Love and confusion

LOVE AND CONFUSION

As I sat, I caressed his bare body as he laid on the hospital bed.
I leaned in and kissed his lips and cleaned off the dry patches lined on his face by tears.

"please open your eyes to the one you love. Just open it and see the one beside you. You promised me your love will never die and I could come back anytime and you'll always be there for me "

I said with heaviness in my heart as cold sensations wrapped around me.

Did you choose to torture him because he said he'll wait?"

I heard my conscience ask and I blinked off the tears that were in my eyes.

His pulse and breath went faster and slowly he opened his eyes forcing to keep them open like one who was drunk.
He closed them again and gave a short smile and I knew that he'll not die now that he'd seen me.

I still loved him that I can't deny though we parted 11 months ago but why I left I thought he understood because when he finally accepted and let me go, he didn't grief anymore nor cry. He only acted so strong.

Each time I said I would wait for him to make some money and come and marry me , Mama would beat those busty chest and curse. She'd waited too long already and needed a grandchild before she died.

Her curses were the potential threats. I knew they were effective and powerful that's how I had to withdraw, leaving the one I loved to tears and misery.

I fell in love again to one as crazy as the former but he didn't have enough love as the former, to give. I really forced myself to stay

He called but I wouldn't pick,
He texted but I wouldn't reply, because I wanted him to get over me.

He saw my New lover and I but I never waved nor stop to greet because I wanted him to get over me.

He grieved all day and nights, his friends called to tell, I wouldn't call nor visit even once because I wanted him to get over me.

But even funny enough, what I wanted for him, I needed for myself too. I didn't get over him but I wanted a relationship that would get to the altar soon and make Mama proud.

And yes, I was optimistic, my new relationship was going somewhere. And I was intrigued when my new lover said I'd soon wear that white gown and say "Yes I Do

I forced myself to love again thinking it'll help me forget the former but that Love so strong, even my Promises haunted me all day and night. Pictures of my old lover filled my brain and it was all I could see.

While I wished that he'll get over me, he only wept and grieved, he skipped his meals a lot and was dying. I wanted him to get over me but he got into me the more but never had, saw or felt me anymore.

As I sat besides him, his beautiful face the same, I knew a greater love for him was right inside of me. And I'm caught in the middle of love. Whatever love was lost was rejuvenated as I watched him again and sat so close to him.

"Please don't leave me, my Love else I'll die" he said as he opened his eyes again and caressed the back of my palm with his thumb.

I knew he could die if I left him again because he's so vulnerable and emotional.. I mourn for a guy who's never loved and had me to be his first, but if he dies then I'll die.

But how about the latter. I hope he'll cope. How about the crystal white wedding gown, that also could wait. How about the wedding ring? The one I love more would get. And then for Mama, I pray she won't die of heart attack. Oh the world will say I killed my mother.

But if I go again, he'll die and I'll die and Mama would get shocked and Also die.

I'm lost in my thoughts as I look into his eyes, burning with Love.. I don't want to lie to him and I don't know what to say.

Please tell me, what would you do if you were in my shoes.

Thanks for reading.