When I'm Back

Bruumm ... Bruumm ..
The sound of the stomes of the two boats broke through the silent night in this city. Just like the rampage beat the noisy crowd at the harbor. People are going back and forth, whatever they do. Several people began to look frantic half-rushing towards the end of the harbor. Towards the docked ship, as if the big ship was about to leave. Slowly I heard a sailboat ballad sounding among the hustle and bustle of the harbor from one of the street vendors around the port area.

Oh .. the manado song brought my soul flying into the past. The times when I first set foot in Nyiur Nyambai City. I lyrics my watch. At 1 am. I grab a boat ticket from inside my jacket pocket. Huft. Remembered the word my seniors in the office first. The boat ticket was made to let us know that the ship was coming late. But this is very much too. On the ticket written departure at 18:00 alias at 6 pm. Akhh. My body was rotted, mixed with the dust of a large vehicle fuming up and down the streets around the harbor and the throng of baggage-laden laborers in the harbor.

Bruumm ... Bruumm ..
A thunderous voice that turned me back on earth. Third stomach sound, which means also the ship will leave soon. As I realized I immediately stood up from my seat. When I was about to step a hoarse voice of a mother like a manampar mukaku. "Mas, pay first," God. I tried to reverse my memory. I circled my eyes around me. I see rows of tables and stools filled with food and in packs arranged in such a way that looks neat. I look at the owner of the voice. A middle-aged woman, perhaps more than that gave me anxious look. I try to smile. My smile is unrequited. His expression remained flat with anxiety tone there.

"Pay," he repeated.
"Sorry mom. How many?"
"Rice 1, aqua bottle 1, coffee 1, fried 4. Thirty five thousand Mas."
I fumbled my pants pocket to retrieve my wallet. I took a fifty thousand pieces and handed it to the mother.
"The change takes Mom."
"Thank God."

I lyrics around my seat earlier. A carrying bag, and a package with a black sweat bag sitting around me. God. I actually flew. I look back at my watch. Approaching 2 am. Truly. Very too this time the delay of the ship. I grabbed my things and got up, half ran toward the still-docked ship as if to be waiting for me. People passing in around the port have been quiet. The more I accelerate my footsteps. This time I really spur my legs.

"Oh my God," I said. Apparently the left right ladder has been raised. The only left is the middle staircase. That's the way people are piled up. Who want to ride a boat or who want to go down coincide there. With the spirit of 45 I ran along to coincide there. No matter the possibility of stepped foot or body collide. My little skinny body forced me in between the cracks of adult bodies clashing there. Wuhh .. a variety of scents forced into my nostrils. Balm, sweat acid, cheap perfume collided into the pores until it was caught by the nerves of my pembauku. The stomach immediately felt sick.

Azizzah .. A shadow of a beautiful woman woke me up. My spirits flashed brightly. I push the bodies that squeeze me. Arhggg .. I shouted. People immediately turned to me. I muster the remnants of my energy and then collect them all to my knees. Once collected I blast and start running upwards. The people in front of me were forced to give in and were only able to stare at my recklessness. "Diversity," that's what I often hear from their mouths. But I do not care.

When I'm on top of my head I feel dizzy. I hold my body by leaning against the wall of the ship. I take a deep breath, neutralize my shortness of breath. The ladder has been pulled and the ship starts moving slowly leaving the harbor. Ten minutes I was silent on the ship's wall. After my breath returned and my consciousness recovered I started looking for a place to sit. This place is crowded. I started walking around the deck on the floor.

The rain began to fall. No place I've found yet. Until I decided to go into the space ship to be able to find a place on another deck. Before I arrived in the area with the rain falling heavily. People who had been idle on the deck running for shelter. Slippery place caused some people to fall slip. I was lucky to have found shelter among the confused people looking for shelter. Until then I saw a 4-year-old girl crying with a rain-soaked body not far from my body shelter. Looks like he's separated from his parents. Instantly I tried not to care, but this heart can not. I then stepped closer to him. He farther away with a frightened look.

