Incredible India monthly contest of October #2|While making decisions!
THE ART OF DECISION-MAKING: A HUSBAND'S PERSPECTIVE
The question: what will I do? is as old as human existence and mirrors the fact that decision-making has been a vital part of man's life from inception to date. According to the Bible's creation account, the first example of decision-making in human history is traced back to the garden of Eden, where the first man – ADAM – had to decide whether to disobey his creator and eat of the forbidden fruit or obey him and shun it completely. In the end, he decided to eat of the fruit, and the outcome is what life has become for humans today as opposed to what God had originally purposed it to be. For believers in the Bible, this illustrates that the outcome of a decision is sometimes beyond the person who made it. It can as well have far-reaching effects on the lives of his loved ones, associates or neighbours.
WHAT ARE DECISIONS AND DECISION-MAKING?
An online Oxford Dictionary defines "decision" as "a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration." On the other hand, "decision-making" refers to the action or process of coming to a conclusion after due consideration. Over time, humans have, by perception and practice, come to classify decisions into two groups – SMALL DECISIONS and WEIGHTY DECISIONS.
In the group of "small decisions" are those decisions that are considered so small that they rarely come across consciously as being decisions. One can think about decisions such as what movie to watch, what to have for breakfast, what underwear to put on, and the like – simple decisions that we excitingly and readily look forward to each day. On the flip side are decisions that are viewed as weighty ones, those that have considerable bearing on our lives and possibly those of others around us as well. These decisions are identified by the fact that they need critical thinking and careful considerations to make them. In fact, these are decisions that are sometimes troubling to the point where we either do not sleep well at night or wake up in the middle of the night pondering them. In this category can be decisions like: should I quit my present job and take a particular new offer? How will my planned relocation abroad affect my family? Is this person the right one for me? How will my divorce affect the kids? And so on.
It has to be stated at this point that the concept of decision-making is multifaceted, expansive and complex, as it cuts across young and old, male and female, husband and wife, superior and subordinate, et al. Above all, there is no one-size-fits-all factor, technique, or methodology for decision-making. While an individual may fancy the behavioural strategy to arrive at a given decision, for example, another in his capacity as a manager may decide to deploy the analytical, directive, or conceptual strategy. The truth is that the efficiency of each decision-making strategy is dependent on the peculiarity of the situation or environment.
To keep this piece specific and concise, the focus has been limited solely to decision-making as it pertains to a husband or family head.
A HUSBAND'S DECISION: PERSONAL DECISION-MAKING VS. JOINT DECISION-MAKING
While the husband, as an individual, is entitled to make his personal decisions on matters, virtually all of his decisions (including those of a seemingly personal nature) must reflect a keen consideration and deep regard predominantly for his wife and child(ren). This has to be the case because as key components of his immediate family, the wife and children are his dependants on whose lives his decisions have a direct bearing. In other words, the husband’s personal decisions must always give way to the joint decisions (of his, the wife, and children) in order to achieve the desired result or success.
In his decision-making, the husband will do well to never ignore the time-tested decision-making technique of first DEFINING THE PROBLEM from everyone's point of view, followed by GATHERING of RELEVANT INFORMATION, then BRAINSTORMING ALTERNATIVES, and finally EVALUATING OPTIONS before taking a final position – a method that will undoubtedly result in his feeling the pulse of everyone (family members) and subsequently ensuring that he has their full cooperation and support to make the final decision work.
Additionally, the husband must always discuss with and seek his wife’s input on key decisions that directly affect the family, and then also encourage her to freely express her thoughts and feelings on the matter. This, the husband does, by keeping the lines of communication open, remaining approachable, and weighing her preferences carefully. During the decision-making process, the wife’s opinions and submissions must be viewed and considered as those of a PARTNER in decision-making and a team player and not a subordinate. This disposition is vital because if the wife senses that her contributions are often disregarded, belittled, never considered, and are even used against her subsequently, she will not only get hurt but will likely become withdrawn to avoid further emotional pain. And any one-sided decision by the husband as family head cannot possibly be as all-encompassing, with a beneficial outcome to all concerned, as it ought to have been if the wife's input was factored in.
CONSIDER THIS SCENARIO: A husband has a personal decision to make on whether he should resign from his present job and relocate abroad alone to work there for a while and better his dwindling family fortune. And when he has been financially stable, the rest of the family back home can then join him overseas.
Now, if the husband were to focus mainly on the face value benefit of earning more in hard currency and unilaterally decide to make the move abroad, he is very likely to make a not-too-good, if not poor, decision. On the other hand, he is likely to make the best decision if he brings the wife and children on board. This is so because together as a family, they will examine the situation to identify the key issues, gather more information, brainstorm alternatives and carefully evaluate options before deciding on what is best. Bringing the views and opinions of the wife and children to the front burner will give rise to valid concerns, in the form of the following questions: while the family's fortune has truly dwindled, is the father’s relocation abroad or adjustments in family lifestyle and expenditures the much-needed practical solution at the moment? Might changing the children's school or letting them adjust from boarding (staying in school) to operating from home better the situation? If the family has up to three or four cars, are all those really necessary, or could the family adjust and make do with one or two cars instead, pending when the situation improves? How long is it expected for the husband to work abroad before he can get the family to finally join him – a year, two years, three or more? In that case, what happens to his and the wife’s emotional and sexual needs while he is away? How does he satisfy the children's need for fatherly guidance during the period in question? While relocating abroad is expected to almost improve the family finances, can the improved income and additional wealth make up for the loss of family time together and bonding? Clearly, analysing these concerns as a family devoid of biased leanings, will no doubt put the husband in a better position to arrive at a decision that prioritises collective benefits over individual interest or preference.
It is equally vital that the husband always keep in mind that along with the tenderness and compassion that the mother expresses towards the children, he is expected to be a stabilising influence, one of strength and of wise direction to the children by way of his decision-making. How so? The husband’s example in deciding on matters can influence his male child to grow up either as a weak, indecisive person or one who is manly and steady, showing courage of conviction and a willingness to shoulder responsibility. In fact, it can affect the kind of husband or father that the son eventually becomes – an unyielding, unreasoning one, or one who is balanced, discerning and kind. And if the child is a daughter, how the husband carries the wife and family along in decision-making can affect the girl's whole outlook on the male gender and either contribute to or hinder her future success in marriage. How serious!
Ultimately, whatever the circumstances and factors considered or the decision-making technique that the husband finds practical, he should always resist the temptation of being influenced to base his decisions on emotions or on what appears at the moment to be the easy way out.
CONCLUSION
Certainly, humans have been and will always be confronted with tough decisions to make, either for themselves or on behalf of others. And for a husband as family head, among the challenging situations that will warrant such tough calls could be ideological differences, clashes of interest, individual idiosyncrasies, juvenile delinquencies, peer pressure, disagreements in style or method of parenting, etc. While there is no one-size-fits-all methodology for all decision-making, with the efficiency of each decision-making strategy dependent on the peculiarity of the situation or environment, it remains the wisest course of action for the husband to always let everyone (his family members) have a say as he seeks to first of all identify the problem, gather information, brainstorm alternatives, and evaluate options before making his final decision.
So, the next time that you are confronted with a decision as a husband, remember that life is one-directional – it only moves forward, never returns, and gives no room for going back to undo past mistakes; and this underscores the wisdom and value of taking time to make good decisions in the present so that one can have, not a regrettable future, but a better one.