The moment of commitment

While hiking through the mountains I always ask myself "what in the hell am I doing!?" and "why am I hiking to jump off a cliff? This is insanity!" but for some reason my feet keep moving, one in front of the last.

I also take in the scenery as I walk knowing that it could very well be my last memory of this life, I appreciate the flowers, trees and dew covered grass so much more and try to remind myself that if I survive that I must keep level of appreciation for the world around me once I land, slowly the droning on of normal life makes me complacent and disconnected and think things like "i'm in a hurry and it will be here tomorrow" even though its all just as likely that I will be hit by a car crossing the street as it is that I will die on a base jump.

as I near the exit my internal questioning always grows louder "am I prepared? am I capable of this jump" even though I knew these things were true before I started my hike, these questions run like a broken record over and over through my head.

once I have done my gear checks and put on my suit, double checking everything then having a fellow jumper check me once over as well, THEN and only then does my mind flip a switch.

no longer do I ask myself "if" I can complete this safely, I ask myself "how" I will use my skills to stay alive in the event of an unforeseen problem. I make back up plan B, C and D's for the scenarios I think could happen.

after I have run through both my physical gear and camera checklist and also my mental preparation checklist, another switch flips, this is my performance mode.

most people think that BASE jumping is an adrenaline junkie sport, but for me its quite opposite. My adrinaline rushes as I contemplate my life and skills during the hike and also when I complete my preparations and checks. but once it's time to perform and my visor closes, I have a different feeling entirely

the best thing I can compare it to is the feeling of jumping into a really cold lake. you stand on the rock or dock bargaining with yourself , thinking of ways to get out of it, thinking how cold its going to be and that you should just come back when the lake is warmer.

But the second you step away, the exact moment you know there's no going back, you're committed and you ARE going to get wet and cold, you feel a release of tension, a release of the worry a release of the small minded thoughts of "but its so cold" and "maybe its not deep enough" and you just jump!

as soon as I feel my last toe leave the cliff I feel calmness, not adrenaline rush through my body, I relax and allow my training and reflexes to take over and use my mind to make objective decisions to have a thrilling but safe flight allowing a buffer for incidents.

it is in this moment I feel most free. free from society flying alone through the mountains, free from fear because i am confident in my skills and free from the everyday worries of if I remembered to buy sauce for the pasta dinner tonight.

I am one with the sky and world for this brief flight my thoughts are solely on my flight performance and the terrain. it is also the time I am most honest with myself, accepting where I cannot fly and also trusting my judgement of where I can. there's no time to second guess one's self while tracking or wingsuiting in proximity to cliffs and its this forced honesty that I also try to carry over to my life in other aspects.

to enjoy life to its fullest extent and see the beauty in all things, and to honestly be myself and honest with myself are my goals in life, and base jumping helps me achieve that, and apply it in all aspects of my life, even the ones that don't involve flying.

here is a photo from the moment that "switch" flips in my head when I am just leaving an object. I wish I could view my videos of base jumping from the same mental perspective as I do when I record them, but pictures and videos help me remember the things that are most important to me in my life :)

if you liked this post check out the rest of my blog for more skydiving, base jumping, climbing, hiking, van life-ing adventures!

and remember: It's your life, live it how you want, not how you are told you have to