Running: A Tool To Observe My Personal Fabric of Reality

Things I've Realized From Training For A Marathon

Motivation is a fabric. Running allows me to see the weft and weave. The specific textures, thickness, strength of individual threads. Where they start and where they end. Each thread seems to have some origin point that I either consciously or subconsciously delineate. And the end point is in my body, giving me cause to keep moving. The longer I run, the more apparent these threads come into view. The motivation fabric becomes more taut as my body tires. I watch as the subtlest influences bolster that fabric or cause threads to break.

Yesterday, during my longest training run before my first race this year, I felt that fabric shredding. I could see the many factors stacking up, and eventually that fabric tore. 

One of the biggest motivational factors, I realized, was a desire to be witnessed and remembered. For example, yesterday I was running alone on a beautiful and quiet coastal road. For hours. With no one to talk to. Basically, the little voice on my phone app was the only thing"remembering" and witnessing my run. And at about mile 14 it started to rain. My phone app died...

For some reason, that, more than running in the hot sun for the first 2 hours, my aching legs and feet, and nausea at trying to replenish calories while running, had given me the biggest tear in my motivational fabric. I spent the next couple of miles milling over why this was affecting me so much.

After all of my many past experiences hiking for weeks alone in the wilderness over hundereds of miles, why was I so affected by this feeling of not being seen? I don't actually want a 'Big Brother" to be out there watching my every move. But I do want to be able to reach out and connect with folks that would be able to see, appreciate, and reciprocate in a non-creepy, motivational kind of way. That can be very powerful, and can amplify what I could achieve on my own.   I realized I have held myself up to an ideal of independence and self-sufficiency. I had judgement around wanting to feel seen and validated by others.

And yet, that is a totally normal human desire, noting to be ashamed of! I don't have to do this alone to prove that I am strong. I actually don't have anything to prove. I am just doing what brings me joy and satisfaction after all!

Why am I doing this anyway?  

What are the real colors and textures of my motivational fabric?

These are the juicy questions that have me reflecting now.

Specifiically, WHAT about what I do brings me joy and satisfaction?

I am noticing more and more that outer validation and witnessing is a part of my experiencing joy and satisfaction. My motivational threads stretch out far beyond myself. I love receiving validation and being witnessed by others. And I also love validating and witnessing others as well!  

So, here is to connecting our threads of motivation and inspiration in a beautiful tapestry of all of us witnessing and supporting each other in being our truest authentic, vividly vital selves!

-Sharon Anne