Day 57:

LOL, I'm perhaps running out of explicitly positive things to say about this sadhana while it's being undergone. Major unresolved psychological issues that have remained at bay thanks to expansive emotional cultivation (e.g. from Kundalini Awakening Process 1 course) is palpable on a daily basis. Ha-Tha breathing is my life saver. I have had to turn down the intensity on that breath, as I was doing it very forcefully, however, it continues to be a mainstay. I tried adding in the Lakshmi mantra for the Shh sound. It rounds off the jagged edges a bit, but nothing can stop the underlying force of Saturn. There is that wonderful Tool lyric: "Saturn comes back around / Lifts you up like a child / Or drags you down like a stone / To consume you till you choose to let this go". I had a creative vision a couple of days ago based on this lyric, where it hit me that Saturn can take one to high places and also to low places (in terms of karmic experience) --- i.e. it can accelerate karmic transitions or deepen their grip on you insofar as there are lessons to be learned from a karmic interaction. I would say that I'm at peak shittiness feeling right now. In the past days, Saturn has brought up tons of a couple of particular psychological issues that are bottlenecking hard on my psychic system. What keeps me going? The prospect of new heights. Moving things along. Experiencing more in one lifetime (i.e. a continuum of memory) than I otherwise would. To evolve so that I can more expeditiously become of better service to the highest good of all beings. Maybe that's some sort of limiting belief on some level, based up on notions of what "time" is and what timescale(s) my ego-personality is attached to. Perhaps. This is important to note. That said, it seems that I have a strong underlying meta-intention in my soul constitution to purify through tapasya, at least at this time. And great, whatever. I revel in Being as such at this time. It stokes an inner fire. It pushes the envelope in some way. I'm sure there are other vistas beyond this; more sattvic forms of purification. I welcome them wholeheartedly in due course.