My Solitude

I have feelings and emotions, but I don't know where to put them, so I kept them inside for a long time. And now I don't know how to express myself, when to express myself, and where to express myself. Now I just pull myself together. I have been like this since childhood. The youngest who was afraid of people and crowds. The one who holds his mother's scarf in a crowded place, the one who is afraid of the dark and needs his mother when it's time for bed and a little light or a torch is on until he can sleep. Not the one whose childhood was simple and happy. I definitely didn't face any problems, but from childhood, I guess I think too much, I get scared easily. The worst part of being scared is still that if I am afraid of anything, emotions get worse at night, and I still get scared of the dark. Strange.

I never learned to express myself. Always be calm and sufficient. I was shy. No confidence. And I still remember my father used to say that you should participate in speeches and extra-curricular activities in schools and colleges. About extra-curricular activities, they include sports, drama and other things which actually require a whole day. So, I mostly skipped my school that day. And about speeches, I did more English speeches in my college. But it didn't build my confidence. I only need to practice my speech for three days and give it to an audience who is not interested in it. But the problem is that what I said in my speeches were paper words, not my words. I can't say my own words. Still.
When I was in high school, I thought that when I'll in my college, I'll have no friends. And I'll have the straight attitude of Thomas Shelby from the Peaky Blinders series. So, in my college, I had no friends initially but no attitude. Yes, still.

But after that I got friends but only two of them are with me currently. Blessings.
I don't know how to make friends, I don't even know how to talk to others. I'm really bad at it, can't break the ice.
But, now, in my university, I have many friends. I sometimes wonder how I have so many good friends. I literally enjoy being with them. They are all so sweet and kind to each other. Most of the time, when I think about it, I literally get emotional. One of them is @zainabb, cute, passionate, and charming.
One thing to admit is that they talk to me first. Yes, I'm still the same as before. I haven't changed.
Sometimes, I think it's okay. I'm happy with myself. I don't react, I do things that are perfectly good for my peace of mind. Now I'm paradoxical. And I'm happy with that.