WHO AM I written by Hari krishnan Nair

WHO AM I……

                                                             About Author

Agni is my pen name and hails from the south part of India. I hold a MBA degree in Sales & Marketing. I am passionate about writing. Who drew me to writing is my father "Krishnan" who dreamed to be an author and I followed his footsteps to become an author. My manuscript is a piece of my soul and wanted to know the readers the man behind the words. I was inspired by myself to pursue writing as a career. Hoping for becoming a published Author Pen

AGNI

                                     Dedications

I dedicate this book to you, the reader and Colleagues. My request to fellow readers do not read this book as a story but read this fiction and meditate for few minutes reflecting on yourselves.

Prologue

                                                     WHO AM I……?

My personality and character are two important features that make me who I am. Although I may have some weaknesses in my character, I am basically the upbeat type. I try to be as happy as I can most of the time. Everyone cannot please each other but if everyone pleases themselves and are cheerful most of the time, I feel that it is a better start to put myself in life. I always use to feel that ‘WHO AM I’. But till now I have no answer in me. Is this a feeling or fear got hold on me? This feeling got more over to me on that day when my cousin’s father died due to illness. I was there in Mysore (INDIA) for attending the funeral. All people there were shedding tears. The ambience of the house made me like relatives crying loudly in dark. He was a fair skinned red head. His face on the right side was a blotchy red/maroon.. They'd recently bathed him his hair was still wet. He had a cream shirt. I always loved his curly hair I saw his younger son was running his fingers through his hair he might have felt stitches in his scalp. They'd already done his autopsy but you would never have known upon first glance. It was a worst situation to watch closely. I cannot exactly express the feeling of his youngest son but some where I felt he was deeply broken by his dad’s death. He was feeling sorry for his dad’s situation. When we took the dead body to the Van for proceeding towards the last rites. For the first time I’d touched his hands, He wasn't there, though. His body was very cold because it'd been refrigerated. I mesmerized in my mind that today you are moving back from the material world and tomorrow will be ours turn so go bravely we are behind you. Till the graveyard I was just thinking that one day everybody has to leave this material world then why we are struggling hard till that date. Questions started making waves in my mind Who Am I and for why I am here. This could just be an emotional thing that happens in the process of grief and not wanting to accept reality. During the funeral, some native cultures consider that the spirit of the dead person is there, I was feeling that his spirit might be watching from nearby to his body. As per our Hindu culture we burn the body.
We Hindus believe in the soul being indestructible; and that death symbolizes end of the existence of a person's physical being, but the start of a new journey for the Who am I.
This soul then reincarnates in some other life form, and passes through the same cycle of taking birth, growing and eventually meeting death- only to begin the cycle afresh.

Also, a traditional belief among Hindus says that a person's body is composed of 5 elements- earth, fire, water, air and sky the cremation ceremonies of Hindus are directed towards returning the body to these elements. The body is progressively returned to earth, air, sky and fire by burning it under skies; and the ashes are respectfully collected and poured in a holy river. It is said that excessive mourning over a deceased prevents the soul from being completely detached from its loved ones, and keeps it from undertaking its new journey- that of taking up a new life. I personally feel that we should not mourn on the deceased body this is a cycle and everybody has to go through this 360*. But my question again raised ‘Who Am I’ when was my last birth and what life I would have lived in my previous births. I always feel nobody is perfect in this world the good deeds which you do in this current world makes you perfect. We as human beings are filled up with ego, jealous, anger, desire etc. These are all rational powers if you don’t act on this powers then this power starts acting on you. One day everyone will die but they have to live up to that day. In death we all mostly prefer to die as a most famous man so that after the death whole world should mourn in your death that we should get a royal treatment for our deceased body. Should this really matter when you are dead? I hope we are all been represented by a name from our birth.

In Hindu culture we do have a naming ceremony when a child is born after the 11 post-natal days. Naming a baby is considered to be sacred and therefore is an important Hindu tradition. It involves the immediate families and also close relatives and friends. Traditionally known as namkaran this ceremony is conducted in an elaborate form on the 11th day after birth. The namakarma sanskar is usually held after first 11 nights of a baby's delivery. These 11 post-natal days are considered inauspicious and the mother and child are considered to be unclean. Traditionally Speaking mother and child are separated from the rest of the family during these 10 days where no one except a helper is allowed to touch the baby or the mother.
All festivals and events in the family therefore is postponed by 11 nights. After those 11 nights, the house is cleaned and sanctified for the ceremony. The mother and child are bathed traditionally and are prepared for the ceremony.

This is most likely to avoid infecting baby or mother and allowing mother some time to recover after delivery. Relatives and close friends are invited to be a part of this occasion and bless the child. Priests are called and an elaborate ritual takes place. The people involved in the baby naming ceremony are the parents of the newborn, the paternal and maternal grandparents and few close relatives and friends.

