbling, complaining is an ineffective way to change the behavior and habits of children. Lamenting always accentuates the difficulties and limitations of children and does not provide any solution to any problem. As parents, we do not want our children to learn to see the world either passively or negatively, let alone believe that the best way to react to any problem is to mourn instead of act. So, avoid replacing the action with useless laments. Try to come up with creative solutions to the problems and let the children contribute theirs too.

Think of the times you complain during the day: because of your work situation, because of the attitude of the people or simply because of the inclemency of the weather. Although sometimes we can not avoid complaining, remember that complaints can ultimately fall on parents as well.

Complaints addressed to our respective spouses are especially destructive and may in general give children the need to take sides with one of their parents. Placing our children at the center of a marital conflict is very difficult for them to bear since it unbalances the loyalty they feel towards both parents. Needless to say, the complaints that fall on the grandparents of our children also cause emotional imbalance. If we have some complaints towards our parents or in-laws, it is best to discuss them privately with our partners to avoid breaking the magical relationship that exists between grandchildren and grandparents. Our children will soon discover the errors and limitations of the members of the family, so we avoid washing the dirty rags before them prematurely. Moreover, children need to see that all adults in the family respect each other to learn to relate and love each other.

I am very grateful for those who read this post and I invite you to vote if you like, to continue bringing this theme in my future publications.

@winifredzerlin

translated into Spanish by: translate.google.com