Trump Guilty on All 34 Counts in Hush-Money Trial

The New York Times is reporting that former president and presumptive 2024 Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump has been convicted on all 34 felony counts of falsifying business records in a case stemming from a hush-money payment that silenced porn star, Stormy Daniels. Sentencing has been scheduled for July 11th.

Greetings, my fellow non-felons! Well, gee whiz - Trump has actually been found guilty. Frankly, I’m a little concerned this verdict may be setting a bad precedent - Donald Trump being the first actor from the film “Home Alone 2” to be convicted of 34 felonies. I shudder to think about the societal ramifications of something like that.

In response, the MAGA faithful are already calling for a massive “Boycott New York” campaign. Of course, if MAGAs do, in fact, go ahead with a boycott, one thing’s for sure - it’ll likely free up one helluva lot of those hard-to-get $500 tickets for Broadway shows. Everyone knows what dedicated “patrons of the arts” those MAGAs are.

So, it appears the “Party of Law and Order” will now be running a convicted felon for president. Hell, I suppose that means “Scott Peterson” would be the only logical choice for his running mate. After all, who would be a more fitting running mate for a twice impeached, convicted rapist who just received 34 more felony convictions? As for me - well, I’m already buying popcorn for the “shit show” that the Republican convention will become when a few “Never Trumpers” attempt to nominate someone else. Wouldn’t miss that for the world.

Hell, it just occurred to me that now Donald Trump is a convicted felon, and also a resident of the state of Florida, he cannot vote until he’s completed serving his entire sentence. Oddly, this means I may actually end up having something in common with him - that being there’s a pretty decent chance that neither one of us will be voting for Donald Trump this November.

What will be his sentence, you ask? Well, I’m hoping for something substantial, but honestly, I’d settle for Trump receiving the same prison sentence Michael Cohen got. I assume after he’d get released from jail, the first question Trump would ask his probation officer would be, “Do you guys have any ankle bracelets in a rose gold?”

Now, common sense would suggest that any candidate with so many felony convictions who really cared about anyone other than himself would have dropped out of the race for the sake of his party and the country. Of course, that isn’t gonna happen with a narcissistic sociopath like Donald Trump. On a positive note, now that all 12 jurors have unanimously voted to convict him, Trump can now legitimately claim for the first time - that he “won the popular vote.”