You ever have a habit that you know you'd probably be better off without, but you just can't seem to break? I'm going to share one of mine here with you today in an ongoing segment I'm calling:

Why Can't I Quit You..?!

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Alcohol

From a very young age, I knew I was going to be a drinker. Ok, maybe not. Some part of me thought I would remain pure and innocent, the epitome of good, forever. But another part of me was always intrigued by the boisterous joviality and camaraderie that seemed to fill the room whenever alcohol showed up at a party or social gathering.

Maybe because it runs in the family, or lubricates the wheels of social interaction, but drinking always seemed like an acceptable vice in my mind. I thought, growing up, that having a drink is fine, harmless. I'll drink, but all that other stuff, smoking, drugs, pot.. whatever.. that's not me.. until it was.

In part, it was a way of fitting in. I prided myself on how much I could hold my liquor at a party. There were always hilarious recounting of the antics we got up to in our inebriated stupor. I took up smoking cigarettes because I was told I looked cool, like a movie star.. silly, I know, but not for 14 year old me, who actually wanted to be an actor at one point. I moved on to weed after a tough break up, because I wanted to forget about it.

I upgraded to harder drugs towards the end of high school, through college and into my early adult life. I liked the way it made me feel alive. Feel something. I thought I knew all the answers to life when I was in NYC pulling all-nighters and spouting my philosophies at anyone who would listen. Cocaine is a hell-of-a-drug..

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However, I realized that while I could follow the drugs, and more so, the thoughts down the rabbit hole, it was a black hole. If I went down that path, it would reach a point of no return.. and while I could possibly find the answers to life, the universe and everything in between, I wasn't willing to take that risk. So I pulled back from the brink. I dabbled still for years after, but eventually gave up hard drugs.. then weed.. then cigarettes.

The only thing I haven't been able to quit is.. alcohol.

I think it's because I've always identified as a drinker, but also, because it was the first poison that bit me, and it's so readily available.. blah blah.. there are lots of excuses, but I protect them fiercely because I can't let go. I wish I could..

Life would be so much better, right..?

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I think I should work on 1) shifting my perceptions, and 2) watching out for triggers.

What I mean is: I don't drink until I wind up in a ditch covered in a pile of my own vomit. I'm not losing the house. My family is not running out on me. I show up to work everyday and get things done. But.. I could do so much more if I didn't drink! I could be one of those bright-eyed bushy-tailed people that springs out of bed, excercises, has the house cleaned and dishes done and the kids dressed and ready for school, all before 7am.

Rather than thinking that I'm not as bad as that guy... I should think.. I can be better than this..

The second thing is to break the cues...

I mean, I don't wake up every morning wanting a drink.. actually some days I wake up swearing off alcohol altogether. I'm sluggish, tired and cranky most of the day. Then when work finally winds down in the evening and I'm feeling a lot better, a voice creeps up in my mind an suggests you deserve a drink, go on, have one and relax..

Whatever it is, the environment.. the fact that finishing work means hopping out to the convenient store for a few beers.. that needs to change.

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Imagine the possibilities..

yes, I'm going to change..

but for now, it's been a long day.. and .. I need a drink..

Until Next Time..