Grieving for the Loss of My Cat
Just a week ago, I lost my little baby boy. I feel so terrible and guilty. I failed him as his mommy. A couple of "if onlys" are still bothering me and I feel like it was me who caused his death.
He was a playful kitten and we just loved him very much. The only problem we had was that he was always following and annoying our female cat. There was a time when our female cat was suddenly in heat eventhough she was spayed. We thought it was our little boy who was triggering it, so we decided that once he would turn 6 months old, we would have him neutered. We thought it would be beneficial to his health and we thought it would be best for the both of them.
He just turned 6 months old last September 22 and it was then that we started to prepare for his neuter. I ordered a protective collar for him online and it was scheduled to arrive on October 2. However, my sister was already arranging for his neuter for September 25. I knew I was not prepared and I wanted to wait for the collar but I agreed to my sister thinking that it would be good for him. The clinic where we made the appointment was the nearest which is less than five minutes walk from our house. Their charge is cheaper than other clinics but we just ignored it. We trusted that they are great veterinarians as they assisted us well when we had our female cat checked last time.
When the neuter operation was done and we picked up our boy, the veterinarian said that he was hard to wake up. We did not even ask what could that mean. We only asked about his pain reliever and antibiotics and the vet didn't advise about anything else, so we left the clinic. Our boy rested well and we gave his medicine accordingly. He was fine until the morning of the next day. I noticed that he was quiet and he was always staying in front of his water container like he wanted to do something. He went to the sofa and we let him sleep. We did not disturb him because we wanted him to have a good rest.
It was about 12:00 noon that I noticed that his breathing became faster and deep. We thought it was normal. It was only about 5:00 PM that we decided to contact the vet and send a video of him. The vet just also told us to replace his pain reliever as it could not have been suitable for him. She gave us a prescription to go to a different clinic to buy the replacement. That evening, he vomited white foam so we decided to also bring him for check up.
When we arrived in the cat hospital , the breathing of our boy worsened. The veterinarians on duty did everything they could to save him. I knew he was strong and he was fighting hard for his life. When the vet told us that we lost him, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I was feeling until we got home. My parents and my siblings felt devastated. I was not able to sleep that night because I was hurting so much and I was guilty. If only we did not have him neutered, we could still have him today. If only we brought him to a different vet, things could have turned out differently. We do not have proof that his death was due to the neuter procedure but he was a very healthy boy before the surgery. I'm not blaming the vets but I'm blaming myself the most. I feel like I was not a responsible mommy to my boy. I did not notice that he was hurting badly and I did not take immediate action that could have saved his life.
I have so many regrets. What could my little boy be thinking when he was suffering? Did he think that we purposely hurt him? We did not even feed him the night before him surgery because fasting is required. I just really feel terrible and I pray that he forgives me. The most important thing for me now is that I hope he knows how much he is loved. He will forever remain in our hearts.