The Chaos Gerald Nolst Trenite
[Journal of the Simplified Spelling Society, 17, 1994/2 Item 7]
The ChaosGerard Nolst Trenité
This version is essentially the author's own final text, as also published by New River Project in 1993. A few minor corrections have however been made, and occasional words from earlier editions have been preferred. Following earlier practice, words with clashing spellings or pronunciations are here printed in italics.
Dearest creature in creation studying English pronunciation,I will teach you in my verse sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse. I will keep you, Susy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy; Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear; Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer. Pray, console your loving poet, Make my coat look new, dear, sewit!
10 Just compare heart, hear and heard,Dies and diet, lord and word. Sword and sward, retain and Britain(Mind the latter how it's written).Madehas not the sound of bade, Say — said, pay — paid, laid but plaid. Now I surely will not plague you with such words as vague and ague, But be careful how you speak, Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,
20 Previous, precious, fuchsia, via, Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir; Woven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe. Say, expecting fraud and trickery: Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore, Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles, Missiles, similes, reviles. Wholly, holly, signal, signing, Same, examining, but mining,
30 Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far. From "desire": desirable — admirable from "admire", Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier, Topsham, brougham, renown, but known, Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone, One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel. Gertrude, German, wind and wind, Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,
40 Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather. This phonetic labyrinth Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth. Have you ever yet endeavoured To pronounce revered and severed, Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul, Peter, petrol and patrol? Billet does not end like ballet; Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
50 Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mouldlike should and would.Banquet is not nearly parquet, Which exactly rhymes with khaki. Discount, viscount, load and broad,Toward, to forward, to reward, Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?Right! Your pronunciation's OK. Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live.
60 Is your R correct in higher? Keats asserts it rhymes Thalia. Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot, Buoyant, minute, but minute. Say abscission with precision, Now: position and transition;Would it tally with my rhyme If I mentioned paradigm? Twopence, threepence, tease are easy, But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
70 Cornice, nice, valise, revise, Rabies,but lullabies. Of such puzzling words as nauseous, Rhyming well with cautious, tortious, You'll envelop lists, I hope, In a linen envelope. Would you like some more? You'll have it! Affidavit, David, davit. To abjure, to perjure. SheikDoes not sound like Czech but ache.80 Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed but vowed.Mark the difference, moreover, Between mover, plover, Dover. Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice, Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label.
90 Petal, penal, and canal, Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal, Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it", But it is not hard to tell why it's pall, mall, but PallMall. Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron, Timber, climber, bullion, lion, Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor, 100 Ivy, privy, famous; clamours the A of drachm and hammer. Pussy, hussy and possess, Desert, but desert, address. Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenantsHoist in lieu of flags left pennants. Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb, Cow, but Cowper, some and home." Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker", Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",
110 Making, it is sad but true, In bravado, much ado. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt, Font, front, won't, want, grand and grant. Arsenic, specific, scenic, Relic, rhetoric, hygienic. Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close, Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.
120 Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle, Make the latter rhyme with eagle.Mind! Meandering but mean,Valentine and magazine. And I bet you, dear, a penny, You say mani-(fold) like many, Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier, Tier (one who ties), but tier. Arch, archangel; pray, does erringRhyme with herring or with stirring?
130 Prison, bison, treasure trove, Treason, hover, cover, cove, Perseverance, severance. RibaldRhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled. Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw, Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw. Don't be down, my own, but rough it,And distinguish buffet, buffet; Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.
140 Say in sounds correct and sterlingHearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling. Evil, devil, mezzotint,Mind the Z! (A gentle hint.)Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention, Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws, Rhyming with the pronoun yours; Nor are proper names included, Though I often heard, as you did,
150 Funny rhymes to unicorn,Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.No, my maiden, coy and comely, I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley. No. Yet Froude compared with proudIs no better than McLeod.But mind trivial and vial, Tripod, menial, denial, Troll and trolley, realm and ream, Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme. 160 Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. SurelyMay be made to rhyme with Raleigh,But you're not supposed to sayPiquetrhymes with sobriquet.Had this invalid invalidWorthless documents? How pallid, How uncouth he, couchant, looked,When for PortsmouthI had booked!Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,Paramour, enamoured, flighty, 170 Episodes, antipodes,Acquiesce, and obsequies. Please don't monkey with the geyser, Don't peel 'taters with my razor, Rather say in accents pure: Nature, stature and mature.Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly, Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly, Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan, Wan, sedan and artisan.180 The Th will surely trouble youMore than R, Ch or W. Say then these phonetic gems: Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham, There are more but I forget 'em — Wait! I've got it: Anthony, Lighten your anxiety.The archaic word albeitDoes not rhyme with eight— you see it;190 With and forthwith, one has voice,One has not, you make your choice.Shoes, goes, does*. Now first say: finger; Then say: singer, ginger, linger. Real, zeal, mauve, gauzeand gauge,Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry fury, bury,Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth, Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.200 Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners, Bowing, bowing, banjo-tunersHolm you know, but noes, canoes, Puisne, truism, use, to use?Though the difference seems little, We say actual, but victual, Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,Put, nut, granite, and unite.Reefer does not rhyme with deafer, Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. 210 Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late, Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.Gaelic, Arabic, pacific, Science, conscience, scientific; Tour, but our, dour, succour, four, Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Say manoeuvre, yachtand vomit, Next omit, which differs from it Bona fide, alibiGyrate, dowry and awry. 220 Sea, idea, guinea, area,Psalm, Maria, but malaria.Youth, south, southern, cleanseand clean,Doctrine, turpentine, marine.Compare alienwith Italian,Dandelionwith battalion,Rally with ally; yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay! Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, receiver. 230 Never guess — it is not safe,We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf. Starry,granary, canary, Crevice, but device, and eyrie, Face, but preface, then grimace,Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,Ought, oust,joust, and scour, but scourging;Ear, but earn; and ere and tearDo not rhyme with herebut heir. 240 Mind the O of offand oftenWhich may be pronounced as orphan,With the sound of saw and sauce;Also soft, lost, clothand cross.Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.Respite, spite, consent, resent.Liable, but Parliament.Sevenis right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,250 Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk, Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work. A of valour, vapid vapour,S of news (compare newspaper), G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,I of antichristand grist, Differ like diverseand divers, Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll, Polish, Polish, poll and poll. 260 Pronunciation — think of Psyche! — Is a paling, stout and spiky.Won't it make you lose your witsWriting groats and saying 'grits'? It's a dark abyssor tunnelStrewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,Islington, and Isleof Wight, Housewife, verdictand indict.Don't you think so, reader, rather, Saying lather, bather, father? 270 Finally, which rhymes with enough,Though, through, bough, cough, hough,sough, tough?? Hiccoughhas the sound of sup... My advice is: GIVE IT UP! * No, you're wrong. This is the plural of doe.