Why I Welcome Living On Less

Perhaps it’s because I have always been a good saver, perhaps it’s because money has always been seen as a practical means for me, but right now I welcome the fact that for four months I will be living on the money I already have. For the next four months I am unemployed. This scares me a little, but I can see this is something that had to happen, a fait accompli if you will.

I first wrote about my inability to accept I had mental health issues here.

I’ve been a grade school teacher for 25 years and in the last six months I actually reached the point where I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t sleep, I got an illness that even after four months I couldn’t shake, I felt despondent, anxious, tearful, depressed and dare I even say it, even suicidal at times.

I became a person I couldn’t even recognise.

My job had beaten me.

Being a highly-strung personality I couldn’t even entertain the idea of not working. It’s not that I thought I was irreplaceable, it’s that I had the stiff upper lip notion that I should just battle through my pain. Put on my actor’s face, my happy, jolly, I’ve got this type face.

But the cracks developed. I was so sick I couldn’t speak in full sentences to the students, my mouth was dry, my heart racing and I knew, something had to give. My body and my head were falling to pieces.

It has never been about the students. I have always loved kids. But in an over-stuffed, tiny little room, filled with 31 high and special needs children, no assistance, a full-time load, no cooling system in 45 degree heat, and departmental edicts coming at me left right and centre, something was broken. It was me, I was broken.

I signed off for a whole two terms. I found a great psychologist and let the people around me do things for me. I didn’t have to be in control 100% of the time anymore. The fact that I have always been a saver meant that despite having no sick-leave left, I could still look after myself and my family financially. Never had I been more grateful for being a person who bought things only as truly required. Not spending a week’s pay on takeaway coffees over the years, or wasteful superfluous extras, meant that now, in my real time of need, I would be ok.

What I also welcomed is that now, I am able to focus on other things, separate to grading papers and ticking boxes for departmental heads in their beautifully air-conditioned offices. I can focus on my real needs. I can read. I can write. I can talk and tend to my vegetable garden and compost heap. I can prepare loving dishes for my family, walk the dog, find alternate possibilities for work that might mean I never have to return to teaching.

Up to 50% of teachers in my country quit within the first 5 years according to an Australia-wide report in 2017, so having given it a good shot of 25 years I can hold my head fairly high and say I tried.

But something else has come of all this. I don’t care what other people think, not really, but it did sit in the back of my mind that perhaps I could have done better. What happened strangely, is that people I know through my teaching have come up to me, congratulated me and encouraged me. They’ve told me how much they wish other teachers would take a long hard look at themselves and accept when they were tired, over it, not coping. I haven’t had one person point the finger and come out with that stupid saying,” Teachers, pooh. They only work from 9 until 3. And all those holidays they get, what've they got to be stressed about?”

And whilst I don’t really care about the opinions of others, they don’t really know me or what my life is like, it is nice to get some validation now and then. If they say different in private — well I couldn’t give two hoots.

But in the meantime, I’m going to talk to my kale, water my radishes and read some more of my book.

Ain’t no-one going to make me feel guilty about that.