I swear to God: Hey, God! Fuck You!

Okay, that was a bad pun.

My wife invited her friends over to our house some time ago. She wanted to know if I didn't mind that they were a Christian couple. I said that I wouldn't, but I had a feeling that this will be a bit awkward, since they know that I'm no longer a believer and I know that they know this, and they also will be aware of that... And so it was awkward. Anytime somebody said something abut the church, or some pastor that they knew I just kept quiet. I decided to just wait until somebody chnges the subject and hoped that thi will be over soon. But everywhere the elefant was sitting in the room. A very big elefant in a very small room. And when we were outside, the elefant was following us around. Somebody just had to say it.

So we're sitting by the table and finally talking about faith and why I think it's all a scam and why I quit after being such a zealous minister. And the guy starts to defend the faith stating all sorts of the usual bullshit. And at one point I stop him and ask him this question:

"What's going to happen to me now that I don't believe anymore?"

"Well, you won't be with God when you die..." - he muttered.

"So where will I be then?"

"You know. In hell"

"Why can't you just tell me straight that you believe that I will be suffering forever? Is that what you believe?"

"Yes, I do."

"And what have I done to deserve this? Do you think this is justice? Does eternal torture look like mercy to you?"

"Look, I didn't come up with this. It's what the bible says. I'm just teling you what the bible says!"

"But it's you who is spreading this, not the bible. Do you have any proof that hell, or god exists? Or that he intends to put anybody in hell?"

"I don't need proof! If you want proof, then go read what the bible says! And than decide for yourself if this is true!"

And I was dumbstruck. So much fucking and utter nonsense condensed in so few sentences. I could write a whole book tearing down just this one paragraph. This guy is in my house. And he's threatening me that his god will make me suffer. And than he refuses to give me any evidence that it's true. And then he points me to a book... He's suggesting that it only takes seeing something written down, to prove that this thing exists... I was speachless. I was aware that people this clueless exist, but it's always a marvel to encounter such a specimen and interact with it. To hear the words so offensively stupid being actually spoken in front of you by a person who actually takes it seriously. A person who seems educated and literate.

I try to calm down and be reasonable about it. Of course if you could reason with a believer, he would seize being a believer. That's what Hugh Laurie said. And I know it's true, because it happened to me.
I said to him:
"Listen, motherfucker. Do you know what faith is? It is feeling. A fucking EMOTION! It's a thing outside of your will that you cannot control. It's like hunger or sadness or a boner. You don't decide if you want to be sad, hungry or when you want to bang a bunch of teenage waitressess in the tits. Those things occur when certain conditions are met. You. Cannot. control. goddamn. feelings.

You cannot stop being hundry just by wanting it.

You cannot stop being sad on command.

And you could not decide to keep your dick limp if some hot lass shoved your face between her tits.

The same is with faith. When certain conditions are present you either believe something or not. You cannot start believing in Santa Claus again. So why are you expecting me to believe what I cannot believe, if that is something I could not do even if I wanted to! In order to believe I need fucking evidence! I need proof that your bullshit has anything to it! Give me good evidence and than maybe you will meet the conditions for my brain to believe in god again! Just give me something I could hold on to! Something I could touch or see or experience! Do you have something like that, bitch?"

"Well, if you want this kind of evidence, than you surely wont find it..."

"And what does that tell you?"

"Erm... That what we do have should be enough for you to believe?"

"No. No you fucking tool. It means that you are spreading offensive and harmful rumors and you didn't even bother to check if they are true. This is called gossiping. And it also means that I have no reason to believe you. And you have no right to spread this bullshit."

"Hey! Are you against freedom of speech? You want to take away my rights to free speech?"

"Playing the victim card already? No, of course you have the right to speak anything you want. But if you care for things like truth and morality, than you should shut your fucking trap and think. You said that god will punish me for my unbelief. And since belief is an emotion and I have no control over it, that means that I will be judged on a basis of my feelings and not my actions. He will condemn me because I am unable to believe. And I am unable to believe because he didn't provide any valid proof that could help me believe. So god is ultimately responsible for my lack of belief and now he will dump all the responsibility on me and cast me into hell for eternal damnaton and torture, while you will be singing and dancing and getting pussy and sucking Jesus Christs's dick in heaven just because you are dumb enough to buy this load of crap and never question it. Is that correct?"

