#SharkSchool Lesson 2: Develop A Taste For Other People's Blood
Not gonna lie, every time I publish a post I am legit scared to read the comments.
The past few weeks I've been so scared that I would force myself to wait a full 24 hours before reading any of the comments. I figured that if there were any negative ones, I'd be able to read them all in one sitting instead of compulsively checking my post to see if anyone else had come to tell me why I was an idiot.
How to weaponize your autism
Take yesterday's post for example - I'm not happy with it. I mean come on, I made such a fucking big deal about this #sharkschool thing that I expected the first post to come crashing out the gate. And what happened?
70 comments and 600 reads. Pathetic.
Might sound like a lot for some of you, but I'm used to getting 2-3k reads and at least 200 comments. That's just the level I'm on right now. So for one of my posts to get less than 1/3 of the normal exposure is very, very bad. Granted, I didn't wait the full 24 hours to check the stats, but still. No bueno.
ESPECIALLY considering this was the first #sharkschool post! I wonder how many people are going to read the intro in the future, get all hyped up and then read that boring piece of shit and just be like, "fuck this shit."
I thought I would do something different.
Yeah, I could have just come out and said: "here's how you find your voice as a writer: 1) play text-based role playing games, 2) keep a diary for 10 years, and 3) write about all the fucked up shit that happens to you with no filter."
Great. The article would have been 20 words long. What good does that do anyone?
So I got creative. I thought I would tell a story about my history as a writer and pepper the piece with embedded commands. But I think people were just used to my old material where I call everyone stupid and say fuck a lot.
Henry Ford didn't give us faster horses
And that's understandable. One of the most famous therapists ever, Milton Erickson, had an unbelievable track record of curing whatever psychological problems his patients brought to him. They'd complain that his sessions were boring, but miraculously they'd see their conditions disappear virtually overnight, even when no other therapist had been able to help them.
Whatever. That's really the least of my concerns. I still made money on the post. I still gained followers. I'm still at the top of the Trending page. Plus I got to tell you a little story about myself to make it seem like I'm actually a normal person and not just a caricature.
The REAL problem with that post is that there was no controversy. I didn't state an opinion nor did I take a stand for anything. I didn't take any risks. Or rather, I didn't take the RIGHT risk.
While I'm not crazy about the idea of writing about how I used to do a bunch of drugs, I thought it would be somewhat entertaining. Drugs, sex, and violence - people like reading about that shit because nobody talks about it in the real world. It's pushed under the carpet because it makes us feel bad. But entertainment for entertainment's sake is not enough. You need controversy in order to elicit an emotional response.
While it was a risk for me to expose my past, it's essentially the moral equivalent of some chick admitting that she used be anorexic. Good for you, nobody fucking cares.
I went to bed last night and legit DREAMED about checking the comments on my post. I was nervous that they would be bad and my fragile ego would take a beating.
Looking back, it seems unrealistic that someone would leave a negative comment after I admitted to being in a bad place for many years. Unless you're on 4chan, people generally won't kick you when you're down. But if you are brave enough to pound your chest and roar, the reaction is quite different.
Harambe is inside all of us
I've tried to make most of my previous non-crypto posts as barbaric as possible. I lash out at Steemit, lazy content creators and people who are too scared/poor/unmotivated to promote their content with real money. I talk a ton of shit while implying that I am superior in nearly every way.
I basically say, "You're shit. I'm great. Go fuck yourselves." And not only that, I throw it in your face with 2500 word articles and then brag about spending big money to get them to the top of the Trending page.
How could you not have an opinion about a guy like that?
Not only do people disagree with it, but when you read the words, "I'm better than you, so go fuck yourselves," you probably feel certain emotions rising inside you. Maybe some anger. Maybe your adrenaline starts pumping. Without even thinking about it, maybe you start thinking of reasons why it's not true.
Or maybe it makes you laugh. Maybe you secretly agree with me. Maybe you think I'm just what the doctor ordered and are thirsty for a second helping of the Super Fresh @YallaPapi Kool Aid. Maybe you think to yourself, "yeah, this guy is on point. Can't believe he has the balls to put it all out there without a drop of sugar."
The point I'm trying to make is that regardless of whether or not you agree with what I say, you have an opinion on it. When you state an opinion instead of a fact, you force people to either agree or disagree. That's why I fucking hate how 99% of all articles are predictable to the point where they have conditioned people to rarely do more than read the headline before skimming the post for the main points.
INCOMING RANT DETECTED
Sorry fuckers, if you want to get anything out of this "course" you're going to have to read what I'm writing. If you want Top Ten lists there are plenty of them out there. You don't need my help to find them. Do you know why?
Because if I make it easy for you by giving you bland, inane tips that already exist on the internet on millions of blogs, then what am I really giving you? You're just going to skim through and look for some bolded text so you can go back to jerking it to tentacle hentai.
Fuck that. I don't spend hours writing this just for 100 SBD. If I could magically get my post to the top of Trending without spending/making any money, I'd still do it every day. I'm here because I want people to read what the fuck I'm writing, not to make fake internet money that I can only use in 13 weeks.
But you, my sweet little circle-jerker, why are you here? You want to make 10 SBD per day so you can move to a country with drinkable tap water? Sorry, you're reading the wrong blog. Plenty of better places out there to learn how to make money and MUCH more efficient ways to do it than trying to join in the circle-jerk.
Or better yet, why don't you close your fucking web browser and start working on something productive that will actually earn you some money?
END RANT
I try to make my articles polarize people and force them to take a side. Some of them don't even bother finishing the post before heading to the comment section to tell me why I'm wrong, an asshole, or both. For instance, the previous few paragraphs may have triggered some of you.
