Being tired because of love for... stuff

I feel bloated today. And not physically, but mentally. I had the best sleep tonight, I hadn't slept like that in months. And today I am realizing how exhausted I have been. I did not even want to switch on my computer, mind you, I only need to push a button on my monitor, because the machine itself is always on, mining.

Yesterday was an amazing day, I met some people and I played some board games. I had convinced myself that I do not need humans around me at the moment, but my mind is saying something different now, I may be a little lonely. I feel empty today, I feel hangover and I did't even have any alcohol yesterday. I feel like I could go back in my bed and sleep, forever.

It is funny how we think we know ourselves, but we have no idea. Something new, something different happens, we are thrown out of our comfort zone, our routine, and there is life in front of us, life we often do not know what to do with. I have known for weeks that I was tired, but I had no idea that I was exhausted. The dreams I take from my mind and put on paper do drain me, even though I adore writing them.

Even something you love can be tiring if you do not take care of yourself. I have been writing like mad and I love it, at least part of me loves it, the other one is asking for a break. But I can not stop, I spend hours on putting my thoughts on paper and I am so proud of what I create even though I know there is room for improvement. I know I am not a perfect writer or very patient for that matter.

Finally I am actually making a diary of sorts, that helps me remember my dreams, because they only stay in my memory until the day after I dream them, later they just fade into oblivion and I loose a perfectly good story. I have only been so motivated once in my life before. When I was fourteen and my story blog (the one I wrote Latvian in) had a lot of readers. Today, there are people that appreciate what I create and it is the greatest feeling, because I know I am not alone in my world.

I have always been independent, I was raised that way, I moved out from my moms when I was 18 even though I had lived separately from her and my brother before. With ''moved out'' I mean that I did not take any money from my mom anymore and lived in my own apartment, I got on my own two feet. And I hit the wall that is life. I realized I did not like how the world works, I realized that I can just not have a nine-to-five job, because it would kill me.

There are people that love what they do, even in an usual 9-to-5 sense, but most do no, and even they don't, they never escape it. I wasn't going to let that happen, to get caught in the trap, but I did not know how to fight it either. The only thing I did know was that I could not get stuck in something that would slowly extinguish me. So I moved around, through different countries.

I did not know yet of a way, I did not know anything but a job as a potential income generator. So I worked. And when I felt like it was too much, I moved and found something else. Everything is survivable in small quantities and so I literary started running from my problems and for a short while it would be okay. I had no idea of what to do to get out of my race, but I was not going to get sucked in it. This was not such a long time ago.

I have found a different way, I have been walking it for almost half a year now(which is not much). It is not easy, but it is so much better than the alternative. I knew in the beginning that it would be hard and that I might not succeed, but that is what gave me the strength to push and I am still doing just that. I am not richer than I was 6 months ago, heck, I do not have any cash, my boyfriend is literary taking care of the expenses we have, just like I did when we just met. And even though I did the same for him a while ago, it sill bothers me. But I am trying, and for the first time in my life I do not feel helpless, I feel like there is a way for me.

And I can not stop to take a breath right now, because it has always been important for me to be able to take care of myself, to be able to pay for myself. I do not want to be taken care of to extent that I will be like a headless chicken if I am suddenly alone, I want to be able to support myself. I know, a struggle most of us face and each of us has to deal with. So I am pushing my minds limits, because it is my greatest asset and it is the strongest part of my body.

We have been living in a family house for the last year, but soon there will come a time we will need to step on our own feet once again, and that is the time that I have set my goal upon. I do not want my partner to have to pay for our new home on his own, I do not want to have to rely on being fed. So I am pushing me, I am looking for new ways that would leave me time to do what I love, write. There is fiverr and upwork (platforms to offer your creative services on). If you feel like you have something to offer those could be potential options. I have a little BTC I have been holding since this years spring, and I have a plan for it. I mine other coins just to buy some extra time. I am doing everything I can to have more time for working on my reality.

My priority is this and things like steemit, places that let me express myself, that give me the opportunity to pour my soul out.

For the future I would love to be able to purchase properties and rent them out, It would generate some passive income that is necessary and would make my life somewhat stable. There will always be a value of exchange for things, be it bitcoin or euros, and people will always need homes to live in. And if... No. When I reach that goal, when I will have the means to take care of myself, I will work towards making this world a better place for kids, for OUR future (insert communism joke here). I am already doing the small things I can, you may have noticed the charity I write for, but I feel like I should do more. And one day, I will.

Have the best day, week and life,
Linda