Waiting for You is not an Option

This morning like the morning before, I sat on the porch of this small house accompanied by a cup of tea. The droplets of water that soak the leaves, the melodious chirping of birds became a fascinating sight to me. It's been almost two years since I was in this village, one of the most remote villages on the tip of the island of Sulawesi. I still do not believe it's been in this place for that long. Away from the noise and congestion of Makassar city. Away from Mom and Dad. I was pensive for a long time, my eyes blank. I do not know, there's something I want to avoid. The more denied the more I think about it.

"Mrs. Ame. Bu .. bu, why bu ngamun? ". Tanya biida, faithful servant accompany me while I'm here.
"Ahh .. no bi, just again enjoy the morning air only". Elakku

Mentari increasingly rising as if showing strength. The more ruthless it burns the earth. Lately the weather is getting hotter, it seems the earth is getting older. I open my jacket and prop my head on the couch of my office. My eyes felt heavy, not to mention falling asleep suddenly "Assalamualaikum, bu doctor there post". the voice of the rahman startled me.
"Waalaikumsalam, yes man entered aja not locked kok". I replied.
A 13-year-old boy appeared from behind the door, then he smiled at me and went back to repeating his words a few minutes ago "Mom, Doc. There is a shipment from Makassar, I think from his mother Mrs. Doctor ". Maman said while handing me the parcel.
"Oh yes man, thanks yes". I replied. I just remember a few days ago I asked Mother to send my favorite novels. In this village is very minimal bookstore.



The piles of novels made me miss home more, Mother and Father. Feels like going back to nostalgic space. The aroma is like the smell of my room. I tidied the novels to bookshelves one by one, for some reason when I looked at them one by one, they seemed to have stories in my memories. Then I look at the next novel, the novel entitled "Color missed" by Adelia Sarah. It's like there's a stir in my heart when I look at the novel. My chest tightened, my breath heavy. I paused, my mind drifted, leaving my body through the roof of the house and penetrating the horizon took me a few years ago.

She's like caffeine in a cup of coffee. Bitter but it makes me want to continue to drink it. Gives pleasure but other effects are not good for the body. I always describe him like that. That afternoon, August 29, 2009 was my seventeenth birthday. I'm at home myself. The weather outside was raining. My handphone rang. Immediately I stared at the rectangular red screen. There was no name of the caller but, the Mobile number suffix made me smile happily. I never saved my Handphone number anyway, I've memorized it.
"Again what, I miss". Without the greeting and basa he said it to me. I do not know why everything he does is always perfect. His name is Erwin, he's my classmate in high school. Starting from friendship, the common habit finally grows. She's my first love. I know his feelings for me, and vice versa. But the pledge of dating is never there, I do not need anyway we're like a courting person and most of all I'm happy is enough.

Inevitably I fell in the story we made. I'm stuck, can not run away from everything about it. It was like a coincidence that ran through the nightdream, accidentally stopped by and took me away. With all his longing he makes me fall and confess the feeling in my heart is love. I feel having him because the sense of belonging is afraid of any loss arises. The longer I became more and more in love, I could not look the other way beside him. I thought he would be like that I was wrong. Erwin abandoned me and decided to end the relationship without our status, unfortunately he did it while I was in love-his love. My heart felt like crushed, like glass that fell to the floor.

It was the first day of school after the class increase, I felt I was in the third grade of high school and would soon graduate. My step was heavy when going into classroom XII IPA 1. Long enough I stand in front of the class to strengthen my feelings. Erwin smiled at me. Somehow the smile made my heart felt like a sharp thorn. Everything has changed we do not greet each other or sit together in front of the class as usual. Nevertheless, I can not take my eyes off the other way but in her direction.

Nearly 3 months like that finally Erwin contacted me. He asked for our relationship back to normal. I agree because in my heart there was only him. I knew that she was dating a class sister, stupidly I was willing to be second. He lied a lot about everything but I still faithfully hold his hand. I hope someday he will realize that I am the most faithful beside him. I mistook it for him to mean nothing to me. I am like a dim candle among the other bright candles. Erwin again decided to go and choose the other. I'm sick of it all. I decided to go and end all my feelings for her. After graduation I never call or just find out the news. I decided to continue my study at Hasanuddin University, Makassar.

In the small room measuring 4cmx5cm that I spent the last 3 years. That's how the world of students live in small boardinghouses, with makeshift equipment. The rooms are filled with wires everywhere. That night I was only accompanied by a laptop with a thesis entitled. Suddenly I was startled by the ringing red phone without the casing behind it. It turns out a new number knows whom. Immediately I was stunned, silent without a word. My heart was beating so fast. The voice is familiar to me. The old voice I did not hear.

"Hallo ... ame, ame why are you silent? this is me erwin ". Sapanya wonder because I just silent. I do not know what to say?. Confused what to do ?, I finally turn off the phone's cord. Immediately I was stunned my vision was not directional, suddenly the droplets wet the cheeks. For almost three years the feeling is still there. I still miss her. Already many who approached me on campus still I can not open my heart. I always ask, what's wrong is actually why we never meet on the same fate line ?. He always like that grabbed me who almost left, then asked me to leave after grabbing me.

My handphone again rings the incoming message sign and again the message is from Erwin
"Ame .. now you are in makassar, why you ga no news, you ga miss me ma. Can we meet tomorrow afternoon I wait at the bus stop near the campus? ".

The shadow of disappointment and hurt three years ago came back to me. Erwin short message, like reopening the wound sheets that have made an impression in my heart. But what power I like walking on a rope stepping rocking shake was still rocking. I do not want to see him again, but the longing longing for longing and constant struggling to find a way out. I was afraid that if I did not meet him I would lose forever. But if I meet him I'm afraid to be disappointed and hurt like before.

My tears dripped on the piles of novels. The silence of the night further adds to my sorrow. I never regretted my decision not to see Erwin that afternoon but, somehow this tightness never goes away when I remember it. My heart was shattered but with the most cracked pieces he was still beating. I also want to be happy I finally chose to let go, that's also one of the reasons why I'm here. I believe God's plan will be beautiful in time. Go with the wind, fly away wherever you like. Let fate decide whether you and I will be us or all of us will only be stories. If that day comes I hope we will be happy even if the path we choose may be different.