From Illness to Wellness : My Personal Downfall
Do you think it's possible that when we carnate into this existence, we subconsciously dictate a personal prescription of pending experiences that give us the opportunity to fulfill our Life Purpose? Every encounter, exchange and event, pre-calculated variables leading to a predestined equation?
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” - J.K. Rowling
I believe every soul has a Destiny hanging in the balance, waiting to be revealed and utilized- but with every living entity there is a right to Free will. To accept and act upon will or to simply let it be. Recapitulating my childhood memories has become a profound tool in introspecting the conditions and circumstances that have led me to where I am today.
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Looking back now, I find I no longer hold resentment from my upbringing. Father is a strong willed , free thinking entrepreneur who fueled my love for the arts, science, fiction and being social with others. Mother is an equally strong willed entrepreneur who exemplified good work ethic, sacrifice and responsibility.
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Both my parents are familiar with their roots originating from Uganda and the Philippines. They traveled extensively and brought my sibling and I along so there was no lack of perspective in matters of tradition nor in the gradual understanding of the nature of this world. We experienced the lavish and wealthy as well as the modest and poor.
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Since age 9 I began exploring the myths from history, from my own ancestral lineage (The Buganda Clan), other forms of esoteric knowledge, childishly entertained Wicca practices and was drawn to Ancient civilizations. On the other hand, I delved quickly into Science and it's logical approach with analysis and reasoning. Father was an opinionated borderline Atheist/Agnostic and Mother was a devote practicing Christian.
But along with the lessons of compassion and empathy, came lessons of manipulation, hate and fear. I stole and lied just as equally as I shared and told the truth. I can blame this on a multitude of factors, but if I had a scale/balance of judgement I'd say I've remained 50/50 up until recently. A living, breathing, walking contradiction. Warm, creative and passionate- yet secretive, distant and calculating. Philanthropist by heart, but Warrior by nature- I thought I wanted to pursue a career as a Medical technician in the Canadian Armed Forces and become a Pharmacist working in Africa in the long run. I smile at the irony now.
What was Rock bottom for me?
The realization that I've hurt and manipulated the people who truly loved me in this life time.
That I've been hurting myself the most. Self sabotage. Martyrdom.
Wake up call:
It took 24 years to make the conscious decision for real change.
It took 24 years to admit I had been circling a downward spiral of passivity.
It took 24 years to realize the hypocrisy of my "spiritual awakening".
It took 24 years to realize all this dabbling in Esoteric knowledge was useless without practicality.
It took 24 years to begin to release all the anger and resentment I held against my parents.
It took 24 years to acknowledge my great lack of Self love.
It took 24 years to realize I was pursuing goals that were not my own.
It took 24 years to see how I was going against my own true nature in order to conform and fit in.
It took 24 years to understand that I cannot help another if I cannot help myself first.
Downfall Equation:
Failed relationships + abortion + alcoholism + excessive unhealthy eating habits + abuse of cannabis/psychedelics + unhealthy sexual relationships + self inflicted physical/mental punishments + isolation = Diagnoses of Cervical cancer + IBS + fear + hiding + distraction = got involved with cult-like groups + extreme denial of circumstances + extreme passivity = Diagnoses of Ulcerative Colitis.
It all adds up.
I plan on going into detail one day. For documentation's sake. For my own sake. For another's sake who can relate.
What I know for sure is that this "downfall" has been life's greatest blessing to me. I am stubborn. The universe knows this. What better way for true growth than to be flung from the bliss of ignorance onto this earthly plane of reality?
As one fully embodying the sensuality of the archetypal Taurus, my body must be my temple. I see my physical vessel as the densest part of my soul, so why should I try to escape and transcend it when it is the greatest tool/experience to learn from and explore with in this existence?
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What I also know for sure is that there is no such thing as coincidence in this life but there is synchronicity. Harmonic convergence. Synergy. Coexistence. A Calling. A Destiny that awaits us all if we so choose to jump... To fall.... Before the crawl... Upwards to Ascension.