story of the day (some ugly truths of life?)

There’s this game called Blue Whale.

A couple months ago, it was all over the news. And has been credited with at least a dozen deaths in real life.

I played a game like this too.

Not a “real” game, but one on my head.

If I fail or get a lower grade than “X”, I’d kill myself.

I played it throughout high-school. It was torture. It induced an acute sense of anxiety and stress in me.

The only reason I’m alive is because I kept winning, every single time.

Except once.

Last August I saw a grade I didn’t like. One awful grade. I’d missed the cutoff margin for that by just one point.

One point.

So my severely depressed, horrifically insecure mind told me that I needed to die.

It took EVERY ounce of strength in every fibre of my body, to not die that night. To decide that, at 2 AM, it would be best to go to sleep in bed than go to sleep permanently on a noose.

I didn’t learn.

I made that challenge for myself in college acceptance season - if I didn’t get into at least one good college, I’d kill myself.

Then I did this again for college credits - if I don’t get the scores I need for college credit, I’d kill myself.

I won again, both times.