Alone

Anyone

that

knows

me know

that I am

alone. A

lot. It's

not that I

prefer to

be alone,





but I generally did not go out during the week (even less so

when I started taking care of my niece), I use a



lot of my free

time to do homework, and looking back on my life it's just

how it has been.



I spent a lot of time alone. That type of

alone is a choice. I choose not to go out or to put my classes

above everything else. Now, here at CSU it's different.



I am

not alone because I want to be, I am alone because I am

excluded.

The difference hurts, you see all of the people in



your dorm

hall go to dinner without you, or they go to parties and don't

invite you.



They walk into your room to talk to your

roommate and barely glance your way before pretending you

aren't there at all. It's tough being different, being awkward in





a way they don't understand. I am here and I am so focused

on school that partly, in the beginning, it was me. I did push

them away, I was invited to a party and declined because I

had failed a quiz.





I had been invited to dinner a couple times

-- and I went -- but my silence or commentary must not

have been what they thought it should be.

I know I am weird and awkward and different. I have always





known these things, and I have embraced them. But there is

more to me than that, and the kids here are just as cruel as

the kids in elementary, middle, or high school.





I feel lonely

because no one has offered up conversation, I initiate all of

them if I talk to anyone in the hall. No one has offered

friendship, even though one of the girls here is friends with

another one of my friends.



 All of the friends I do have offer

their support, but there is nothing they can do from 60 miles

away.

I never understood why someone would feel alone in a





crowded room, but now I do.



They feel alone because

everyone there is pretending they don't exist.