BEASTLY TALES

THE WINE CRITIC

Wine Critics are no different from others,
That is to say, they have the love of their mothers.
None having talent or real discipline,
In the distilling of Rum, Whiskey or gin,
Or in distinguishing painting or fine art,
Decide, instead to offer the critical part,
That is to say, “Don’t do what I can’t do,”
“Try to do what I say. That I’d like to,”
Basically, they are critical of artistic pleasures,
With only their personal failure as measures.

Augustus Heroditis is our wine critic today.
He was a cheerful chap, decidedly gay,
In the true meaning of this little word,
He though being unhappy quite absurd.
Of course his happiness went with the job,
He was so often wine tasting with his delicate gob.
He eagerly tasted vintage reds and whites,
And equally enthusiastically in between delights.
He was supposed to test bouquet and swish in his mouth.
And then use a spittoon to send the dregs south.
Now this he did consider to be a waste,
So he determined to swallow all he did taste,
By the end of each day he’d forget the bouquet,
And gulp down the glass with little to say,
On the wine’s merits or otherwise,
Progressively his wine serving increased in size.
And, of course, it didn’t take very long,
Before he was delivering his critique through song.
“This Merlot is fabulous in it’s way,”
“Now Cabernet Sauvignon has had it’s day.”
“This Pinot is a most pretentious wine,”
“Eminently quaffable, but otherwise fine.”
“This bordeaux has a slight hint of pear,”
“But, after all this wine I really don’t care.”

Augustus went to a wine tasting,
Mindful of his predilection not be wasting,
He nosed the bouquet, and swilled in his mouth,
But kept the residue in his “North and South”
He joyously drank it right down,
And it wasn’t long before he was acting the clown.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” he did loudly declare,
“These wines my findings I will now share.”
“The Merlot here, ghastly, what else can I say?”
“This Rose tastes like it was just made today,”
“The Sauvignon Blanc, to be quite frank,”
“Tastes like it came from a vinegar tank.”
“Each of these wines is in it’s own way repulsive,”
“Drinking of them could make one convulsive,”
“I couldn’t recommend you buy any, not one!”
“But drinking them free is limited fun.”
“So if you want some rubbish to quaff,”
“Grab some here, free, before they turn it off.”

Well, the owners of the winery were most affronted,
The edge in favour of Augustus was most sorely blunted.
The wine maker master did angrily shout,
“Get right out of here, you drunken lout!”
Augustus staggered over, if you please,
To the taster’s plate of bread and cheese,
“If you wish me to precipitately leave”,
“I must first have lunch, can you believe,”
“So I will devour this bread and cheese.”
“And do so most quickly, if you please,”
And this he did. Then said, “I feel fine,”
“In consequence, I would like a glass of wine.”
The entourage, saying nothing specific,
Encouraged the quick departure of the wine critic.