Rude Awakening

Odd that the angels are strangers, or estranged. They can be illusive; while the brash, nerve-clanging all-consuming mothers are standing at the ready. I thought I was meditating. I was drifting off into a calm, half nap, and resting before an engagement a few hours from now.... or so I thought. It is possible for demons to jump from cell tower to cell tower and try to enter my ear.

My heart weighs a ton, and is causing my shoulders to slump because I am no longer at peace. If I sit in this, it will consume me. It is a pain from long ago that is inflicted each time I answer the phone call, or take the ride feeling every bump in my arthritic spine due to bad shock absorbers between the disks. The pain of not being heard. I used to believe that it was the pain of abandonment, but now I am not so sure. It is only in these last few years, I have come to the conclusion that maybe I was passed off, and not passed over. Maybe it was easier for one to save oneself, and sacrifice the child, or children. I had a hard time explaining it any other way. Ten years is a long time not to know...under the same roof.

I probably could deal with that being so long ago, I have worked through it quite a bit. The problem that bubbles to the surface is what happened just a few years back. After a surgery, in the brain department, I heard the words of the loving guardian, that would surely re-rupture my aneurysm: "well she can't come with me." Boom. The doctors said most people don't survive these things. Maybe I did not make it after all.

That was a dagger in the broken heart of this woman with a dead husband, a lost soul, and a child-like mind... This is the thought that stabs me in unison with the pinching nerves as I lift myself out of bed. Then, I remembered... I have angels..and I am lifted up. I know now that it is going to be alright. By the grace of God, I am alive today, and I will not waste one more minute of it. The only thing that matters now, and forever, is love....truth, and love.