Remembrance of Tax Days Past, by Tim-Jimmy Lipschitz

https://www.newsbtc.com/2018/04/15/two-days-u-s-tax-filing-deadline-large-majority-crypto-holders-not-reported-investments/

NewsBTC reports that as of 4/15/18, fewer than 100 out of the 250,000 most recent tax filers using the platform Credit Karma have reported capital gains on their cryptocurrency investments. Frankly, it's a disgrace. One should be so lucky to have bestowed upon them the holy civic duty we all share in this Greatest Country in the World(TM), that duty of all duties, the duty to stick it to the man and pocket your profits. 80 or 90-some-odd drones sneer actually came clean, helplessly confiding their income to the proper authorities, displaying a textbook case of a psychological condition commonly referred to as "weakness".

You see, high up in the furthest reaches of the IRS's gnarled Tax Tower of Terror, their all-seeing flaming eyeball views crypto as "property", making its exchange a possible "taxable event", which would make perfect sense, if only all the bitcorns on the supernet weren't actually owned by top secret anon haxxor BiTdRaGoN, huddled under a thin layer of Cheeto dust in his basement lair. Really, we're all constantly at his mercy, it's a miracle you're even alive to read this. His powers are beyond compare: level 99 nacho microwaver, level 97 donut dexterity, level 85 joystick handler, and don't even get me started on his hardware setup. I said, "Don't EVEN get me started ..."

Whew, dodged a bullet there. We could have been here all day.

Despite the clearly loony premise, "experts" seem to suggest that crypto investors already have a high risk tolerance, so they'd be more willing to run the risk of an audit. Ha, you think an audit scares me?!* Cryptocurrency is the fullest expression of the free and not-technically-prosperous American Dream. And since your precious Wheels of Justice have slowed to a pathetic crawl, we're in the Mad Max of the digital money world right now. As we all dream for greener retirements and college educations beyond the horizon, a few brave souls set out on their crypto-bikes across the Great Candlechart Desert on a maddening, impossibly tense chase in search of Lambo Land, only to realize they're too late, or maybe they chose the wrong path. Defeated, these tortured souls are doomed to return to their normal lives, still lorded over by Brian, Mister "perpetual Snapchats of sailing the SS Told Ya So to his chateau in the Caymans".

It just goes to show, that tale as old as time of "only invest as much money as you can afford to lose" is complete horse hockey. Put it all on red, and maybe you'll get lucky, or maybe not. Either way, it's guaranteed to be the rollercoaster ride of your life, so stock up on the pizza and ice cream. That way, you could be celebrating with a bit of nostalgic grade-school-birthday-party fun, or be just alone with your thoughts, in the dark, just you and the soft glow of the television, your soaps and The Price is Right, whatever's on, it doesn't matter. What's the point in tasting anymore? The pizza's long gone cold, and you've lost track of how many empty cartons and grease-stained boxes marked the days gone past. Or was it weeks? They're all just numbers, invented units flying haplessly by, while we struggle to make sense of the void in our bank accounts.

You've just been visited by the ghost of crypto future. I bid you a fond merry Christmas, crypturds. It looks like that prophetic token-hog has seen his shadow, and we're in for six more weeks of digital winter. But hey, I guess that means buying season is on. Say, would you happen to have any spare change?

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*attn. IRS: an audit scares me. Wait...no it doesn't, HAHA... Why would I be scared when I have absolutely nothing to hide????????

DISCLAIMER: This is not financial advice, nor really any kind of advice. Wait, why are you reading this? Perhaps, dear Aquarius, you must be mindful of your passion, lest it obstruct the flow of positive energy into your wallet-heart. Listen to your inner spirit whale, and just pick something to believe in already.