Full post: https://steemit.com/contest/@calluna/a-song-that-shaped-you-bananafish-flash-contest-entry

The bit that matters:

Song: Soft Smoke
Album: Hot Pink
Artist: The Pink Spiders

“With your back to the wall you’re going to be the lonely one, if you dance all night, you’re going to be loved.”

And that’s what I wanted. So that’s what I did, and that line stays with me, sitting on the sidelines only excludes myself. I am replaceable, someone else will dance all night, it’s up to me if I want that to be me or not. Then, it meant braving talking to people at other schools, going on dates, going to parties with them, and eventually, I found a place. Now, it’s a reminder that when I don’t feel welcome, when people tell me they’d prefer someone else and don’t even realize why that might hurt my feelings, that standing with my back to the wall might mean no one can stab it, it might seem safe, but I won’t have fun there. Got to take the risk and put myself out there if I want the payoff. Get back to dancing Cal.

“Don't know where to start, you're breaking my heart, how's anybody supposed to love you, baby till you do?”

I often need a good shake on self-acceptance, but what I love abut this phrase, is it gives me a way to approach it. I am making myself hard to love, I need to make myself easy to love. By focusing on the reasons I don’t like myself, I am making them big, and big to other people too. If I want other people to accept me, I have to. It’s the first two lines that really make it hit home for me. Where do you start loving someone who is a big ball of self-hate, they have to give you an in, and it is heart breaking. It was breaking my heart too, and hearing that, just hit me like a truck, and somehow still does. There were a lot of lines, in a lot of songs, that for better or for worse, I took to heart and lived by, and it gave me the confidence to defy some of the norms around me, and I found freedom in a lack of acceptance that let me be myself, and through that, people who did want me, who I wasn’t replaceable to. This one comes back to me, and I am so glad it does, I can't ignore it.

_{I just wanted to join in to promote both the contest, and the band, so count me out of the prize pot ;)}