I am a little confused. Your story is roughly 4 pages long, contains 5 pictures and 1 video (two pictures are together). My first linked post is 4 pages and has 7 pictures. My second linked post is 5 pages and also has 7 linked pictures. Furthermore, I have no run-on paragraphs (ahem - like your comment). But I do agree the second one was too long without enough breaks. Still it is only about a 20 minutes read for an average reader. Less for many Steemians.

I will however work at putting in more pictures and attempting to break up the story into shorter pieces.

PS - This is a work of Fiction and once completed there will be very few pictures unless I can find someone to illustrate the book before I publish it.