Musings: IV

One early morning my mother came into my room and rested her hand on my shoulder to wake me. It was difficult for me to rub the sleep from my eyes, I had left home in the afternoon the day before and I did not arrive until sunrise. My mother spoke to me gently and said, "I don't care where you are or who you are with. I need you to always tell me if you are coming home and if you are safe." I made a promise with her and silently understood the amount of trust she had in me. I was fifteen.

Unlike most of my peers who were up to no good, I was innocent and looking to enjoy the simple things. I was out charming older boys, offering them a night full of adventures. We'd gather a small group and drive out to a park, flashlights in hand, imaginations running wild from ghost stories that were told. I can still hear screams and laughter echoing in my memories. There were countless nights where we played like children and there were no worries of growing old. We'd look at the stars and wait for sunrise.

As I grew older I fell in love with my art but my family urged me to study business. My dreams of a better education fell short when my family lost everything. We started in life having little, gained more through hard work and lost it all. My outlook on life had changed drastically and I had to matured quickly. It felt like I was always on edge. 

I started to become frustrated with certain family members, mainly a cousin that was close in age. We were close but it was obvious that our priories differed. I spent my time stressed and focused on my growth. She spent her time partying and wallowing in self pity. 

My cousin was incapable of holding a job, stopped attending college because she wasn't able to wake up for class, abused herself with substances, and would throw herself at men with sad eyes, begging to be needed. She was blessed with so much love and support yet she casted it aside. I can't deny the fact that she suffered as a child but she was responsible for her own suffering as an adult. 

Even though I disagreed with her choices, I was still gentle towards her. It was hard to understand her reasons for grounding herself and why she couldn't reach for something better. I advised her and was there to console her. She chose to ignore it all. 

In time I grew tired of it and we drifted apart, It was inevitable. I learned that some want to suffer and I needed to stay away from it or it would knock me off my path. 

At sixteen going on seventeen, I knew that I could only rely on myself. While my friends were paying off their school loans in their early twenties, I was purchasing my first home. 

Life settled, I became tempted with the idea of discovery and new beginnings. I told my mother that I had decided to move away. She tried to talk me out of it but I wouldn't back down. She was convinced that my father would side with her, but he actually did the opposite. "You've done enough for us, now go live how you'd like."

So I left. I've made several mistakes since then. I've learned more about myself and I'm still stumbling through life. I'm very happy and my only wish is to influence those that I care and help guide them to their own happiness. 

Thanks for reading.