Engineer Harmony: Save Time and Money by Reducing Conflict Part 2: 4 Attitudes to Assess (Yours First, Theirs Second) By Darrell Becker

In Part 1 you learned how to use a quick visualization exercise to achieve some needed moments of internal harmony and balance, to allow for better decision making, thus potentially saving you time and money by avoiding unnecessary words, tension or bridges that are burnt.
This is Part 2, the second key to keeping balanced in any interaction with people, whether typed or in person. I’m going to show you how to assess your own attitudes along four different parameters. After you assess these attitudes within yourself, and consider whether it pays to reconsider and potentially change any of these attitudes (Hint: it always does), you can begin to assess the potential attitudes of someone you are communicating with. For the purpose of clarity, emotions and feelings are synonymous in this essay. This is an exercise in firm decisiveness, which is why I am asking the reader to choose A or B, NOT some aspects from A and some from B. Consider how it helps to be decisive, commit to a choice, and follow through to see HOW the attitudes and actions served you to help you get to your goals.

Responsibility: Regarding my own Internal Emotional (and Intellectual) Responsibility (meaning the ability to respond, I am NOT meaning an obligation to perform in some way) the responsibility belongs to [Pick A or B Only]:
A. Me, because my emotions and thoughts are (seemingly) created by my values, desires, needs and motives. I can know, understand and consciously shift what I value and desire eventually, with deeper work. For starters I can identify these factors that shape my internal emotional and intellectual terrain, followed by finding and taking action which leads to predicted and desired results. I own my attention span, and it seems that I’m in a voluntary situation at almost all times, able to figure out how to respond to people and my environment in a way that helps me achieve my goals.
Operant Phrase: “I noticed that when _______ happened, I felt (insert actual emotions, preferably one of the 5 core emotions, i.e. Happy, Sad, Angry, Fearful, Ashamed) and I had thoughts about ________. I will use this observation to help me achieve my goal of (X).” (Use Part 1 to “solve for X” and find an effective strategy to deal with the scenario.)

B. Them or they or external events, because I have concluded that I am powerless to control my emotions (and/or thoughts) except by denying, repressing or hiding from my feelings, due to a lack of knowing and connecting my values, desires, needs and motives (which combine with what I observe) as the way my feelings and thoughts are created. I don’t think that I’m in a voluntary situation, therefore I don’t own my attention span (and it seems that I have somehow become a “captive audience”), and I don’t know of a way to create a predicted and desired result regarding my feelings and thoughts.
Operant Phrase: “They (or this) made me feel _______! F*** them (or that)!”

1.  Benevolence: Regarding my attitude toward myself and the other person(s), I will [Pick A or B Only]:
   

A. Assume that I intend to work toward creating good times for myself and the other person. I choose to Assume Benevolence, on my part.
B. The other person(s) is (or are) the enemy. Worst case scenario: I assume that I am the enemy, as well as them. This is known as “Enemy Imagery”.

1.  Flexibility: Regarding how much is known and how much is left to be discovered concerning the interaction, people, situation and scenario unfolding in front of me, I will [Pick A or B Only]:
   

A. Choose the Discovery Perspective, keeping an open mind, as I did when I
was a child, when I was a student of life (or when I learned from a profoundly effective mentor or teacher), and I will seek to know more. I am curious, and will continue to collect and analyze information until the moment when I choose to take action. After I take action (including the action of delivering words to someone else), I will continue keeping the Discovery Perspective.
Operant Phrase: “The story I tell myself about _______ is that they are______......However, I could be missing crucial, useful data regarding them and the situation which is unfolding or what has happened. I will keep an open mind, and look at new information as it comes in, so as to help me make action choices (including words I choose to say/write) which can help me achieve my goals.”

B. Choose the Know-It-All Perspective, like a professor who is unwilling to
look at new evidence regarding his field of study, because of the possibility (or extreme likelihood) of that evidence changing my conclusions and beliefs.
Operant Phrase: “I know your kind of people! Your people are all______! The case is closed, as far as I’m concerned.”

1.  Action Choices: Regarding my choice of strategy that I intend to employ, I will [Pick A or B only]:
   

A. Choose to find, create and implement a Win/Win strategy, whereby everyone can be pleased, or at least satisfied, with the outcomes. If the other person thinks that they have lost, it’s likely this will add tension and create a set-up for future conflict, which is counter productive to my goals.
B. Choose to find, create and implement a Win/Lose strategy, because I want to win, and the only way to win is for them to lose, in this particular situation.

        After assessing my attitudes in this way, and considering whether or not it might benefit me to change any of my attitudes from B to A, I assess the other person. This is data which I try to discover, which can be gained by asking questions and looking at evidence, such as looking over an email thread or analyzing actions done by the other person(s). If you conclude that the person(s) you are talking with are using B-type attitudes this helps you make a cost/benefit analysis of dealing with them. This is often done as a Pro/Con list of following through on the interaction, business arrangement, or negotiation. When you are analyzing the other person, please consider that they might be flexible (or become more flexible) on each of these choices of attitudes, especially regarding 3. Flexibility, depending on how the interactions go for them. It often pays to put some amount of effort in to see if there is any degree of curiosity or open-mindedness regarding each attitude of the other person.
        Please keep in mind, the objective is to use these methods to find more ways of creating the desired outcomes in a given scenario, and it is important to recognize where the “sphere of control” is most likely higher, such as within ourselves, and where the “sphere of control” is lower, such as within anyone else. People are similar to forces of nature, and as such are generally not forces that can be manipulated and controlled without great cost to internal and interpersonal harmony, respect and goodwill. In Part 3 I will give you specific word and phrase choices that can be considered to deliver higher likelihoods of success with each interaction.