Try not to beat yourself up for being depressed. That is a vicious circle. I know giving that advice is counter intuitive since it is hard to stop yourself from doing that to yourself - I know, I do it - and some people will then even beat themselves up for beating themselves up, but you don't have to. I don't know exactly what happened but it wouldn't have been that bad that you should be beating yourself up about it even if you feel that you deserve it - you don't. Brains and especially overthinkers' brains just punish themselves that way.
It's good you are doing something to overcome the depression. You said you have suffered from it for a long time though. Have you tried getting help? Sometimes psychologists or psychiatrists can help quite a bit. Sometimes being human they can say the wrong thing and make it worse etc but sometimes they can help, especially if you don't even really know why you are depressed / anxious etc in the first place. I've been both helped and negatively affected by psychologists before but the one that helped helped a lot. I haven't seen a psychiatrist before but I will be seeing one in a couple of months so I can't comment on psychiatrists but that's for a different reason anyway. I don't know how much financial help you get where you are getting access to mental health practitioners but I found a psychologist did help me in one of my worst times so I thought I would suggest maybe it might help you too if you can manage to see one. I'm not doing perfectly now but I'm doing better than I was and I definitely benefited from the one that helped me. Keep in mind, when they do help it can help a lot, but they aren't all perfect either. One recently dismissed concerns I had as something trivial (and a fault in my character) and actually restarted doubt and negative self talk in my head that I had stopped inflicting on myself previously. You might encounter stuff like this and it is harsh but it is worth it if the next person you see is the one who helps you work everything out and actually helps you. Just something to think about. I know you might have already gone through this process, but I just wanted to suggest it in case you hadn't and it might help.
I have mixed feelings concerning psychologists/psychiatrists. I have had good psychologists who really helped, but I had a very negative experience as my first experience with the mental health industry.
I was institutionalized against my will for almost a month when I was 15. During this time I was diagnosed with a combination of borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. These are classified as "basic personality disorders" they are akin to sociopathy and untreatable. For this reason, I thought for years that I was basically a monster. The entire experience was quite traumatic and truly I'm not over it to this day.
I also disapprove of the industry habit of prescribing pills with dangerous side effects that are often worse than the condition you are being treated for. So far all psychiatric medicines have made me worse.
I don't believe all mental health professionals are bad, I just have trouble trusting them due to my past and this is a serious hindrance to actually getting help. So far, the only thing that has helped me is introspection, goal setting, and action.
All that being said, I do appreciate your comment and your sincere attempt to help.
That sounds like it would have been hard. I have heard of bpd before. It has actually popped up before on the odd occasion I have thought "What the fuck is wrong with me?" and googled what I was experiencing / my "symptoms". It would be hard being institutionalised and I can see why that would turn people off of seeking people in same profession to help them. I have researched foster care before and I want to do respite foster care (taking care of foster kids about a weekend a month to give the normal foster parents a break or taking in foster kids while the normal foster family goes on holiday if the biological parent's said no to the kid leaving the state etc) and I've read some pretty saddening stuff about it and I do feel sorry for some of the kids as some do end up stuck either being institutionalised or in state homes because no foster family can handle their behaviour (which is a result of what they have been through). It's a sad world sometimes and I'm sorry to hear you had to go through what you did and I don't blame you for having trouble trusting mental health professionals.
I don't trust all of them. This last person made me feel like shit about myself temporarily and then once I realised she was wrong, just made me feel angry that she made me feel that way. The person I saw before was good and helped me a lot. The person I need to see (the actual psychiatrist not psychologist) I am hoping is good because I'm in the opposite boat - without a diagnosis, it suggests the issues I'm having are a fault with me and my personality and I just fail at it all. It's a reflection on my personality and myself and my ability to just manage life - to "adult" if you prefer - if there isn't anything else to cause it, but I think there is. If my first experience was with the person I most recently saw and I didn't have the experience of working with the other psychologist, I wouldn't give up because I feel this is something I need to be assessed for, but I would be less trusting of the profession in general, so I get how people get distrusting of them.
As for medication, I think that comes down to a "it's complicated". In my potential situation, reading people's stories it seems like the pros outweigh the cons, but I would personally prefer to medicate "as needed" (which apparently some people do) if I was allowed rather than constantly as there still are cons some people experience, like reduction in creativity and "not feeling like yourself". I have a cousin with the same thing I suspect I have and he was medicated as a child and he hates medication. I don't know his reasoning, but he is adamantly against it. I would be hoping for cbt, medication and strategies to manage the symptoms in my case. I think medication would help if I'm right about what I'm experiencing but I wouldn't like being given no strategies other than medication. I think there needs to be a wider approach to these things than just "take these". Medication isn't always the best strategy and it isn't for everyone.
Sorry to hear about your depression and your past. It's good that you are working your way out of depression by keeping on and not letting it beat you. I don't understand what it feels like what you've been through - I can guess but I haven't experienced that myself so I don't know -
but I do understand the issue with trusting them. I hope what you are doing works for you and helps you.