My Personal Story of Sexual Abuse in My Family - Part 11 - The Nightmares of a Child - Inside the Kaleidoscope
Before I get into this post too deep, I wish to express my sincere thanks to All of you for your prayers and encouraging words of comfort, clarity and inner peace in the writing of this series. It is manifesting beautifully! I was able last night to relive this entire episode of my life without fear or anxiety. I even managed to stop the spinning of the Kaleidoscope. Instead of my dad comforting me, I was able to go in as an adult and rescue that child and hold her and comfort her. As I am writing this, I am feeling a clarity and sense of well-being that gets stronger by the moment.
Matthew 18:20 - "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
My only struggle in today's post was how to word this and my next post in a way that would cater to the younger audience who need to relive this with me for their own healing of the Inner Child. The sooner we can help these youth, the sooner they can learn to heal themselves, the quicker their lives will change for the better.
Reliving this incident is one reason I think I probably was sexually abused and the Kaleidoscope nightmares stemmed from blacking out and just kept repeating itself as another repressed memory.
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Imagine, if you can, being tossed into a giant Kaleidoscope at the age of 4 years old and seeing someone you know pushing a red button that makes the wheels turn faster. Every time the button is pushed, you get tossed around inside the the whirling colors. Then it stops for a few seconds and the button gets pushed again and again until you feel like you are going to die if you don't get out of there.
If you haven't read my previous two post in this series, I suggest you read them now, then come back to:
Inside The Kaleidoscope
Growing up in a family of 8 kids and being the 3rd to the youngest, 6 girls and 2 boys, wasn't easy. Us girls were squeezed into two regular sized beds in a small bedroom. The two boys slept in two separate beds in the back part of the house. My daddy built a thin wall between their two spaces. I never understood why they got their own rooms and the four of us youngest girls all had to sleep in the same bed. I was back and forth between being squeezed between two of my sisters and crawling down to the foot of the bed just so I could stretch out. This never lasted long because I kept getting feet stuck in my face. Sometimes I managed to sneak in bed with my older sisters while they were sleeping. A few times I tried throwing a blanket on the floor "if I could steal one from my sisters," and trying to sleep on the floor. That didn't work either as there would be mice running around looking for food as soon as the lights went out. Most times as soon as I would get to sleep, the nightmares would come and I'd be wide awake again. I use to sleep walk a lot, so I'd never knew who's bed I would wake up in.
One particular night when I was only around 4, I remember getting up to go to the bathroom. Next thing I knew, I woke up in my oldest brother's bed. He had a hold of my hand and had placed it on his private area. The last thing I remember was him grabbing my head and pulling me down to the same area. That's when it happened, I was suddenly inside what looked like the Kaleidoscope that Daddy had bought us girls from the mercantile store in town. Only this was a giant one. All of a sudden, I saw my brother pushing a big red button which caused the Kaleidoscope to start turning inside. At first it started slow but every time he would push the button, the spinning would get faster. It would stop for a few seconds, then just keep starting up again. I would try to scream but was unable to make a sound. I was getting dizzy and sick at my stomach from all the flashing colors and being tossed around. Finally it stopped long enough for me to scream for my Daddy to "Please make it stop!!" Next thing I knew, Daddy would be picking me up and trying to calm me down as he always did after a night mare. I heard my brother tell Daddy that I had crawled in his bed while sleep walking and was having a nightmare.
Okay, wait, now let's rewind this. Are you ready to take this healing journey with me? Okay first, let's go back to the Kaleidoscope.
Now, look closely at the spinning of all the beautiful designs and colors. Pretty cool huh? Now see yourself as a child inside this giant beautiful swirl. Okay, good. Now see someone pushing a button to speed it up..getting dizzy yet?
Wait, there is a "kill Switch!" It is up to you, the adult, to push that red button and rescue that child!! Push it now.
Great you stopped it. Now look inside and see that scared child huddled in the corner crying.
Reach your arms out and gently summon her to walk towards you...Yes, here she comes!!
Now take that scared little girl in your arms and let her know how loved she is. Let her know that you are her protector and that she is now safe and secure. Let her know that she can and will get past this and grow up to be a happy, healthy young lady. Let her know that she has a bright future and will go on to help many others in her lifetime.
