Maul’s Diary: Reigniting the Spark part 1: How Meditation & Magick have given me my life back

I have already done a video on how and why I came to this path; but I have not done one on just how dramatically my life has improved since that moment when I collapsed to my knees racked by tears of despair over my seeming inability to achieve long lasting sobriety, and begged Hecate to help me.

Well she certainly did ‘help’ me.
But let me be clear that she did NOT do it for me.
She made me stronger so I could do it for myself.

When I first had that experience,
and for several years afterwards
I believed that she had done it for me, but she didn’t.
She without a doubt took away my cravings for cocaine, but then I began maintaining with Methamphetamine.
Not enough to be considered an ‘addiction’ by the casual observer,
but from the inside I can tell you without question; it was still addiction.

Addiction does not have to look like the lower east side of Vancouver to be addiction.

It is not what or how much I used; it was the fact that I chose to use drugs despite all the reasons I knew I shouldn’t.

Methamphetamine is a very brutal drug,
so yes, it helped me get over the hump of getting used to life without cocaine; but it cost me health, it caused me unnecessary emotional distress by the bucket load; which unfortunately spilled out sideways causing me to destroy friendships beyond repair.

Good people who cared about me,
and about whom I cared very deeply;
will no longer give me the time of day.

I deserved it. It sucks, but I deserved it.

I was a fucking jackass and I am ashamed of my behavior.
However, it is not all gloom and doom,
because although I can never repair most of those relationships;
there is the remote possibility that some might come back around at some point.

But even if they don’t, it’s still not all bad news.

Because Cocaine is now so far back in my rear-view that I laugh at the possibility of ever using it again. Not because I am cocky,
but because my soul knows that chapter has now concluded.

I am 4 months into my abstinence from methamphetamine, and my emotions are finally leveling out.

I am finally beginning to see some of the fruits of my efforts. Not materially speaking but where it counts; in my mind, heart and soul.

But this has not been easy.

There were emotional shit storms as I would go into withdrawal;
which from Meth is especially emotional. Screaming fits, crying fits, suicidal thoughts, and even some homicidal thoughts, lol… (Not really)

There were times when I didn’t even want to be around myself. \

Try to imagine that if you can. Being so tired of your own negativity but being unable to be any other way; and beginning to wish you could get away from yourself.

Just imagine.

When I realized I couldn’t stand being around myself;
I quickly determined that it was time to make some real serious changes.

But what, and how? I wondered.

Drug free after 28+ years of snorting, smoking, or injecting
everything I could lay my paws on,
I was utterly clueless about many normal parts of life.

My social skills were badly out of whack,
my emotions were a powder keg just itching to blow at the slightest provocation.

I had to figure all of this out on my own,
because I was no longer going to the 12 step fellowships nor the 28-day spin-dry treatment, because they had never worked for me.

I would stay clean for varying periods of time,
but it never lasted, and I certainly never had the serenity
and confidence that I have today.

I began trying to get some counselling to help me process all my childhood trauma, as well as my PTSD,
but unless I could afford $450.00 and hour;
Canada offers nothing of the kind. Only the private sector.

Which is absurd, because if I had been emotionally healthy enough
to maintain a job; I would hardly have needed counselling, now would I?

But I digress.

So, there I was off the dope,
and all my hurt, all the emotions I had stuffed down with drugs,
sex, binge eating, and even cutting myself;
were now bubbling to the surface and I was swamped.

I was so overwhelmed with these intense levels of emotion
that I would spend many hours most days screaming at the top of my lungs, slamming things around, and generally being an absolute douchebag,

As I said there were times when in mid scream;
I would stop on a dime, and start laughing
as I realized that I wished,
“I could get away from me.”

So, I certainly understand all my friends abandoning me during this time.
Had I been physically able to do so; I would have been right behind them, lol…

So how did I get through it to be able to sit where I sit today?
Well that is the crux of the story I am weaving together now isn’t it.

The very first thing I had to do was get over my aversion to meditation.
I had been raised Roman Catholic, and my foster parents were very strict.
We were not even allowed to take multivitamins, so setting up my meditation pyramid for a session in the family room would have them doing much more than just raising their eyebrows. Never mind resin incense, charcoal discs, sage hydrosol and singing bowls.

In addition, I had never having been exposed even to the idea of meditation at home, when I first was exposed to the idea was in Sunday school.
Where; as you might guess; they were none too keen on it either.

In fact, I was taught that it was an occult practice akin to Witchcraft,

Muah-hah-hah! Little did they know, lmao…

However, I was never one to be discouraged easily,
so, I persisted with various lines of questioning.
I wanted to know why it was so bad.
What made it an unforgivable sin?
The little I did know about it seemed to indicate
that it was nothing more than sitting with your eyes closed,
breathing and not thinking.

My pastor became flushed as his frustration with my inquisitiveness
began to show.

Still I persisted; why? Why would I go to hell for all eternity, just
for sitting on a pillow, breathing, and not thinking?

