How to win an argument with your partner (100% not liable for results)

Winning arguments is important in a relationship, follow my top 3 tried and tested methods and you will be on your way to alpha status (or dumped).

1) The "did you just see that" - In the middle of the argument suddenly look through a window and mumble under your breath "what the.." then run outside and look up into the sky, your partner will follow and which point you need to explain to them what you just "saw". Its good to have a few back ups as UFO will not fly (but I guess technically UFOs do fly), meteor is a safe bet or plane, run further down the street for better effect. This will stop the argument dead in its tracks and they'll even forget what they were angry at you for. This one generally only works once so save it for that special one.

2) Cry - My partner taught me this one. All you need to do is start crying no matter how trivial the argument is. Even better if you're both crying (and quite emotionally beautiful). Carry around sealed bag of onions or poke eyes repeatedly.

3) Ask them for evidence - This has been my go to lately. Its simple, all you need to do is ask them for evidence, then when they present it you refute it. Keep in mind there are only two parties to this argument and only two people on the jury (or three if you get your flat mate involved), if the jury can't agree its a hung jury and the accused is released without charge (you are the accused in this scenario). This one works extremely well for farts as it is rare they will be recording and its their word against yours.

Please note I am not liable for any damages caused by the above information.