"Well, if you reject the evidence..."

"I REJECT the evidence? The same evidence you yourself admitted doesn't even exist?"

"Listen, god knows what he's doing. I'm just his messenger..."

"Cut that crap and answer me! Will your god torture me forever because I am unable to believe in him? Do I deserve eternal suffering because I am unable to believe?!! Come on, tell me, you bitch! Do you think I deserve it?!!"

"Yes! You deserve eternal flame and damnation for rejecting your lord and savior Jesus Christ who died on a cross for your sins!"

This is what happens every time. They just snap and start reciting the same catchphrases. And then he goes on:

"Try to underdtand me. Even without evidence you have to consider that if God exists, than you are in terrible danger and you have to take it into account! You cannot prove that this is a lie, so there is a possibility that it's true! And if there is any possibility of hell you have to treat it as an absolute certainty!"

...

...

Yes. He really fucking said that.

You heard the same logic in Batman V Superman, and you probably facepalmed, shaked your head and laughed. And here this guy is using the same logic in real life and he means every word...

Oh fuck my life. The people I have to deal with.

So I said to him:
"So why aren't you preparing for an incoming alien invasion?

"Wait, what?"

" The alien invasion from a distant panet. You cannot prove that there arent any warmongering aliens hellbent on world domination, heading our way, so you better start worrying, because it is also a possibility."

I almost expected him to think a little over this before replying, but it wasn't his thinking day apparently, as he immediatelly said:
"What? No! No! that is a very bad comparison! This is totally different! Those two scenarios are in no way similar! It's unfair! You can't make that argument!"

"Oh yeah? than what is so different about it?"

He took a breath in. I grabbed my chair, I was expecting the worst.

"Well, it's obviously nonsense and you have no proof that aliens even exist! Why would I waste my time considering something that is so unprobable! I could not believe this even if I tried!"

The moment he said that a thunder struck. The door was kicked in with a force so great that they hit the wall o the opposite side. We all gasped as the sillouette of a man appeared before our eyes and entered the kitchen. And we both knew the man.
It was Christopher Hitchens. He was rolling in his grave so much that he rose from the dead. And now he came here.
He approached my guest, who was white on his face, unable to move.
YOU!
that was what we heard right before Christopher Hitchens grabbed this guy by the shirt and raised him up. Than he smashed his nose flat with one swing of his shiny bald head. Than he started spitting in his eyes like a machine gun until the saliva was dripping all over his face down his shirt and on the floor...
Than he started tearing him to shreds limb after limb after limb, screaming: "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH" And suddenly they both exploded.

Yeah, okay, Okay, that thing right there didn't really happen. I just kind of wish it did. If there was any justice in the world, this is what should happen.
But yeah this all didn't went quite like this.
There was a bit less swearing and drama. But those are the emotions I feel every time I think about those events. So I write how I feel about this conversation and not how it actually went. Except for the arguments that this guy was using. Those are pretty accurate here. He really was that dumb.

I can't believe I used to be this guy. So many years I was believing the same shit. Religion has stolen a third of my life from me, turnin me into a fucking fanatic. It took me so lon to snap out and I am so frustrated to be finally free from this nonsense but have my friends and my wife still under the ifluence of this mind control cult. It makes me so fucking angry I can't sleep at night. I'm writing this down so I can get it off my chest. Few people understand what I'm going through, so I often have no one to talk to. And when I try to talk to my wife about it it always ends with a huge fight. She believes this shit so much she refuses to ever question anything.
So I'm writing it down. Like I said, the situation was actually pretty civil. But if I really said to him what I felt that day, I would tell him this:

"Fuck you! Fuck your god! Fuck his bastard son! And fuck that third twat in the ass with a nine inch nail dildo! They can all kiss each other in the ass so hard that they form a trinitarian human centipede! Fuck your fucking god and fuck his perverted fake love, fuck his injustice and fuck him in the eyesocket the cruel and dumb motherfucker! And fuck you also you thoughtless motherfucking shill for spewing this bullshit and taking no responsibility for it!
Just get the fuck out of my house, get cancer and die alone!
Wanker!

Yes, I really needed this. It's good to be free, but fredom comes with a price. And I'm happy to pay, even though it's not easy. I'm still recovering from years of indoctrination and I'm not exactly emotionally stable yet. So bear with me.