The child is dressed in new clothes and the mother wets the head of the baby with drops of water as a symbol of purifying the child. In some communities, the baby is then handed over to the paternal grandmother or the father who sits near the priest during the ritual. Where the paternal aunt names the child, she whispers to the new born his or her name in the ear and then announces it to the relative’s family and friends. In some Communities or families, the sacred fire is lighted and the priest chants sacred hymns to invoke the Gods in the heaven to bless the child. Now my question here is for whom we are naming the name. Is it for the material body of the new born or the energy which is flowing through that body? If it is for the material body then when we are dead why people represents our deceased body as a dead body rather representing as the name given on my birth (Naming Ceremony) So it is very clear the Tag which you carries as name will remain until your energy is flowing, when it stops the name also get vanish. Till that period you pride of carrying a name TAG on your shoulders is finished when you reach up to the day of death. So it is very clear you live here for one day and you die here for one day. So the name does not really matter. But your name will be remembered only on good deeds which you had done before leaving this material world. I hope it all depends upon the deeds which you do in your current cycle. I need to share with a small story and the day I felt it is important to have our own piece of land. I had a friend who use to be one of the closest friend which I had in my life. He was the one person whom I can trust. He would always be there to provide a listening ear whenever I needed one, no matter how busy he was or what he was occupied with. Whether I was down, angry, happy or restless, he would be there to listen. We would talk on the phone almost every day.

He would stay up through the night and sacrifice his sleep so we could talk. Our conversations covered just about everything, from daily events, life, personal introspection, hobbies, our families, friends, relationships, my school, his work, etc. Deep down I always felt to be blessed to have a friend like him.
Over few years we stayed connected but drifted apart as I got the employment abroad and moved ahead. I used to call him on the weekends and discuss about life in Dubai. He was keen on listening my activities over there. As he was the best friend, I was personally invested in his life. I always felt that he was seriously living below his potential. Life seemed like he was stuck in a rut in his life. For example, he kept working in jobs which underutilized his capabilities.

In fact used to motivate him by saying do something from which you can explore your talents. As my contract got finished and moved for a vacation to home town. I was really happy to be in my country after two long years. I met my old friend and chatted for so long. It was happy to know that he was getting settled in his life and was planning to buy own house. I felt that he is becoming more serious and responsible towards life. I appreciated him for the thoughts. Throughout the discussion I came to know he was doing his own business with small capital. He was into share broking at first, I feared and asked him is this business risk oriented, he claimed boss without risk you cannot live a life which you have dreamed off. It sounded to me like a confident word. A week later we met again he was full of tensed and seemed to be not in the state of mind whatever I was telling to him he was not that attentive to my words. I felt that he is pretending to be attentive meanwhile stopped my conversation and asked him what is your real problem he said nothing but I lost my entire money in shares as market has gone down. I am in a huge loss don’t know how to repay debts to friends and banks which I have built up from earlier stage of my business. I have invested all the money into shares and the market is drastically down I have no room to survive. I asked him whether I can help him a bit but he refused by saying that it cannot be filled with your small amount. The loss is huge any way thanks for the support. From an overall life standpoint, he was floating from day to day, without living life to the fullest.
The very next day we had an extended conversation where I motivated him by some positive words but I know he was just listening my words. But his mind was traveling into a different world. We parted that day but not in a very positive node but still he seemed to be bit relaxed. In morning as usual I woke up by 6.am. Was watching from my balcony there I saw a huge crowd standing in front of my friend’s house. I was quite surprised and fear got me. I stepped out of my house and headed towards my friend’s house which is next to our compound. My heart was beating like a hammer when I saw lot of people standing outside gazed to his house. I got totally black out when I saw my friend on the floor with a pool of blood clotted around.
His mother yelled and shouted at me and said he committed suicide yesterday night and their cries inflamed my heart still more.

For an instance I was knowing how to react on it whether to cry loudly or scold him. I was feeling angry over him but controlled myself and kept in state of mind that he is dead. Suddenly ambulance arrived we took him to the hospital for the autopsy while driving him to hospital I just pinched him slowly as I could not resist my anger that why he committed suicide. By seeing his pale face I was feeling that there was something he needs to tell me but he cannot.
After finishing the hospital formalities we started our next journey towards his house as we were nearing to his house I found the crowd got doubled saw somebody screaming out to stop the vehicle in front of the compound and don’t allow that dead body inside the house. I was wondering who it is, in the crowd I was unable to recognize his voice as his face was not clear. As our vehicle entered to the compound I saw my friend’s mother and sisters screaming loudly. Then I saw him… He was screaming and limping towards the ambulance by saying don’t allow the deceased body into the house. His face black, eyes red anger or conflict, it indicated discomfort, we then steeped out from the ambulance and placed the dead body in front of his house it was not allowed to be taken inside by the owner. Some of the elderly persons tried to convince to take the deceased body inside but he refused by saying that if I allow this dead body inside in future I will not be getting any tenants . So I don’t want to lose my income. He was very much stubborn on that matter showing that he really doesn't care about these matters.
He was insisting us to do the last rituals in front of the gate and take him to the last journey. That was the day when I felt that a piece of land is more important I felt guilty of not having my own house otherwise would have taken my best friends dead body to my house.

