My Mind is Broken and I Don’t Know How to Fix it

I’ve met some really nice people here on Steemit and their friendships are important to me.
So, maybe some of you will read this and understand me a bit better.

If you have seen some of my posts before, you may have noticed that I don’t talk much about myself or talk much in discord.
Or maybe you’ve seen one of my open mic videos and wondered why I sound like a terrified, tiny mouse when I’m talking.
Well, there is a reason for this and I call it the crazies.
My doctors call it agitated depression, social anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and a mild case of OCD.

I have irrational feelings that others hate me.
This causes me to withdraw and avoid other people.
These feelings are likely just a projection of me hating myself.
I spend all my time either working, sleeping, or worrying.
The idea of leaving the house even to just go to the store fills me with panic.
I live in a constant state of fear. Mostly fear of dying.
I feel alone, even though I am surrounded by those who love and care for me.
I’m exhausted all the time.
I sleep a lot, too much actually.
In any situation, I imagine the worst case scenario.
Prime example: I got bit by a mosquito last night and was immediately sure that I had contracted the West Nile Virus.
I live in a constant state of anxiety, fear, and worry which in turn causes me to feel depressed.
I used to think that I just had depression, but the culprit for me is really the anxiety and panic disorder which in turn leads to depression.

Anxiety and Panic Disorder

When you are in a threatening situation your fight or flight mode kicks in and adrenaline rushes through your body to help you either fight or flee.

As these stress hormones travel throughout the blood stream, they cause the fear center of the brain, the Amygdala, to become dominant while causing all other non-emergency functions of the brain to become suppressed.
This causes psychological and physiological changes due to the maximization of these emergency functions and the suppression of these non-emergency centers of the brain like communication and rational thinking.

A panic attack is when there is no external threatening situation, yet your fight or flight mode kicks in and adrenaline rushes through your body.
There is nothing to fight and nothing to flee from so the adrenaline is rushing through and horrible symptoms occur because it isn't being used by fighting or fleeing.

The symptoms of a panic attack vary from person to person but common symptoms include:

•   Heart palpitations or increased heart rate
•   Chest pains and  feeling like you might be having a heart attack
•   Feeling dizzy like you may faint
•   A tingling sensation in your extremities or mouth
•   Feeling a sense of terror or doom
•   Feeling like you are about to die
•   Flu-like symptoms of chills and sweat
•   Difficulty breathing or hyperventilating
•   Feeling a loss of control

If you are trying to escape something that is externally threatening you, you would then feel release and relief when the threat was finally gone.
But when you have a panic attack, there is no escape.
The thing that is threatening you is yourself.

I’ve experienced a lot of physical and emotional pain during my lifetime and I have never experienced a worse feeling than not being able to escape myself during these times.
It causes me to not want to exist.

Another symptom of constant heightened anxiety is depersonalization which is a feeling of being detached from reality.
It can feel like you are observing yourself from outside of your body.
It can make you feel like you are going crazy.

Depersonalization can occur when the body is in a constant state of stress and anxiety. The suppression of all non-emergency functions of the brain causes the brain to not communicate effectively.
Rationalization, communication, and emotional responses are suppressed during times of heightened stress causing a disconnect as to how we perceive, feel, and process information.

So, Why Am I Like This?

I was lucky enough to be blessed with both sides of my family experiencing some form of mental illness.
Most days it’s a struggle to just exist.
This is a particularly bad day, that’s why I’m writing this.
I also recently experienced, yet again, criticism of my medical condition from a few people that I know and I would like to do my part to spread some awareness.

Some people who don’t suffer from anxiety disorder, depression, or have any loved ones who are suffering don’t understand it.
Having a diagnosis of anxiety or depression is not just simply feeling stressed or sad. Everybody feels those things, it’s natural.

Experiencing true depression can mean not wanting to wake up, staying in bed all day, not wanting to eat, not wanting to shower, and a multitude of horrible things with the worst case scenario being wanting to die and/or actually committing suicide.

Experiencing true anxiety disorder means having constant panic attacks, constant feelings of depersonalization so that you can not function or communicate with others, physical wear and tear on your body from constant stress hormones, OCD, agoraphobia, and a multitude of other traumatic symptoms.

The stigma for those suffering from true depression and anxiety is real and horrible.
Sometimes depression and anxiety can be caused by external life tragedies, PTSD, or even recovering from substance abuse.
Sometimes these people need medication and sometimes they can eventually heal where they don’t need medication anymore.
Others are actually experiencing chemical imbalances in the brain.
These people need medication in order to function and/or survive.
Also, some people have mild cases, while others have it more severe.

When I was 16, a light switch went out in my brain.
Prior to that I was a happy and rather bubbly person.
Since that unfortunate change within me, I have spent my entire adult life on and off medications, trying different therapies, and experiencing the stigma of depression and anxiety.

I’ve been criticized and judged for my medical condition by society and people who know me for years:

• You don’t need that medication
• Those pills are horrible for you
• You need to be strong
• Stop being so negative
• Anyone who needs to take pills is weak
• Cheer up!
• Relax!
• You should be grateful that you’re alive
• Other people have it much worse than you
• Be positive!
• You just need some sunshine and yoga

It is heartbreaking that people don’t understand and comments like these make it even worse.
I’ve gone against my doctor’s advice several times and weaned off my medication only to be met with disastrous and sometimes life threatening results.

If someone was diagnosed with Schizophrenia we wouldn’t berate them for being on medication.
If someone had a heart condition we wouldn’t tell them that they didn’t need their medication.
Let us not cause people to feel ashamed for their medical condition just because it involves the brain.
Let us instead show respect, empathy, and understanding for those who are suffering from depression and anxiety.

Thank You