(RANT) Outsider looking in...

Hi,

Ever feel you are alone and unwanted? As if people around you really don't care? Like if you were to cease living all that'll do to those around you is just trouble them with funeral and stuff like that? As if there is no real loss for them?

I feel like that all the time and with good reason. I think I'll go on a quick rant.

My significant other and I kept to ourselves all our lives and didn't mingle with family or friends much growing up. We wanted to be social, but the two of us were just so comfortable with each other that we didn't have much motivation to mingle with others. That is until the universe stole me of my SO.

I opened up a bit to family after my SO's passing, more as an excuse not to go insane. I thought of it as a quaint distraction. The nephews probably cared at all about me only because they got access to games through me. Xbox, PlayStation, Wii, PC etc. The younger one doesn't even remember my SO. For a while their parents, my brother and sister, were like "don't be a stranger" but the novelty of me being a survivor soon wore off. Parents try to be caring the most, but the impact of loss is lessened by my survival. Ultimately they siphon off all the money they can and get lost in their own health issues in their advanced ages without a care that I have not nor will ever recover from my bereavement.

I've outlived my purpose. I shower them with gifts on birthdays and other holidays and that's enough for them. As long as I was there as a financial source, it was enough for most of them. They don't even talk to me for weeks even though nephews stay over frequently and parents lives with me. Not even a simple "hi..." This is ironic considering how everyone was telling me not to close off from those around me and to mingle with them in those days when I was falling deeper and deeper into depression, but looking at it they didn't really mean it. They just didn't want to go through the trouble of dealing with another one passing away. Yes, there were suicide attempts, but not important right now. The family dynamics they have among each other is strong and surreal to me. It is probably my fault for not being part of it growing up. I'm supposedly part of the family, but I'm an outsider looking in.

Then there are the friends. Several of them I lost because they couldn't handle me as someone who lost a significant other. They didn't want to be sensitive about it and felt it better to cease contact altogether. There are very few who stuck together even knowing I'm not whole anymore. Most of them just wanted to ignore my SO ever existed. Surely I can't do that, my SO will come up in conversations if you expect to me my friend.

So I exist outside of family and friends circle. Just belonging to these groups in name alone as an outsider wandering about trying to put life together to realize my SO's dreams.

So, are you an outsider looking in too? Sorry for the grim post. I'm just feeling melancholic.