Autumn Reflections

I love autumn! Wise, quiet, nostalgic… With the rustling of dry leaves and the chirping of birds. With the iridescent colors… and the aroma of roasted peppers… With chestnuts falling to the ground… Autumn is mysterious, colorful, unpredictable… I love it, but I have always perceived it as a time for reflection. A time for reflection and change… A time to look into your heart… Sometimes I think, what am I doing with my life? Where am I going and do I want to get where I set out for? And maybe it is better to stop in one place at least for a moment… I feel weightless… I feel lost… Unnecessary to anyone… Maybe it is time to look around me… And within myself, to see how bright my soul is… To swallow doubts and reach out… Like everyone else, I carry scars in my soul. Memories of wounds that hurt and I closed my heart, telling myself that this would never happen again, that I would never trust again… just to stop the pain from invading my life again… Every wound made me stronger… Every scar is proof that I survived… And yet… Did I manage to preserve myself? Or did I break down little by little? Somehow I feel unhappy, even in happiness… Insecure… Chained by the chains of the past… The thought that I can be loved fills me with doubts… And I can love with all my heart… I love until it hurts… until I go crazy… with a passion that destroys me with its power… But I know how to hide myself so that no one sees how easily I can be hurt… I have always been a little strange and unpredictable, hesitant and fickle… It's as if different personalities live inside me that don't depend on each other… Each with their own life, their own thoughts and feelings, their own understandings and desires… There is no balance between them… That's why I am in constant search of something… But what? Myself? Sometimes I'm angry at what I am... I really don't know what I want... Many people would envy me for what I am and what I have... But I'm torn into pieces that don't want to stick together... My head is full of stupid questions and thoughts that don't give me peace, and in a moment I can feel as if they never existed... I let the past out to give free rein to feelings... To feel that I breathe and live...