"You why dik?" I asked. "Where's Mama? Do not be afraid. Brother help look ya? "He just silent with clashing teeth. He seems very cold. Between the rain I took her hand. Cold. Quite difficult to get in with the crowds of people. Arriving inside me fumbled something out of my backpack. Towels were a bit wet from the rain. I wipe the child's wet body. Then I wrapped her body. "Is it a bit warm?" She just nodded. With my body wrapped in a towel I lifted his body and I gedong towards the information.

"Sir, there's a missing child," I said.

The officer responded immediately by inviting us into the small room inside the information room. A charming woman with a uniform approached us and began to open a conversation with us, especially to the little sister with the intention of knowing her identity and her parents. Long enough we sat inside as a middle-aged man and a young woman came to the information. It turns out they are the mother and grandfather of that little sister. After a bit of small talk, they bring a little sister to their room.

My own life again. I then said goodbye and left the place. The ship is crowded. There is not the slightest room to sit. I decided to go to the deck. The rain was still rushing down. A glimpse of the darkness with the help of lightning from the occasional light came to me to see where I was staying. It was already filled. Dazed I walked trying to find an empty space between this deck. I do not know how long I searched, in the pouring rain I can not find a vacant place. I gave up and sat my ass on the wet deck floor and leaned against the ship's boundary. I landed hard landing. I hear the sound of a crash like a plastic sound. Oh yes. Gift to Azizzah. I took my backpack to protect the parcel. I close tightly. Tiredness and sleepiness led me to dreamland.

The heat woke me up. As I opened my eyes the sunlight sharpened, so my eyes were very glare. I closed my eyes with my left hand while my right hand was still hugging my stuff. Already afternoon. Hot. My hair was still wet the rest of the rain last night. Also my clothes. Also my pants. Also my stuff. My bundle. I check my bundle. I am grateful, I kiss many times while grateful. No matter people pay attention to me. 32 hours on board. I finally reached my destination city. Missing the ground. Missing you. Miss you dear.

Bruumm ... Bruumm .. The ship's stomach sounds for an instant the anchor will be lowered. I'm getting ready to go down.
"Azizzah I'm coming," I said.



Soon. On the first occasion I went down the steps of the ship. My passion is raging. I breathe in the air this morning. This morning, the harbor was very crowded. It's crowded. The seller has opened his wares. The officers, public transportation drivers and of course the motorcycle taxi drivers have started their activities to earn a living for the family. Though it's still cold. I complained to myself. They're great. I stepped my foot. All offers from driver angkot, taxi, motorcycle taxi drivers, to becak drivers I reject. My goal is close. I can look for lodging around the harbor to rest and meet Azizzah in the afternoon.

The ship swayed when the waves slammed. The night sky is bright enough. I shifted my gaze to the other hemisphere because the star I was looking at was clouded. The star to my left. I do not know what the star is. But it's important too, because whatever the name does not change anything from it.

This afternoon the sky seems less friendly. Understandably the December wind let alone in the archipelago like this area. Come on. It did not diminish my intention to meet Azizzah. I will come. Hair is klimis, beard mustache do not forget my shaving abis. Do not miss the cheap deodorant and perfumes I carry. Complete. I also brought a parcel with red roses from plastic. I steadily stepped out of the room. After leaving the room key I stepped outside the inn where I stay to look for angkot to a place that has been only in my mind. Now it becomes real.

Twenty minutes on the way finally I arrived at the place. Not much has changed. It's still the same as when I come here often. Two mango trees still remain the same. The fence is the same. The same color is the same height even the scratches are still the same. The yard also remains the same. Clean and well maintained. Same smell. Fresh smell of fruit trees growing in this kos-kosan yard. Very cozy place indeed. The place that always appears in my dreams. Beautiful place. Where I make love. With my beloved Azzizah. I'll see him in a moment. Moments I've been waiting for. For years I restrained myself. Waiting to meet you Azzizahku. I tried to ring the bell. First, I push and wait. No one opened the door.

"Azzizah," I yelled. Still no one opened the door.
Three times I push the bell, and after a while finally some are out.
"Uh, Udin," Udin is my name. "It did not come long. Where have you been?"
"There aja. Azziza is there? "

The sea water foam behind this pelni, in a faint formation of long straight lines, while the water around it swelled in the direction of the speed of the ship until it blew in the distance. Like the loss of my life expectancy that has dimmed.

