RE: The Art Of Reciprocity
Glad you asked @humanearl.
Obviously, not everyone has been blessed with a happy home – with patient, loving, attentive parents.
I did resent for years but when i found God i forgave them.
I used to hate my parents.
I despised them. I blamed them for most of my issues.
I couldn’t do what I wanted to do in life because they would disapprove of it. I couldn’t be a cop or firefighter because those professions didn’t make enough money. I could only study a major that would be beneficial in getting me a job and not one that they thought was pointless, such as psychology or sociology.
I hated my dad for never being there when I was a child. I hated him for always getting angry with me and yelling at me and making me go to my room to cry by myself.
I now Allow people to evolve and change. And i remind myself that parents are people too. Some parents were horrible at parenting but not so bad as friends to their adult children.
I currently try not to judge the current reality against the context of the past. Instead, try to accept things as they are today.
Another thing i later saw and that changed my mindset was that their parents were like that too. We reap what we sow. And we also “reap” the traits that our parents “sowed ” as they raised us except we have a mindset restructuring. We are products of both parental successes and mistakes.
And while we can always learn and grow, most people seem to live on automatic pilot. So, most of us are something within a stones throw of our parents’ behaviors, attitudes and habits. Likewise, mom and dad are products of their parent’s parenting too.
My relationship with him changed dramatically after sometime.
It isn’t super intimate but it’s better than it ever was. My father has said “I love you” to me without me saying it first. We smile at each other and have made each other laugh.
Just to add to what you have said.
This can be a hard pill to swallow. Still, it’s important to stop blaming your parents for current problems. Did they lay the foundation for the problem? Perhaps. But it’s yours now. That’s the inescapable bottom line of it.
You make the decision every day to hold on or let go. That’s your decision only. Accept that as fact. Own it completely and release your parents from the responsibility you’ve pinned to their shoulders for too long.
Don’t get me wrong, here. I am not suggesting your past is your fault. I’m saying that your present is the result of choices you have made, as you have allowed your past to influence them.
This step is admittedly difficult, but it is empowering and liberating once it’s fully accepted and internalized.
I am who I choose to be. I feel what I choose to feel by choosing what thoughts I choose to harbor and how I choose to think about things. I choose to learn ways to change my thinking and interpretations of life or I choose not to. These are all my choices. And they are yours too.
Final word on this point: Your parents may be responsible for creating the emotional context. You are responsible for keeping that context alive. So stop feeding it and let it wither on the vine.
Wow @eveokonma. It takes alot of courage to voice what you said. That's a difficult place to be. I can't even imagine what that was like for you since both of my parents have always been around for me.
My parents have been there and continue to help me in many ways. For that I am thankful. I wourldn't go that far to say I resent my parents for not encouraging me to develop my skills and gifts and to go for what I wanted. But I can tell you this. I think about it almost every day.
In fact I remember very vividly my mother telling me to give up music because it wasn't a real job and people didn't make money doing this. This has hurt me for years now. At this point I am here and like @georgechuks stated, I have to embrace the fact that I'm in a rut and work to get myself out. That is exactly what I am doing now.