Panda attacked by God

Da’s first memory was a needle.

Closely followed by the three major themes which cratered his early existence:

1. Acute claustrophobia

2. An unshakeable fear that God wanted to dismantle him

3. Involuntary sponge baths

Da met God at the beginning of his life and it allowed him to understand why Jesus had been sent down to handle the sales pitch side of things: God wasn’t big on words.
“Kerwalleeteechairc” was the spell that repeatedly boomed from his broken record lips.

He did seem to relish sticking a needle in and out of Da’s throat though.
This caused the ground beneath to lurch, carrying him away from God and leading to a coffin where he was restrained by angels wearing yellow rubber gloves.

Da’s coffin was environmentally friendly.
Made of cardboard it would decompose quickly.
A transparent panel allowed him to see the dancing midget ghosts during the brief time spent lingering in limbo between life and death.

That time was clinical: white floors / background beeps. Leering, rambunctious midgets clung to the hands of their giant overseers.
They pointed accusingly at Da and after some unheard instructions from their keepers would stamp and hiss in view of his window.





Catatonic states devoured days.
Dreams deserted slumber.
Mutilated by God.
Incarcerated in a coffin.
Only two recollections.
Wishing for a million memories to medicine them.

Long after the days had all merged into one he was divorced from wallow when one of the overseers flung his coffin in a plastic sack where he met with a disgruntled pineapple.

Da’s funeral wasn’t the typical reserved affair frequented by relieved coffin dodgers.
The ritual lacked solemnity.
It consisted of the ghost midget ripping the coffin to shreds in a hyperactive frenzy, attempting to prise out Da’s eyes with a lego brick and then defecating all over him.
The whole event was met with gleeful applause and camera flashes from the overseers.

He later learned that the title for these ghost midgets was ‘child.’
Liquids leaked out of this child from a seemingly 360 degree radius; often it was green.
Da spent a lot of time in the sink, being sponged down by its keeper.
That was in the early days, before an insidious attempt was made on his life.

Da’s fur was encrusted with all kinds of paste and glitter.
He was concerned that he might develop trench ear due to it being sucked and drooled on so often.
During the night one of the overseers came for him.
He was bungled inside a pillowcase and thrown into a spinning machine filled with ocean.
It was apparent that an involuntary drowning had been on the agenda.

The torturers remained unsatisfied.
This time they flung him into a desert generating machine.
A window had been installed in both machines so that the sick and twisted overseers could observe Da’s suffering.
The attempted drowning and then burning of his body could mean only one thing.
They had cleaned and sterilised his physique in order to consume him at their evening feast.
Little did they know the secret of Da’s reverse life.
He couldn’t die twice.

A short time later the child returned brandishing another coffin.
Da glued his eyes closed during the funeral.
From that point forth the abuse towards him ceased.
All the child’s aggression was directed towards the new reanimated corpse.
Da was consigned to a dark box where he befriended a wooden cup and ball.

The cup recounted the horrific tale of the day he had been introduced to a pack of ghost midgets.
During a frenetic period his ball and string had been ripped out to be utilised as a conker.
Despite the life threatening injury he’d hoped that the overseers would allow him to continue as a plain drinking cup, but this was quickly vetoed because of the fear that he would miss the bouncy sensations of his youth and launch scalding liquids into people’s faces.

Fearing torture Da made his escape.
Days of wandering left Da dazed.
He began to miss having his ear sucked and his stomach stamped on.
That was until the bathroom wall sent a message to him.

‘I’ll be your cuddly bear and pander to your every whim: 07749383875 x’

This person must have been a lover of Roman antiquity because he arranged to meet Da in a male bath house.

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Art by: Kevin McKie