"Udin?" Screams are heard. More like a hysterical scream in my ear. The beautiful face expresses the shock which then seems to be arrested and lost. Seemed normal. The eyes-the eyes I've always admired-show me something I did not imagine before. I caught something worried. Something strange. I tried to ignore it. This is the moment that I wait, and I will not waste it.

"Azziza."
"How are you?"
"I come, I fulfill my promise,"
"Fine," that's all. The first word from you.

I look into your face. Sticky and old. Surprisingly there was no sign of excitement on the face. No signs of longing. Face and ordinary gaze. As if only an 8-year-old playmate who played up to the night so picked up by the mother and is now coming to play. Very ordinary. A few moments of silence ambushed us. Azziza was silent.

"How are you doing Azziza?" I say trying to melt the situation.
To be honest you're getting pretty Azziza, I thought. My idol lady now seemed to grow older. More good at taking care of yourself. Cleaner and more girllike.
"Well. This is Din. I am good. All went well. As it should be. "There's a word of disappointment from your words.
"Can I get in?"
"Please. Mari Din. Sign in. "

He then moved from where he stood, moving toward the inside. I followed him. Following each step, entering a large hallway about one meter to the right of his left there is a room in the form of rooms. After walking past five rooms right and left there is a room big enough. There is furniture in there. Some good closets, and some guest chairs. This is where the boarding children receive guests. My place used to wait for Azziza to change her clothes when she promised to come out together or just chat when I visited. Still the same. Even the arrangement of chairs, cabinets and other furniture remains the same. Not changed at all.

"Oh yeah." I reached out to give a gift that I deliberately brought from afar.

The air began to bite. My thin jacket is not able to withstand the piercing cold. Cold wind that blows hard no longer blocked my skinny body repeatedly. This body began to shiver. Started to feel something different in my body. Began to feel unwell. I can only surrender my passion to accept the fate that befall me now. Can only lean on the iron which became the boundary fence in the stern behind this ship. Tears are unstoppable again. More than when I lost my parents. When my father was convicted for corruption or when the mother died of embarrassment. Even when my siblings are admitted to the orphanage. It's more pain. It hurts so much. Azziza, to you I depend on life.

We stayed in this room for a long time. There was silence. Even I can hear the sound of Azziza's heartbeat sitting slightly away from me. For years we've been building relationships, it just happened this time. Is Azziza still surprised by my arrival? Yes Azziza was just surprised by my sudden arrival. "Everything has not changed. Still like when I went Ijah, "I said trying to break the frozen atmosphere. Ijah used to call Azziza. Like his other close friends.
"Yes Din. Still as before, "he replied bitterly. I do not know what the tone means.

How are you Ijah. What's your activity all this time? "I said. Do not want to be too long in a cold atmosphere. "Here's Din. My routine is the same. Like before, "she replied simply. Not like me. I want very soon to get rid of this rigidity. Maybe Azzizah is like this because we're in this room. I have long gone. Maybe by taking him for a walk will reduce this rigidity.
"Long time we split up Jah. Will you go out to dinner with me? "
"I'm so tired Din. Besides, I've eaten just now. "

"Or if you have eaten do you want me to eat? We chatted casually, "I insisted.
"It's been a long time since we talked."
"Very long," he suddenly tapped. Then he looked down. It was as if the words just did not consciously out of her mouth. I was shocked by his grabbing words. Wrath him. But only for a moment. He seems to have mastered himself. Then be ordinary. Very ordinary.

"We talked like we used to," I began to sob.
"Sorry Din. I'm not feeling well, "she declined.
"Well then," I finally relented, though very disappointed.
"We're just chatting here," I say, trying to amuse myself. My longing was unbearable to her. Azziza was silent. "Jah, I miss you. In each of my daydreams comes your shadow, "Azzizah was still silent.

"Jah. How's your family doing? "
"Fine," Azziza replied curtly.
"I feel bad Din. I go to rest, do not you? "
"Loh," that's the only word I can speak. Disillusionment tore through my bone marrow.
"OK. We'll see you tomorrow? "I hope. Azziza was silent, then without looking at me she got up and went to her room.
I can only look at his back until it disappears between the walls of the building. I rose with a heavy heart. Back to the inn.

