If We Would Ever Meet

I would be petrified.

And it isn't something that just goes away if someone comes and says: "Just talk to people! You can do it! Believe in yourself and everything is possible!"

No. Same thing if you go to a person who has no legs: "Just grow a pair! You can do it! Believe in yourself and everything is possible!" you say. And it's not. Only this time, you and that legless person both know it to be a lie.

I've said this before but I will say it again. The extrovert in me takes my introvert to places and situations that only the extrovert could handle, but all of a sudden the son of a bitch always at some point LEAVES and the introvert in me is left all alone.

So I would be like: I can handle this, I'm walking towards that stranger, I'm smiling widely, I feel confident, a handshake, oh, a hug, okay, I can handle that, "hello how are you, I'm fine, yes, coffee would be nice", okay we are in the cafeteria now, (the extrovert leaves) oh it's hot here, let me just put my coat here, oh the coffee is hot and I have no idea how or when to eat this freaking cake I took, now why the hell did I take anything else than a coffee, and a chocolate cake, am I insane!!! That means my mouth and teeth are going to be brown all the time and I will probably mess my clothes to that chocolate too, say something! Say something! "Well, it's been a nice weather. Here. Yes, not like at home. So you said you work with computers, how fascinating, I... I have a computer... too... it has a screen... and a keyboard. So are you a player... I mean do you play games with you computer, I don't mean at work but if... you must have a computer too... oh, you play... no I have not heard of those games... I've played Doom... like... ten.. twenty years ago..." You fucking idiot, why did you have to try to talk about stuff, why, talk to the other person, ask the same questions, yes that's a good idea! No it's not, ask something else you moron! But of course, you forgot her name! "Okay you.. there... you said you love knitting, I... I really appreciate people who can do stuff with their hands like handymen, oh, and obviously handywomen I... ha ha ha..." Freaking shut yourself up already, shut up! "But no, not that kind of handwork, yes, not that there's anything wrong with... Oh I have cats! Do you... oh you don't..." Think, think, think... breathe, breathe, breathe... and think! Hey, you idiot, you saw a camera! Talk about that! "Are you a photographer? Oh you are! I photograph too! I have a Canon, an old one, it's... no I'm not a photographer. I just love taking pictures. Picture taking is fun..." Idiot, idiot...idiot! Is fun the only word you could think of? All the words in the world, you chose the word FUN! Drink your coffee and choke on your cake! Find an excuse to think things for a while! "Sorry I have to check my phone, I'm expecting a text message, where did I put it, I was sure it was here, like on this... thing that we all sit around and that has four legs... YES a table! That's it..." Drink the coffee now you idiot! Oh you... you managed to drink it so that you spilled it to your shirt and to your lap and to the table. "Oh, haha, it seems that I have a drinking problem..." No-one's laughing to your joke, go to the bathroom now and suffer the pain of the hot coffee there!

I would stutter, forget words (in Finnish and in English), forget to breathe out and eventually somehow I would manage to get chocolate cake and coffee all over my clothes, perhaps even yours.

What you should bring with you is a friend, so that you wouldn't be the only sane person at the table. And do not put your best clothes on. Be prepared to go straight home after meeting me. To change the best clothes you insisted wearing.

So you there, would think that I am hopelessly infatuated with you. When I actually am terrified and trying to think the best and easiest way to quickly get out of the impossible deer-in-headlights -situation by either closing my eyes and not looking at the shiny you and trying to find my way out eyes shut, or killing myself.

The reaction might seem similar in your perspective. Hopelessly infatuated, on drugs, or terrified and waiting for sudden death. Might look the same, but are entirely different things.

If we should ever meet.

P.S.
Three days after the meeting my extrovert comes back: "Eyyyy. How's it hanging!"

P.P.S.
Here's some awkward people for you.