Psychology: "Haters Gonna Hate" They Say, but Should We ACCEPT That?

"Haters Gonna Hate!" the saying goes.

We've probably all heard it, and the underlying implication is that people who don't like you will find reasons to dislike you, no matter how inane those reasons might be, or how much you actually agree with their perspective.

On the flipside, this often-seen cultural saying is also used as a sort of platitude to dismiss other people's really horrible, mean, and/or inappropriate behavior.

Which is all good and fine...

Sour grapes? Not exactly...

But Should We Really ACCEPT That?

The thing about dismissing hateful behavior and speech with a platitude — however well-meaning — is that it ultimately makes the statement that we are "helpless" in the face of such behavior.

That is to say, we engage in a sort of "mental shrugging" that conveys the message that this is simply how things ARE, rather than taking a stance that states "This is UN-acceptable behavior, and it needs to change!"

Of course, most people don't like conflict, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm as "conflict avoidant" as anyone.

That said, I was also one of those really weird people — back in the days of web message boards and forums, remember those? — who "talked to trolls."

Point being, that we often jump to the conclusion that forceful disagreement must be met with equal and opposite force... and that's often where our troubles begin. How so? When two people butt heads over a topic, the actual topic is soon enough forgotten, as the point of contention instead becomes a contest to see "who has bigger balls of steel."

In psychology, it is an old truism to "never argue with someone who's in their complex."

What Lies Hidden?

ARE We Helpless in the Face of Haters?

I suppose it's a bit of an ambiguous question.

I'm inclined to design my first line of questioning around ascertaining whether or not the opposing party is mentally ill. And I don't just mean "ooops, I guess Bob is off his meds again!"

This whole line of thought came up because this morning someone basically "went off" on Mrs. Denmarkguy on one of her Facebook posts, and aside from the initial annoyance, we had to pause and determine what the hell was actually going on.

The "combative party" was someone she'd known for a long time, a person who always had less than perfect social skills, a somewhat blunt demeanor and certain bigoted tendencies. He then won a somewhat substantial lottery prize (mid-six figures in US Dollars) and things actually got worse as he gradually became aware that his sudden wealth did not, in fact, suddenly make him popular and well-liked.

In short, he went from being pretty much an asshole, to being "an asshole with money." Which served to exacerbate his unpleasantness. Of course, it's a vicious circle... the guy is in pain because nobody likes him, as a result of which he lashes out more, as a result of which nobody likes him... still.

European Wagtail

When Inner and Outer Reality Don't Match Up

I think most us — at one time or another — have experienced painful times because our inner self-perceptions don't match the outer reality around us.

Often, these can be quite bitter pills to swallow.

Here's one of mine: I labored for years under the delusion that being "a good person" would somehow help me get ahead in life. Truth is, the vast majority of the world could give a hoot and holler whether you're "good," they just want you to be effective and give them what they want. "Good" is not a marketable commodity.

Most people have these schisms in one way or another, and unless we can reconcile them, we end up suffering in some way... whether it makes us the milquetoast doormat, or the insufferable rageaholic, or some other archetypal caricature.

Mrs. Denmarkguy's "friend" grew up in an environment where your value was measured by your income, wealth and what you had. He won the lottery and suddenly "had," and yet nothing much changed... and his inner and outer realities were in conflict. And so, he lashes out at any and everything that he perceives as even the most minute slight and/or reminder that things aren't the way he wants them to be.

The path we walk...

The Path to Self-Awareness can be Difficult and Scary

Getting back to whether or not we should accept that "haters gonna hate" pretty much leads me to "it depends."

How invested are we in a situation, and what damage is being done by not addressing it directly? Do we simply hit the "mute" button, or do we try to guide the perpetrator towards examining themselves?

As I said, I used to "talk to trolls."

Some were definitely so deeply embedded in their hatefulness that they seemed unreachable... but some merely wanted a forum in which to vent their frustrations unencumbered by the fear of judgment. A few were mentally ill, which is basically beyond my pay grade.

The old saying "The Truth shall set you free... but first it will piss you off!" definitely applies. And it's sometimes very difficult to be truthful with ourselves. Admitting that some of closely held parts of our self-perception are actually lies is both hurtful, and embarrassing, so we avoid looking there. We hide our fears behind the masks we wear. And sometimes it takes a real jolt to the system before we are shaken out of our "lies" and self-imposed pits of misery... someone will tell us the truth and stand by it, in ways we cannot deflect anymore.

Hence — at least from my perspective — it's preferable to work through such issues as a matter of self-improvement, rather than wait for the "Cosmic two-by-four" to whack us over the head.

On the flipside, we don't always have to accept that "haters gonna hate." Sometimes we get to be that "Cosmic two-by-four" that whacks someone's reality over the head... to end a cycle of destructive and toxic behavior.

Thanks for reading!

Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! What's YOUR experience with "difficult" people? Do you believe "haters gonna hate," no matter what? Or do we sometimes have to step in and become the "catalyst for change?" Have YOU had difficult "blind spots" to face and change? Was it difficult? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!

(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 190226 23:59 PST
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