The Poor & Lazy Parent's Guide to Pain-Free Childbirth

My child was born 2.5 years ago, and I've waited until now to release my thoughts. Giving birth is a very personal and sensitive experience. The choices you make while pregnant have a great impact on how labor will go. NO WOMAN eats, exercises and meditates perfectly for 9 months, so never judge or look down on anyone for falling short!

I found out I was pregnant while living in Florida, USA, a state where Medicaid (government subsidized healthcare for low-income families) covers Midwife services, such as home birth and birthing centers. Being the All-Natural-When-I-Can-Afford-It-All type, I called EVERY midwife in the Tampa area, until I found the only one that accepts Medicaid. It's called "Sweet Child O'Mine", and is an absolutely excellent practice. I had access to top quality Midwives and Nurses, for FREE, without any drugs, needles, or hospital visits unless absolutely necessary (though any emergency hospital visits would be covered as well).

Back to the story... Unless you ALREADY have an amazing diet of fresh food, exercise religiously, and can inhale/exhale for more than 60 seconds, it will take a huge amount of will power to have the glorious, "easy" birth that dreams are made of!

#1: KNOW THAT PAIN FREE BIRTH IS POSSIBLE. Here's a quick guide to scientific, anecdotal and videographic evidence:

• Search youtube videos of "modern" women experiencing comfortable birth (Many many examples such as: PAIN-FREE Home Birth)

• Read peer-reviewed, anthropological research of "primitive" women experiencing comfortable birth (Read One Abstract Here)

• Listen to Jay-Z's mom testify on the first 20 seconds of "December 4th" (Track 2 on Fade to Black)

• Read "Hypnobirthing" by Marie Mongan. Skeptical? Borrow it from the library or read it at the bookstore before purchasing. JUST DO IT!

#2: PRACTICE. VISUALIZE. BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE SOME MORE..

• Listen to positive birth affirmations every day. Many are free online, or available through professional "Hypnobirthing" course instructors. Super easy and fun excuse to chill and do nothing except listen to happy/corny/hopeful words.

• DEVELOP YOUR BREATH. LIKE ITS YOUR JOB. This is where I messed up... I didn't start practicing long, deep breathing until I was 6 months pregnant, and didn't make it a daily habit. Breathing is a spiritual tool and the patience and self discipline you develop from learning to inhale and exhale long enough to contain an entire contraction, makes you a better person/Mother as well. I failed miserably though!

MY BIRTHING STORY:

I woke up with painful contractions at 8am, labored at home, went to the birthing center at 3pm (my water broke in the car on the way over), was totally dilated at 3:30pm, and had my baby at 4:59pm.

Though it was "Only" 9 hours long, I was unpleasantly surprised at how painful my contractions were, and how weak I felt, especially when crowning. I was NOT able to breathe long enough to manage pain during contractions, especially while I was laying down. Contractions while I was standing up were relatively painless, but I was so weak I couldn't maintain that position.

My weakness was due to not eating enough the night before, and then not a single thing the entire day. All I drank was fresh coconut water. I had no appetite at all, but should have forced myself to have as many calories as possible when I woke up and first felt contractions. I eventually found a semi-sitting position with a exercise ball, that made pain a bit more bearable.

It felt terrible to be touched by anyone, anywhere, except my feet, and I was quite mean and bitchy throughout the process. Not good!

Credit Where Credit is Due:

My ex-husband made me 9 months worth of smoothies, aloe drinks & skin concoctions. He (usually) kept me from sneaking out of the house for cake & ice cream. He cut dozens and dozens of coconuts open for me, and helped the midwife pull the baby out. I don't have stretch marks, or an unhealthy baby, thanks to him.

All Thanks & Praise to the One, Most High, Creator "God" for the support and safety of the birth!

CONCLUSION: Eat, drink and breathe like you should, regardless of pregnancy.

1. Healthy diet cannot be stressed enough during pregnancy (and breastfeeding). There is NO NEED for prenatal vitamins, if you eat enough fresh vegetables, fruits, and protein. Heavy folic acid in prenatal pills is the reason "tongue ties" have become so common. Tongue ties are extra flesh connecting lips or tongue to the gums, and can prevent a baby from successfully latching to breastfeed. Babies can easily have a tongue tie clipped by a doctor, but not always in time to save the breastfeeding relationship! NO VITAMIN IN PILL OR LIQUID FORM IS PROCESSED BY YOUR BODY IN THE SAME WAY THAT FOOD IS. If you're not committed to a healthy diet, then just take your vitamins, and educate yourself about what your baby may need after he's born! (NOTE: Since originally writing this article, I've found out about "whole food" vitamins that may be comparable to food. I will do more research and so should you!)

2. Your mind is extremely powerful, and if you are willing to PRACTICE long breathing, perineal stretching (Read the book I listed above!!!), positive language, and constructive imagery, you CAN have pain-free birth. I did not, but I learned from it and will be better prepared if I ever have another child.