I was also living in a rented apartment, When I was about to say him that Sir you are wrong but suddenly my eyes got struck to my friends deceased body and felt that his soul was standing beside me and trying to say that for god sake don’t fight with him as my mother and sisters are staying there. How much pain will be there to my friend’s soul as he used to live in this house for nearly 15 years? I remember whenever I visited him he sits in his arm chair which is placed in the hall. The house which was like a friend for him became enemy when he was dead. There was nearly more than fifty people standing around no body dared to support my friends family who were pleading with the apartment owner to get their son dead body into the house. Losing a friend is never going to be easy. Keeping your own sense of calm and maintaining your friend’s memory are important elements of the grieving process.

Accept that is going to be very hard time in your life but be re assured by the reality that you will get through this and the best way to honor your friend is to retain his memory always alive in your heart. Believe it or not it was a pain full loss and shame which I felt on that day where I was helpless figure standing beside my friends deceased body. The apartment owner was acting like a fool who does not even know everyone has to die one day. Today might be my friend but tomorrow he will be in this situation. It’s where I experience the most anxiety and emotional pain of my day.
Do we really value human beings or only it is valued until you have the energy flowing through your material body and when it stops all values goes topsy-turvy. Do remember that it is pain that must simply be endured, like a broken arm –there are things you can do to alleviate it for a little while, but it will eventually hurt again until it fully heals. Really! My friends think what a life we all are living today do this really making a change in our life. We confirms that technology has grown but my question to fellow readers where have we grown. Have we grown from our heart by changing our mentality? But the reality is that NO NO NO…….we are the same conservative type of community who just live our life for the sake of someone..

We never think from our own we just depends on others suggestions perceptions etc. Dependability is the major root cause of our lives. Comparing with others is also another issue this comparison actually starts from our childhood itself. When we were kids our mothers starts comparing with other kids. When we are grown up in schools and colleges again she compares us with other lads who use to be the toppers. They never use to try and get into our shoes and think what exactly our needs is and what capability we have. This comparison is a friend of yours whom you travel throughout your life. If you get married then wives start comparing you with others husbands, what to say even when you become a father your wonderful kids starts comparing with their friends father. ‘Who Am I’ then? A good son!! A good husband!! Or good father!! Or good brother!! WHO AM I for what I am there in this world. What things do I need to achieve in this life cycle. A mixture of emotions good and bad does this makes a life or what exactly is the meaning of life. When life cycle finishes everybody needs to move on. But to where there is no answer for that. Being down or depressed comes with everyone's character at some point. When I come across this point in life, it is one of my weak situations. When something happens that hurts my feelings or makes me angry, the outcome is always sadness. I let my emotions out but crying or keeping quiet to myself. Depending on what the situation, the cause of my anger and hurt stays on my mind for a long period of time.
Also, if somebody puts me down with comments or actions, I try to ignore it but inside I know I am better than words or actions and I prove it by letting things go. In some opinions it is a factor of jealousy so the result is usually anger. I most definitely resemble my character in these ways. I request readers to think for ten minutes from the bottom of your heart and check ‘WHO AM I” it is really a great feeling to find the answer inside you. You are the one who knows about yourself nobody else has the right to decide with your deeds.

Not even you father, mother, sisters wife, or children know about you fully because you are the one who knows about yourselves..
My personality is average personality. Kind or unkind when I need and want to be. Unless someone really is on my bad side, I have respect for them and will always treat them exactly how I expect to be treated. Otherwise, do not talk about me and play childish games. I come with my personality so if you like how I act you'll love being around me.
My friends usually consider my goofy outgoing one. I am unique as well. I am not really a hard person to please and I do not feel embarrassed much. I am assuming that is the reason they say I'm outgoing? I am not the type of person to judge. Everyone he or she has there their own opinions and styles and should express them freely. Together personality and character are important to notice in a person. Hope will continue to write more about my experience and thoughts….. Please start living for the fullest and make accountable each day.
An introduction into who I am as an individual with mixture of emotions and feelings is a hard one to make. My life is full of meaningful relationships and memories. What I choose to write about today is my aspects of life as a Son, Brother, Husband, Father and Friend. That makes me exactly ‘WHO AM I’

AGNi