Splashes of sea water slapped my cheeks and wet some of my clothes. The cold became more and more invading my body. I try to hold the cold by clasping my teeth. I hold my upper and lower teeth. A clatter sound was heard from the clash. Until I feel my eyes are blazing. I tried to survive but as strong as I survived, I could not. Until I decided to sit on the ship's wall. By dragging my feet trying to get there soon.

Disappointment still covers me. A night not like I imagined before. I want something from this surprise. Like a cry of joy when meeting. Or a hug. I have no idea. The night was getting late. My eyes are hard to shut. I do not know what time it is. This is definitely very late. No more vehicles. Also with the sounds of people in the usual market passing by. Only occasionally came the lame steps of the drunks who were somehow headed. The occasional cricket sounds. The bark of guard dogs and the sounds of night birds rhythmically rhythmically build the night orchestra. I hela breath. I have long forgotten the sound of nature like this.

My mind drifted again. Again recall the incident. Why is Azziza's attitude like that. Cold. Azziza if you know. For years I look forward to meeting you. If only you knew what I did for you. Years I held back this desire, until sometimes carried away until the dream in my sleep. Azzizah if you knew what I sacrificed to just get here?

My eyes still do not want to be closed. The freshest of dog howls replied. Then came the sound of heavy footsteps, but the spontaneous accompaniment then the sound of shouts and long curses. The sound of drunk people. Shortly there was a sound of something clashing. Like the sound of a hard object may be a stone that is about a power pole across the street. A loud clanging sound. A long, loud voice was heard again.

The move galloped. Maybe more than one drunkard. Of course they are the perpetrators of that voice. They seemed to throw stones at them. Do not have things to do. My mind flew back to Azziza. Past shadows appeared in turn. Every moment of my beautiful moments with him alternately decorate my mind. Azziza. I have to see her tomorrow. I thought. Explain everything.

I have kept my promise Azziza to come back here, "I said, half shouting.
"What do you say? What promise? "He said in a voice that was not less violent.
"My promise is Azziza. Our promise, "I began to soften.
"When did you promise? What do you promise me and what do I promise you? You just left. You did not give me anything. You just left, "he shouted. I paused. Yes he is right. At that time our relationship was very close. I got into trouble then. The problem I did not want to remember. "But Azzizah I came for you. For us. For the sake of our relationship, "I screamed in a voice that was almost gone. An almost inaudible voice.
"Relationship? What relationship? We have not started anything Udin yet. You have not started anything yet. Continuing what do you mean? "

I can only be silent. He's right. I'm too cowardly to get started. Too cowardly to dare to give you an appointment. Too cowardly to give you a dream. Too cowardly to invite you to build mutual expectations, shared ideals. In fact I do not dare say our word to you. I wish I could stare at my face. Maybe I'll see a pale face there. Face without blood. Face of despair.

"Azziza, can I start from now?" Azzizah just paused. No answer or words from his lips. He just looked down. I look at her face. Waiting for reply. Waiting for words from him. Just the silence I found on that face. The silence that appears amongst the cafes of this cafe. Azziza then moved from his place.
"I have Din's job," he said without looking at me. I can only look. Can not prevent it. Stare at the cafe floor.

It's been two days since I tried to meet Azziza. He's like avoiding me. For some reason. Am I guilty? But what's my fault? I do not know. How can I know if the one who has the answer is not willing to see me? Confusion. I remember our meeting two days ago. I remember. Is there something wrong? No. For let me not have my actions or sayings too, even that meeting is very short.

My heart complained, for months I resisted longing. For months I have a heart fast. Working hard to raise money, make the best living I can be proud of you Azziza. I also leave my month to God to be guarded. Did not God hear me? A thousand flavors I'm buried for you O my Azzizah. I'm waiting for this moment. In retaliation for all my misery. My mind drifts into the past when we can meet and mingle. The very moments I missed. When your smile expands upon me. My happy moments.

Bruumm ... Bruumm ..
Stom sounds again. I arrived at my original destination when I left Azziza last month, accompanied by the announcement of the crew. I went down the steps of the ship giddily. Is there life for me when Azziza is no longer my dream. God only to you servant surrender.
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The End