I was clearly able to see that he did not have a ready answer.
So here he was molding the mind of a very impressionable child,
but he really didn’t know the answer.

It became clear to me that although ‘blind faith’, has in fact;
gotten me through many turbulent times;
there now appeared to be a thin line of separation between ‘blind faith’ and sheer ignorance.

Harsh words but that is what I took away from those conversations with my pastor.

He finally came up with some shockingly flimsy justification for this discrimination against the meditatively inclined. His theory was that in meditation we are told to clear our minds, which in and of itself, does not seem so satanic right?

That is exactly what I said to which he laughed softly
as he stated emphatically that Jesus must be in our minds
and hearts every minute of the day,
and so, pushing him out even for the very therapeutic practice of meditation
was simply unacceptable.

I would like to know where Jesus was in his mind as he watched reruns of the price is right…

But again, I digress.

So, having been programmed this way
when I first came to the realization that meditation might be the only thing capable of saving my sanity; I came face to face with decades old programming. It was challenging, but honestly, I think it was more the irrational belief I held which told me; “Men, don’t do Yoga or meditate.” that held me back. I always felt silly or awkward.

But I overcame that even, and thank the Gods I did,
or I am all but certain I would not be above ground today.
Either by my own hand; in despondence; ending my own life,
or by the hands of someone else no longer capable of listening to
my verbal diarrhea, and murdering me to preserve their own sanity
I’m not kidding either, it was simply awful.

So, once I got over my aversions and sat my ass down and tried it on for size,
I immediately saw its therapeutic value, even recognizing so many of my past circumstances might have turned out differently, had I been exposed to it much earlier in my life.

Then my next struggle was with making a regular and consistent part of my life.

There were always other things that I would tell myself were more important, and before I got those things done; "whaddaya know?" it was already bedtime.

This happened often, at least until I got frustrated with my own flawed beliefs.

I had immediately seen the beneficial effects of meditation,
but I was still not making time for it in my life.

There’s always, tomorrow right?

Well there were some very dark nights of the soul throughout this whole process, which very well could have concluded in suicide,
had I not established meditation, as a tool firmly secured on my tool belt.

But it did not come easily, or naturally at first.

I really had to take authority over myself, and my life.

The first thing I did to help me make meditation a priority in my life was to dedicate a space in my home to it, and decorate it accordingly.

I had read an article which suggested that this meditation or sacred space should be situated so that during my day I would have to pass by it as many times as possible.

Thereby acting as anything from a gentle and friendly reminder to a reminder of what I should be doing; but am not. to a nagging reminder.

That went on for awhile and finally I started to cool off on the whole idea.
Then I ordered my first shipment of Witchy goods from an online supplier,
and within that shipment was a resin incense sampler.

I opened that box with all the enthusiasm of a toddler tearing the paper off his birthday presents before the cake had even been served. I was tingling with electricity as I beheld my first ever genuine Witchcraft related paraphernalia.

My athame, my chalice, and the resin sampler came in that package I believe. I thought it was so awesome.

I finally had some stuff to put on my Witchy shelves. My eyes gleamed as I shook the containers of resin one by one, to try and get a better look.

As I admired them with reverence;
I suddenly realized that I hadn’t the foggiest clue
what such a thing would be used for.

“Was it herbal?”

“Were they obscure ingredients in an elaborate spell to bring world peace?

Honestly, I was stumped.

I know you are having a good laugh about this, as I am,
but that is just how ‘NEW’ I was, lol.

Finally, with the initial giddiness of package opening and discovery concluded;
I scooted over to the computer to see what was up with all this resin ‘stuff’.

As soon as I realized what it was used for, and had done some reading on the different varieties and what effects they were said to produce. My attitude regarding meditation, immediately did an about-face.

Suddenly meditation was not ‘for girls’ but now it was a sacred spiritual act.

This was the game changer for me in more ways than one.

Not only did I no longer have to police myself into meditation,
but it became a priority above all else.

As it should be, in my experience.
You see, all those times that I tended to ‘other things’ rather than meditation,
I got very little done. I was clumsy, disorganized, and generally ineffective at most if not all that I tried to do.

But I now already knew that after meditation;
these issues all but went away.

My clumsiness seems to be with me NMW,
but after meditation I am an altogether different person.

Had I not made meditation a regular part of my life,
I would either be dead, or locked up in one institution or another.

Of that I have no doubt. Still the resin incense was not the cure to my procrastination, but it was the model for how I could reignite the fire of meditation within my mind, heart and soul.

It’s exquisite in its simplicity.

ARE YOU READY?
OK HERE IT COMES:

SHAKE IT UP!

Shake it up every now and again.
Get yourself a meditation pyramid; (I love mine),
meditate outdoors, join a meditation group.

These are just a few ideas but point is to add variety;
it is the spice of life after all.

When my meditation routine,
becomes more routine than meditation,
I shake it up in some way.

Make it special again, and get ‘er’ done…

written by Maul