My Okayest:The PTSD Brain
Today I am doing my okayest.
I’m not great. I’m not even good. What’s happening is a PTSD flare. My brain is trying to hold onto an unfortunate event and turn it into a trauma. I am fighting. This should not be a trauma, but the thing about PTSD-primed brains is they are already traumatized. When an event rolls around that feels and looks like past traumas, my brain grabs hold and tried to meld it to my history of violence.
I could drown in the PTSD flood, but I’m keeping my head up. I’m reminding myself of “normal.” Of “safe.” Because even though a thing happened that didn’t feel safe, I was safe and am safe.
I am repeating to myself that I am okay. It is okay to just be okay. I am doing my okayest. I don’t have to do my best right now. I’m allowed to feel.
It is also okay that I’m tired. That I want to curl up in a ball and hide from this gray world.
Just two more meetings and I can sit in my closet. I can lean my head back against the wall and breathe in darkness.
That is what okay looks like. I keep hold of it in my mind. It is hope, and hope is hard to come by when you have been a victim even if you are a survivor.
I hate that you are dealing with this. I love that you can put it into words and give yourself permission to use your coping mechanisms and share it with others who may not yet have the power/presence of mind to put it into words.
Oh no... take care of yourself. It’s incredible that you’re putting on such a brave face but be kind to yourself and make space for whatever processing you need to do. Good luck ❤️
It's okay not to be okay. I know it is easier said than done to hold your vulnerability and emotions and shaking-apartness with the tenderness you deserve, but I hope you find your way to it, once your meetings are done. I hope the soothing darkness at the end of your day is everything you need it to be, and that your okayness becomes betterness. Much love to you, friend.
I guess you looking tired pretty strong woman. Get that rest and revitalise your
energy to have enough strength for the next day job. Have a comfortable
resting moment. @shawnamawna.
I would just like to share this post with you as I think what @derangedvisions is doing is great for everyone. For me personally, the 2nd song in his post is really worth hearing. Check it out when you have the time. Perhaps it could be a good thing for you as well :)
https://steemit.com/depression/@derangedvisions/bringing-the-steemit-community-together-to-fight-suicide-and-depression