(My Dad: upper Left, My Mom: upper middle, next to Dad, Grandpa: Upper middle next to Mom, Brother: Upper right next to grandpa, My beautiful aunt bottom left below Dad, Her son next to her, Grandma next to him, And me bottom right.)

So I've been meaning to write about the importance of family for a few days now.

This last Wednesday I had a hard night. As many of you know my mom has Vascular Dementia with early onset of Alzheimer's - dual dementia. About a week ago was my dad's first time going to a doctor's appointment alone with her - I have posted about that. He's having a hard time, depressed, and has finally come to the realization she won't get better - only worse. This is something I have come to terms with because I have to. I am the backbone of the family.

Wednesday was hard.

She was in one of the worst states I've seen her in a while - not angry like she usually is, although she had a few outbursts but just vacant. I would speak to her and not get responses, I would ask her a question and there would be only a stare. She wouldn't even look at me but just ahead, like there was nothing there... I am not naive. I know I am losing my mom. I know she will be gone soon... Doctor said in 2 years we won't even be able to keep her in the home - something my dad and I don't want and will fight tooth and nail for.

She would have her outbursts, as I stated.

She gets those. I will put a link to the Alzheimer's Association along with a description of what Alzheimer's/dementia is below so people get a better idea. Most don't know that people with the disease can have episodes of anger, of pure hatred, for no reason. Outbursts as we call them. You don't know what causes it, you don't know when it will happen, you don't know how or where or why. Nothing. You just learn to deal with them. This, among other reasons is why we don't take her to places we aren't familiar with, that are't familiar with us. It's hard at times when new people are there and question what the hell is wrong with the lady sitting over there, yelling about nothing. It's hard... but we've always dealt with it.

Wednesday though, Dad couldn't deal.

Every outburst she had, because they are 99.9% of the time toward him, caused another spout of emotions - from Dad. I don't see my Dad cry much... but when he does, it breaks my heart all over again. It hurts and I bleed from the inside out for him. It's the hardest thing ever. He cried a handful of times that night. I wanted to too. Don't get me wrong. And I feel for him - he lives with it. I only see it once or twice a week... but he's my dad, he's all I really have left. I want to pretend Mom is okay... but she's not. She won't ever be...

After we left our family night - That's what Wednesday's are

I needed someone to talk to - I needed a friend. As I've stated in past posts, I don't have many of those... honestly I only really have one true friend, and then my friend turned boss who I could probably have called too. So I texted my best friend, but she's like me (see my past Freewrite: Belt) gets up at 4am to go to the gym. So I knew she'd be sleeping but I tried anyway - no response. I couldn't text my friend-turned boss- because she has children.

I debated for a while after that, I must admit...

I knew she would be awake, shes told me she stays up late, and I knew she would understand and respond because, she's just amazing that way, but I have this undeniable characteristic that I don't like bothering anyone (my screen name @bleedinheart was picked perfectly for many reasons in this post). But I finally broke down. I needed someone and my husband wasn't home... So I sent her this text:

I just want to say, thank you for always being there for me.

She responded right away:

I wish I could help more. Just don't forget I'm close and never sleep so if you need me I am here. And you are very welcome.

She knew. She always knew. So I texted back:

Can I call you? Like right now?

And she obliged.

We spent an hour and a half talking. It wasn't just about the hard night I had, that was first. I cried right when she answered. She asked if I was okay and I told her no, it was just hard seeing my mom that way. We talked about Dad in detail, talked about life and other things. We talked about a lot and everything and nothing. She was so amazing. She dealt with my babbling and my annoying complaining, she gave me advise and sometimes just sympathized. She was... a second mom. She was everything I needed.

@snook, if your reading this, I adore you, I love you, and I am so PROUD to call you my aunt. I talk about you all the time. I am happy we made the bond we did. I needed it and I like to think you did too - or at least enjoy it. That night meant more to me than I could EVER say. You were the glue to my broken heart. Thank you.

And to everyone else.

I hope I have touched someone today who feels the way I do. I hope you have someone like my aunt to turn to. If not. I am here, I feel what you feel. Know there's help, there's guidance, if not with a loved one with help through the Alzheimer's Association. Find the link Bellow.

Good night all.

@Bleedinheart

The Alzheimer's Association

Vascular Dementia

Alzheimer's Disease