Pretending to be more than you are

It is indeed ironic. I wanted to write a fluffy piece about money last Thursday. About how I naturally had good relations to it as a kid. How I always ended up being a money magnet or the little dragon as dad used to call me. And how I believed that part of me was still there and that I only had to remember how it felt.

Needless to say that the last week and predictively the upcoming one up until the 10th of December is the stuff of financial and most importantly emotional nightmares. How come? Well, it all boils down to not communicating my boundaries properly, that effectively blew up in my face big time.

Talk about anger, talk about non-self. Oh, there's still so much to learn!

In my defence, how do you say no to two people that have in an unlikely manner teamed up and you know, loves you and wants the best for you.. how do you communicate the boundary if you feel like you've already done it? I caved in. And the immediate response was anger. What? I know, right. Little did I know at the time that it will blow out of proportion way down the line.

So this is me. Resentful. Pitiful. Scrambling. Wanting to scale back big time, just to feel like I'm in safety, like I've got my shit under control. Because who says I need to jump higher than my personal butt in the first place? Who says I have to pretend to be more than I am at the cost of my mental wellbeing? No one. Exactly.

So from now on, it's my rules. My boundaries. Communicated clearly (I know I'll still need to learn how to do this properly, but at least the intention is there).

What about the money though? Well, it's merely a representation of one's energy, to begin with, so it being stuck in the limbo speaks volumes to me of what I do to myself when I try to give more than I have. Of what I do to myself when I prioritize appeasing and pleasing others, before ensuring I have enough energy to give in the first place.

So I'm going to focus on being more, rather than running around trying to appear more.

Hugs&Coffee,
~Josie~