May your life be blessed with with Rainbows and Butterflies!!
Take responsibility for yourself and your own healing process.
Next Post: Under the Tree House
Images: giphy.com\google images
If you would like to read some of the previous stories of "My Life as a Detention Officer," You will find the links listed on this post by @canadian-coconut:
CPS and Foster Care Abuses: -- INDEX of PUBLISHED STORIES now on the Steemit Blockchain
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What Is @familyprotection? What Are The Rules? How Do I Donate?
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@markwhittam grew up in the care of CPS and then many years later he and his family had to flee their country under threats from the state to take their child because they home schooled.
Linda, @canadian-coconut, started @familyprotection because she has helped several families who have been torn apart at the hands of the legal kidnappers aka. Child Protection Services.
It is up to us as a Community to uncover the truth and spread this truth worldwide!
If you or someone you know have children that are now wards of the state and/or government, we encourage you to share your story. If you are an underage youth caught up in this insane cycle of abuse and control..Please share your story..If you have friends in abusive situations..Please have them share their story. We here at steemit.com have caring people that that are willing to help you in anyway we can.
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MAHALO FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!
This is horrible stuff, but you are helping those of us who have never went through anything like that to understand how it affected you and affects other children.
Thanks for talking about something so difficult. I am glad to hear that it is helping with your healing process too.
Thanks my friend! Yes it is hard reliving these events but well worth it as I am realizing now, it is more about forgiveness than anything. The abused become the abusers and they cycle continues. When it hits you what their lives growing had to have been like, you actually start to have compassion for them. Allowing those past memories to haunt you can really mess up a person's mind. That doesn't mean you become complacent and allow the abuse to continue..you simply refuse to take on the role of victim yourself and refuse to allow them to control you or your life or anyone else's. I think if more parents could see things from the eyes of a child and realize how this carries on and affects your adult life, they would do more to protect their children. If I can help people who are struggling with past issues, then I will have accomplished what I set out to do with these posts. Thanks again for your words of encouragement and support.
It never ceases to amaze me, thank you very much again for telling your story, for inspiring me and doing this in order to help those who need it. I continue to express my support for you.
Thanks my friend! I appreciate your words of kindness and continuous support. I am so ready to get this all behind me as reliving these chapters of my life was not something I chose to do. Just knowing my recollections of my childhood and adult insights is helping even a hand full, makes it well worth it. I tend to thing sometimes we are put through these experiences in order to help others heal that have been through similar circumstances. Also if my writings can in any way help make a difference in our own community of @familyprotection. I know there are probably a lot of cases here that are still living with guilt and insecurities and feeling that they are not good enough to raise their own children. It is my hope and intention of teaching them how to forgive not only themselves but also those that have wronged them, this will give them them inspiration to heal their own wounds and become that loving , caring and protective parent they wish to become.
What I can emphasize more of your publications is healing the inner child, all of us who have been victims of similar situations have consequences in our adulthood and these pressing situations, although in many opportunities we suffer them in our childhood, they determine our actions nowadays
You are so right my friend! We cannot allow our past experiences to haunt us to the grave. My next post is an extremely hard one as I realize I still haven't fully forgiven those involved completely. It is hard when you realize your own mother sacrificed at least 2 of her own daughters to save her younger, sick sex maniac brother. She herself had to have been sexually molested herself. I just found out a few months ago from my cousin that her dad, my mother's oldest brother had been sexually molesting her and her sister from the time they were little girls until they moved away from home. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up, mainly because I remember spending the night at their house as a little girl and taking a bath in the living room in a wash tub with him standing there watching.
It surprises me you remember this at age 4. Not all children remember much of what happened in their lives those first few years. Thanks @thethreehugs.
I actually remember somethings probably as early as the age of two. I can remember my youth sometimes easier than I can remember what I did yesterday. of course we didn't have gmo's, poisons, chemtrails or EMF's back then to dumb us down.
This is too good post guys.Family protection is very inportant our life. If you do any kind of work,you need family protection.Family protection reach of aim.
Thanks.
wow very nice post....... thanks (Thethreehugs) for share...
You are welcome
Nice Post
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