8-20-16

"Kindness Is The Reason I'm Still Here"

When I think back on last November it doesn't even seem real. At the point where I'm at now, though not perfect and totally plagued with anxiety, it's difficult for me to even wrap my head around all the pain I was carrying back then. I remember the day right after I was forced to leave my home of three and a half years. I had work that day. I hadn't slept because I spent the night in my car sobbing. I got into the office early after throwing on whatever I had forgotten in my back seat. My hair was greasy and I was desperately trying to cover up the circles under my eyes with foundation. I began my day and tried to act nonchalant. Everything peachy.  At one point a male coworker asked me how I was doing and I just burst into tears. And yet still I thought I was doing a good job of faking it. As the day wrapped up a female coworker told me she needed to get something from her car so she'd walk me out. 

"Eve, I know you're not okay and I'm worried."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Eve everyone can see it. You're usually cheery and energetic but the last few weeks you've been quiet and you look tired and sad. And today you looked worse than when your mother had cancer. I know you're depressed."

I felt tears burn hot in my eyes. I couldn't hold them back. I cried in that empty parking lot. I told her I kept thinking awful things. I told her I wanted to just give up. I told her I had no place to go tonight.

Though she couldn't offer me a place to stay this woman sat down with me in that empty parking lot and helped me find an appointment the very next day with a psychiatrist. She sorted through my insurance bullshit that always seemed to overwhelm me when I thought about getting help. She even offered to go with me. I'll never forget how her kindness and her attention started my journey to self healing. Kindness is the reason I'm still here. 

"For Once I'll Love Myself Before Anyone Else"

I can say with confidence that there's never been a time where I wasn't eager to please. When I was a kid I was abandoned and it wasn't something I ever forgot. I thought "If I'm good they won't leave me." "If I'm good they'll love me" And so my entire life I've always put everyone else's needs before myself. I forgive and I support everyone. I gave and gave and gave to the point where I'd put myself in difficult situations. And yet I didn't have much support in my life. I didn't have much loyalty towards me.

The therapy and support groups I've been attending have helped me realize that I need to extend that devotion and love to myself before anyone else. In the end, we are the only sure thing in our own lives. If you love yourself you're never alone. Well, if you love yourself you wont MIND being alone. I'm ready to love myself. 

"Ups and Downs"

As my friend and I were leaving the movie we went to I asked him how he was doing.  As he stumbled upon an answer he looked incredibly puzzled. You see, his wife attempted suicide in March and so all the focus from friends and family has solely been on her. I'm aware that he's not entirely doing okay but I don't think too many people are. I saw how my depression affected my last partner (Though, looking back he shared a lot in common with Satan.) and so I've always been concerned with how he's doing since his wife's depression is really severe. He explained to me that they've had many ups and downs but things are getting better. As he said that, I noticed this set of staircases. Sometimes it really feels like Los Angeles herself speaks to me. It's like she's alive and listening and responding to what I'm thinking of or talking about. Life really does have its ups and downs. Sometimes the downs come in gigantic tsunamis that you'll feel you'll never live through....But as long as there's breath in your lungs you've go to keep trying. The ups will be so, so, much sweeter when they do come. It'll feel like golden sunlight on your shoulders. 

Always keep fighting.