Breaking news ! The ISIS - K are preparing to invade the UK !
October 13th, 2021.
We've just received information from our reporter on the ground in Afghanistan, that the group known as ISIS-K is preparing to invade the UK (not to be confused with special-k, or special needs) .
Our undercover reporter 'Jihadi Jim' , has been infiltrating the radical group ever since all their Christmas's came at once , with parcels brimming full of US weaponry (Or should that be 'all their 'Eid's' , coming at once?).
Anyways....
Our reporter has found out about an imminent, upcoming invasion, while talking to some of their leaders.
"We've been training non stop , for the upcoming offensive", Said one of the heads of the organization.
" We've had some technical challenges, but we've managed to overcome them."
These 'challenges' that he mentioned, were later revealed to be both of aquatic, and electric, in nature....
"The main problem was," He said "...Is that the UK is an island, and we have no boats.
This posed a multitude of problems for us, due to us being completely landlocked.
It's very difficult to practice landing on the beaches of England, without any boats.
Hell, 89.45 % of us didn't even know what a boat was, never mind what they looked liked. "
Fortunately for them ( and mostly due to the US departing from Afghanistan quicker than a guy from a strangers house, who's just sobered up from a mistake he'd made from the night before )- ISIS-K found ways to circumvent these issues.
*The U.S forces had created various entertainment venues while in Afghanistan, that catered perfectly to help ISIS-K and the amphibious landings they were planning to undertake.
*footage shot undercover.
The groups leader went on to say that... "Getting the bloody boats to go in the right direction was total bastard, I can tell you. But eventually we fixed that problem by peddling in a different direction."
The footage captured above shows the crack troops of ISIS-K (Biriani squad), in the early stages of their training.
Now that they're fully trained, they say that hitting the beaches of Dover in their swan amphibious landing craft will be - to quote one of the Biriani storm troopers - 'A piece of camel piss'.
After much sweet, milky tea (and buns), the leader went onto to tell about the other problems they'd encountered while getting ready for the invasion.
"Electric," He said.
"We know what electricity is , of course - we've had it ourselves for over 9 months now - but the what we didn't realize, was that everyone in the UK is now driving electric cars.
Our plan of attack was to hit the beaches of Dover in our SALC's (Swan Amphibious Landing Craft) and then drive up to Manchester to occupy an area called 'Ancoats', where the other invasion force would meet up with us, and from there, go somewhere else altogether."
Logistical support is always a major concern in war, especially when conducting offensive operations, but they'd cleverly worked out that the amount of kebab shops in the Ancoats area, would be more than suffice to feed their entire army, before continuing on with their operations.
Our reporter was shocked (to say the least) to hear that there were two invasion forces at play, and so inquired further about the second attack...
"It's another part of our amphibious operation," Tribal leader Abdul MKultra boasted proudly, (he adamantly denies having any Scottish decent).
He continued on " ...It's a force that's nearly invisible!.. This will land directly on the beaches of Ancoats."
Not wanting to reveal his real identity, our reporter said "I've been to Ancoats in Manchester, and I wasn't aware that there were any beaches there.
It's many miles from the sea, isn't it? "
"Pah!," Mr. MKultra said, dismissively "Beaches or 'canal unloading areas' - it's all the same to the great invasion force of ISIS-K!".
When pushed more about the dates of the invasion, he was more than happy to speak about it.
"It's already begun!,' He laughed "The first wave is already heading to Ancoats as we speak !...It set off over three months ago, and will be hitting canal st, in around the next 4 weeks, depending on the canals locks , and their timing issues."
He passed photo's over of the second wave of amphibious craft that were making there way to Manchester.
He went on " As you can see, our assault troops are well disguised. We thought this'd be a real problem, but no - after only 4 weeks of living under the most miserable weather on the planet, we looked as pasty white, and as unhealthy, as the indigenous population!"
"Anyway", Said the leader of ISIS-K " Because of our great American allies, er, I mean enemies, it meant that we could soon learn to drive these strange electric vehicles. ...I'd never quite realized until then, just how utterly backwards the UK was. ...ISIS-K will liberate the enslaved peoples of the UK from their electric nightmares, and we'll give 'em petrol! "
**UPDATE:
The invasion plan was called off!
Since filing this report, all the canal barges are being returning to the 'Hoeseasons camping holidays, and military depot'.
New intelligence has been received that shows the invasion plan was fundamentally flawed.
An insider, undercover agent, code-name Priti Patel, has been able to facilitate all Afghan shock troops arriving into the UK, with free transport, free accommodation and free food.
Due to this newly received information, the need to occupy Ancoats seemed a little bit silly really.
Not only that, Ms Patel has ensured that the invasion craft are now fully kitted out with engines and even come with fully qualified chauffeurs.
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