What's the coolest trash talk that has occurred via letters?
What's the coolest trash talk that has occurred via letters?
I am shocked this isn’t on the list yet…
In 1676, the Ottoman Empire was still in its glory days. Their mighty army instilled fear in even the most powerful monarchs of Europe, whom could only fight on equal footing by banding together in Holy League coalitions.
Yet despite all their strength, the Ottomans were having trouble dealing with the unruly Cossacks that dominated the fertile lands of Ukraine along their northern borders. Proud, martial, and egalitarian, the Cossacks defied all established authority and social norms in their libertarian pursuit of independence and self-reliance. They did not care for the “rules of warfare” and fought a guerrilla-esque war with the Ottomans in countless raids and skirmishes, and by that point the Sultan had enough of their nuisance.
At the time, the bulk of the Ottoman army was preparing for the Vienna campaign, which would become the high water mark of Ottoman expansion into Europe. Not keen to split his resources, Sultan Mehmed IV decided to attempt to awe the Cossacks instead. Thus the Sultan sent a letter to Otaman Ivan Sirko of the Zaporozhian Cossacks, demanding the latter submit to the Ottoman Empire and become a vassal state:
As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the sun and moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, never defeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; trustee chosen by God Himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians – I command you, the Zaporogian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without any resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks.
The Cossacks, however, had zero respect for such lofty lineages and titles. Their entire society and culture was built upon a disdain for “traditional society” and its petty aristocracy. Many of their members were former serfs/slaves who escaped to seek the freedom of living their own life. They admired the nomadic ways and the idea that anyone could earn a name for themselves through strength and resourcefulness.
Thus, they decided to respond to Sultan Mehmed IV in true Cossack fashion — with a deluge of taunts, insults, and threats:
O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are you, who cannot slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. You shall not, you son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with you, fuck your mother.
You Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screwing your own mother!
So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife, that you won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!
It’s only fair to say at this point that the original letter was never found. The Cossacks were also not interested in the bureaucracy of traditional societies such as thorough record-keeping. It is unknown how much of the reply is historical and how much of it came from the embellishment of folk legends. Nevertheless, the story endures as one of the most classic examples of the Cossack spirit.
For those who find the original reply a bit rambling, there is also the shortened version that Paradox Interactive came up with as a game trailer, complete with matching art and music! Though in my opinion, it’s just not the same without that second paragraph in its full glory, turning around every one of the Sultan’s many titles and mocking him with it.
In the year 1676 Denmark-Norway declared war upon Sweden, in order to take back the lands they lost in the peace of 1658 and an army from Norway laid siege to Bohus fortress. At Bohus fortress, the 78 year old Lieutenant General Harald Stake was commanding. A hero of the 30 years war he was at this time still going strong albeit stiff and sore of joint, among other things it is said he even lead a charge on horseback, despite the fact that he had to be lifted into the saddle.
His opponent was the danish General and Governor in Norway Ulrik Frederik Gyldenløve (a bastard half brother of King Kristian V of Denmark). A while after the episode mentioned above, he had a letter delivered to Stake, demanding his prompt surrender of the fortress. It should be understood that Bohus was at this time the lock that would keep an army that invaded from Norway from roaming free in Bohus county and Västergötland. General Stake replied with a letter of his own, only containing a poem (if we're generous). In modern swedish it went something like this.
Sittande skitande fick jag ert brev,
Ju mera jag läste, ju mera det drev,
Marken var bar där fanns inte ett löv,
Då tog jag ert brev, och torkade min röv.
A literal translation wouldn't make the original justice, but an attempt to translate the meaning without losing all resemblance with the original might sound something like this.
Sitting shitting I received thy letter
The more I read, the shitting went better
The ground was bare, the leafs were scarce
So I took your letter, and wiped my arse
With such a poet at the helm, the defence of Bohus fortress was of course successful (that surrender was out of the question was probably immediately clear to the attentive reader). Unfortunately Harald Stake passed away the year after, in 1677. The Danes returned to lay unsuccessful siege on Bohus castle in 1678, before peace was signed in Lund in 1679.
Sources: Memory of books read in the far past, wikipedia, Tore Hartung
Edit: Slightly updated “poem” translation to better fit with the more coarse tone in the original.