Why isn't he giving us the answer? REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Bruh... it's simple. You want to write like me? Read my fucking posts and use the same words I do. Just copy me. Here, I'll make it easy for you:
How To Write Like @YallaPapi For Dummies
Make a clickbait title that may or may not have anything to do with the post
Use an image at the top of the post
Add links every few paragraphs
Make jokes (hope you're funny)
Write like you talk (sorry non native-English speakers)
Use 2-4 sentences per paragraph
Write at least 1500 words per post, preferably 2500
Be "edgy" and use profanity (please kill yourself)
Call someone/something stupid
Be intelligent (probably hard for most of you)
Spend lots of money on upvotes (oh wait you're broke. Nevermind)
There. Do you get it now?
No, not how to write like me. I know you already get that.
I'm talking about the motherfucking RAGE bubbling inside you, brother. Do you get THAT? Did you get mad just now because you were expecting me to actually give you specific advice in a traditional format? Are you disappointed? Do you want your five minutes back?
No? Then you must be on the other side. Maybe I got a chuckle out of you. Maybe you felt a burst of encouragement with the knowledge that someone out there agrees with things you've never verbalized.
Good. Now you are feeling something. THAT is your goal as a writer. That is what will get you known on and off Steemit. Not pictures of your fucking stupid ass dinner - unless you're a girl and are eating it naked - a strategy I fully endorse, by the way.
Once you learn to elicit an emotional response from your readers, the trick is to do it in a way where it is at least PLAUSIBLE that you believe what you're saying - not just doing it to get a reaction out of people.
I love compliments, but if all I see in the comment section is variations of, "Great post! Hope to see more," then in my eyes the article is a failure. That's why the Trending page is trash. That's why the circle-jerk is the REAL death knell of this site. Because without controversy you have nothing.
My last article had none of that. The worst thing that people said about it was that it was too long, or boring, or that I should have just gotten to the point instead of talking about myself. Well guess what motherfucker, it's my SBD that I'm spending so I'm going to say whatever the fuck I want and there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it.
Top Ten Reasons You Should Stop Reading This And Go Do Something Productive
The sad truth is that this problem is not unique to Steemit. It's everywhere.
If there's one thing I hate about the Current State Of Internet Articles is the fact that everything is dominated by 300 word Buzzfeed-esque SEO-optimized listicles with clickbait headlines and shallow content.
Shit, maybe my last article would have blown up. You'll never know if you don't try. That's how I started writing these rage articles in the first place.
I used to only write about crypto on here because I was trying to promote myself as a marketer for blockchain startups. So I basically rewrote a bunch of news articles and showed them to clients. It was a chore to write them and I derived virtually no pleasure in doing it. I'd be surprised if anyone actually read them.
Then one day I was like fuck it, I'm just going to write whatever I want.
I had been using the upvote bots to promote my content and was turning a profit. I figured that as long as I was making money it didn't matter if one or two of the articles was just me freestyling.
One thing lead to another and before you know it I'm going berserk on those poor, average souls who were just following the advice they read in those goddamn motherfucking piece of shit garbage trash LISTICLES that are fucking everywhere. Thank god I let the bloodlust take over because look at me now motherfucker - sitting pretty with fresh fake internet money in my fake bank account and sporting my very own Discord channel.
You are allowed to write an article that seems like it has nothing to do with the headline. In fact, it's probably better if you do so you don't get morons trying to skim your posts for a soundbyte they can paste into their "Great Post!" $0.01 comment.
You are allowed to teach a lesson without saying what the lesson is because your readers are still likely to learn even if the method is not explicitly stated.
I got me a wooden spoon
Take this article for example. What the fuck am I even talking about in here? How the fuck is this supposed to be Lesson 2? It's even worse than the first one.
Is it because I don't have any ideas? Sweetie pie I could crank out listicles from here to the moon if I wanted. But that's boring as fuck. I've got my clickbait title and enough uncertainty in these 2300 words for you to keep reading while you think, "when is he going to get to the fucking point?"
What you don't realize is that I already have, even if you don't consciously understand what the messages are. The next time you write, whenever that is, you'll notice that you will write differently. Or maybe you won't even notice.
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Recommended reading for #sharkschool:
Introducing #SharkSchool - How To Take Over The Trending Page By Being A Bloodthirsty Savage
#SharkSchool Lesson 1: How To Find Your Voice As A Writer
Mmmm Yeah Baby, Put It In My Reward Pool
How To Stop Being Such A Loser
Why Everything You Know About Investing In Crypto Is Wrong
Why Steemit Is A Giant Circle-Jerk And How To Make It Work In Your Favor
How To Get To The Trending Page On Steemit Even If You're An Autistic, Paint Chip-Eating Bork Like Me
How To Use Steemit To Trick People Into Reading Your Poorly-Written Garbage
How To Make $10k A Month The Old Fashioned Way
How To Make More Money Than You've Ever Made In Your Life
How To Grow Your Personal Instagram Page To 5 Billion Followers
Watching This Video Will Make You Want To Move To Thailand (And Not For The Hot Estonian Chick, Either)
All I Want Is A Billion Dollars, A Rock-Solid Six Pack, And To Smash A Different Hard-Bodied Fitness Model Every Night - Is That Too Much To Ask?
How To Be Successful In Just 100 Hours A Week
Discipline, Fearlessness, And Other Lies Sold To You By Clever Marketers
Why Creative Work Is Its Own Reward And How To Get Better At The Things You Hate
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Then resteem that shit before I come to your house and fuck your sister.