I've never had any desire to take drugs to manage my issues with anxiety attacks. I've always prided myself on being intelligent and self-aware enough that I can realize when I'm having an anxiety attack and why. I self-treat my anxiety by retreating to my bedroom where I can be alone and I can find peace within my own head. This method has always treated me well until recent years. My elderly mothers mental and physical health is declining and a source of constant anxiety I can't rationalize my way out of. Constantly suffering from anxiety, I finally broke down and bought both hemp oil and CBD oil for anxiety to see it they could help.

I probably should explain the source of my anxiety...

My mom has narcissistic personality disorder and is showing signs of having dementia from old age. She's basically nuts to be around but she's old and my siblings and I all do our own tasks to care for her in her last years of life. I manage her bills, one sibling lives with her, and the other takes her to doctors appointments and manages her medicines.

This past year I realized my mother is an extreme narcissist. A narcissist is a person who lacks the ability to feel empathy towards others. They see themselves as more important than others and are selfish. The constantly need attention and they need to feel superior than others. The constantly need to be in control, are manipulative, and can never admit they are wrong. They are master liars and constantly lie to get what they want. When narcissists have kids they see their kids as people who can serve them. My mother will insult, play sick, make us feel guilty, and will pit my siblings and I against one another to make sure she gets what she wants.

This year I am mourning the death of my mother even though she's alive. I mourn the death of a child's dream of having a parent who could be redeemed...who could finally love her kids more than she loves herself. She's not really a mother but a very sad person who has spent her life being a leech on others. She is resented and hated by her kids who she has treated horribly our entire lives. That being said, my siblings and I won't abandon her in the last years of her life. I know she probably sounds like a monster but there are good memories. At times she was a good mother. The dementia has destroyed her mind so that the good person is gone. She causes all of us a lot of anxiety. She is losing her mind so she's manipulating and arguing with us more out of fear we'll abandon her. In her hazy mind I think she realizes how badly she's treated us when her mind becomes lost in past memories as happens with people who have dementia.

They say you go through five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In re-framing my childhood by what I've learned about narcissistic personality disorder I now see my mother in ways that make me hit the stages of anger and depression quite frequently. I realize I am a victim of narcissistic abuse. Realizing this and re-examining my childhood to see myself as a victim of abuse is helping me make sense of why my mother treated me the way she did. It's quite traumatic to realize and to accept you were abused as a child.

Needing relief as I cope with all this I decided to try hemp oil and CBD oil to see if I could quiet my depression and anxiety.

Hemp Oil and CBD Oil Are Magical Drugs

All I can say is both hemp oil and CBD oil are like magic drugs for anxiety and depression. Hemp oil is more mild in how it effects me but it really does effect me. CBD oil knocks me on my ass at first because it's way more powerful. CBD makes me soooo relaxed I don't want to do anything for a few hours and after that I feel energized. Both are amazing. I first took hemp oil on Monday. I had overwhelming anxiety all weekend and Monday it wasn't any better. I got hemp oil pills in the mail that morning and popped one to see what it would do. The effects started in 20 minutes. I could feel this calm sensation go from my brain and travel all the way down my body. It's like it triggered something in my brain that allowed me to stop obsessing about what was bothering me in life. Usually when I have anxiety I obsessively think about what triggered it and can't stop. When I take the hemp oil it turns the obsessive part of my brain off.

The CBD oil I made my mom take some at the same time as me hoping for a miracle to see if it would calm her down. It didn't but it was amazing for me. Twenty minutes in it hit me and I have never felt more relaxed in my entire life. When I'm around my mother to do her bills I always feel on edge. Her voice makes me tense. I have extreme anxiety. The CBD oil took all that away. Nothing she said effected me. It took away all my anxiety, anger, and I felt very peaceful. I swear when I go visit her to do bills I'm going to take a dose of CBD each time. It seems to help my mind be "normal" and so far I'm not having any anxiety attacks alternating between hemp oil and CBD oil.

I also don't hurt so much. I have bad back pain and foot pain from an old foot injury that just won't heal. Since I started taking both oils I really don't feel as much pain. I'm losing weight too. Both oils suppress your appetite and can speed up your metabolism. I lost five pounds this week just because I'm not eating as much and don't need comfort food which I realize I consume when I have a lot of anxiety. I've suffered from bad insomnia for a few years now related to my anxiety. Gone with the hemp and CBD. I take one hemp oil pill in the morning and 10 drops of CBD oil before bed. I have no anxiety during the day and the CBD oil makes me feel really relaxed at bedtime so I'm finally sleeping. It's been a long time since I slept so good and my mind is completely at peace for a change.

All in all, hemp oil and CBD oil are amazing. My quality of life is greatly improved. I'm going to keep taking them to see what the longer term effects are. It's nice to finally be sleeping and anxiety free. It's nice to not feel pain in my back and feet. The weight loss was a surprise but welcome. I feel better than I've felt in years. They really are magic oils and I highly recommend them. I'll do an update post later on to discuss the long term effects

photo credit: all photos are my own.