Friend-Zoned!

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Momma says A woman should never be the first to make a move, she says, If I tell him how I feel about him I’d lose him and even if he tries to have something with me, it wont last and he wont value me. "But you kids of nowadays won't listen, you think you know better. There’s a reason why he should be the one to show special interest and give you gifts and call you more often. Men don’t like it easy” she says," they prefer to work hard to get what they want, and when they do they value it". I get her point. But haven’t times changed?

Last month at Aunty Oma’s wedding anniversary, she told us her her husband didn’t have the courage to approach her and when she walked up to him everything fell into place. Maybe, he doesn’t have courage. What if he’s scared of rejection as much as I am? No! I don’t think this is a case of lacking courage, because yesterday night under the dim street lights in the estate where we sat and watched nocturnes ignorantly go about their business, he told me he felt he could tell me anything, anything at all and if he really feels more for me, isn’t this something to tell?

We met at my favorite spot, an old children’s park in our estate, with swings that were strong enough to carry me. I was reading Norwegian wood by Haruki Murakami. I was so lost in my book that I didn’t hear him walk up to me. “Hi” he said, and without bothering to smile, he told me he’d seen me there a couple of times and he just came to find out what I was reading, but he was leaving because he had read the book. And that was how we clicked. We agreed to meet there the next Friday where he’d give me another book by the same author, and that’s how we started being friends.

I remember the other sunday at the beach, in a quiet area away from the crowd playing, kids building sand houses, men playing volleyball, ladies on donkies, we talked about our dreams and everything was beautiful. He told me how he wanted to be an artist but his dad wouldn’t hear of it. I told him how much I wanted to be writer, to write about many things, especially the things we feel but don’t admit but I had to put school first because my mum really works hard to make sure I complete my schooling. He told me that that shouldn’t be all I write about, that I could write about nature and beautiful scenery. I agreed with him. He took my hand and everything went silent. I could hear my heart beat. I leaned on his shoulder and I can remember feeling like our heartbeats rhymed.

He told me he valued our friendship and how I’m his best friend. I wonder why he can’t see that I want more. I want to be the one he dreams about, the one he’s in love with. I’m tired of waiting for him to see me. How can one be so close and yet so far away? We’re close, yes, but sometimes it feels like he’s somewhere else, somewhere he wants to be alone. He seems to have a wall built around him and I feel like I’m on the other side of this wall I keep screaming in my mind “Let me in” but he doesn’t hear me. I’m going to keep trying, until I break this wall down, and assure him that we’d be just fine together, that is why, tonight, I’m going to forget what momma said, I’d tell him how I feel.

As we sat there on the swing this evening, my heart beat so fast I felt like hushing it and then somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I told him I love him, but he laughed it off. I looked at him again and told him once more that I love him more than normal friends should and he looked away. "Please don’t lock me out", I prayed in my mind, wishing I had kept my mouth shut. “I love you” he replied, and in that moment I felt the walls crashing, I could swear my heart stopped for a moment. Then he continued “but just not in that way”.

And in that moment, I saw the walls being replaced with iron bars, I screamed and kicked. “But we can still be friends right? I asked. He said of course we are friends and he stood to leave and that was when I knew, we wouldn’t be seeing each other next Friday. Momma was right .

This is an entry for STEEMIT VIRUS CONTEST #3; Awarding Creativity organised by @steemit-virus an initiative of @gbenga.